dear invisible readers..

I'd like to take a second to apologise for my run on sentences and shitty grammar. I'm usually pretty good about making my writings as good as they can be... But on here my minds always racing my fingers are always zooming to keep up with my thoughts and feelings so I don't always have time to care about grammar and making sense.... I NEVER MAKE SENSE and on here I'm sure it's even harder to understand  these posts this blog is for me anyway so if you don't like what I'm saying or how I'm saying it I'm sorry I couldn't make it easier for you, just know that i do try to make these understandable and grammatically correct but most of the time i just don't give a damn<3 so if you read my posts thank you, if you don't that's okay too this blogs more for myself than anything.  

i'm more Lost than Ever right about now.

i just don't know what to do or think any more so what do I do? I DON'T THINK AND I DO NOTHING.... I've pretty much zoned out from life lately. I think I know what I want in life but how the hell do i get there from here? because this whole Not doing anything frozen life can't go on much longer... fear is the only thing stopping me now, fear and over thinking. I want to be a photographer but do i have what it takes to actually get myself a degree for it? or do I cop out and do everything my way? no i can't do that i need school, it's time to suck it up and get it done. so now what? studying things I'll never use after tests? study things I'll forget in a mere few seconds? study my life away for the Next few years all for what? for a piece of paper saying "your an official photographer"  okay well I could use that paper yes but is it all really worth it? Not only that but can I do it? Do I have what it takes to even get back into doing school? I CAN'T MAKE MY BRAIN STOP THINKING ABOUT THESE THINGS.

 and I always cop out and ignore everything. I need to shut up suck it up and get back into the "real world" again. I'm never going to get anywhere if I keep going at life like this. I can't sit around Doing nothing but wait for someone to call all day that's pathetic. all I ever want to do any more is talk to the one person who means the most to me and my life but she's got a life and I don't, she's old and I'm not, I'm here she's there... I'm so tired of feeling so alone here,   I just want to get to the person who takes the time to care, when i need her she's always fucking there. I just wish she was actually "here" to never know what it feels like to psychically be there not just mentally it just sucks there's no other way to put it really...  being so far away from the one person i feel close to makes me feel so empty so lifeless.
 All of these things are destroying me.  eating away at me from the inside while I slowly fade into nothing. I'm so alone in all of this and all i want is to  be with my best friend. I want to leave this place, I want to get out, I want to be someone, Do something and I know the only place to start is exactly what I've been avoiding all of these years School..... Not just School but math...

WHICH HAS NOTHING, nothing to do with what i want in life.  I need to pass that damn college placement test. i need to get my shit together so i can start living again. but I'm still so damn scared of failing, so scared of scared of scared of well EVERYTHING. but why? how did  I end up here, how did  I end up falling so far down the rabbit hole of fear? and HOW THE HELL do I crawl out of it to pick myself back out of wonderland and back into reality? everything just seems so out of my reach I know it's not I know I can do this but but but I'm so scared to even try... sad thing is I can't even figure out why. I guess i'm just waiting for that "push" or that "shove" back into everything... gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ~mentally screams~