found this in my tumblr drafts.... Sometimes i surprise myself.

i am the moon, And you are the sun. 
we can never be one of the same. 
Yet you get me better than anyone, 
you see the dark in me,
 I the light in you.
 The eclipse happened, 
and i wished it was us. 

My dreams have me busting at the seams, where nothing is as it seems.
set me free, just let me be, get out of my head, stop filling me with dread. I want to be set free, it's been long enough just leave me be. You did bare minimum to sneak yourself back in. But i'll be damned if i let you win. This is my war, and i call the shots.

You being back is no different than you being gone, i am no longer just another pawn.
 This is my game now. i'll take a bow, Look you dead in the eyes and walk away. I won, we're done. No time for goodbyes, i already had enough excuses and lies.
 You wouldn't try even if i said you could.
so why give you the chance, i'm holding my stance.
all i have left to say, is fuck you.
and with that, i'll say good day, and goodbye, Now go away.

I need to write, I need to write about you.

But once my fingers hit the keyboard nothing comes out and there's nothing i can do.
my head is racing, body buzzing, Exploding on the inside, it's where all my deepest darkest demons seem to hide.
They're busting out of me, They want you to see, See the darkest sides, to see if you'll stick out the ride.
Or will you scream and jump off? Leaving me alone with them again. Hopeless and begging for your love.
Wishing i had the energy to chase after you. But i spent all that was saved up trying to push you away. Pushing you to the limits, getting clingy and cute, suffocating making you loose your breath in the best of ways. I've been acting crazy for days, and it's my fault i know, but all i can do is sit here and scream baby please don't go. Come back, get back on track. Look me in the eyes, Cut me some slack. Fight off the demons, make me believe in you. In Love. In happiness. I keep trying to just tell you how i feel, But all that comes out is i love you i love you i love you.  But that isn't enough to make you love me too.
 Do i love you because i'm lonely? Do i love you because you loved me? i don't know you, And i don't know why. All i know is that my heart longs for you. And that it wants the things it can't seem to ever have. You don't mean the words the way i want you too. I need you in my life, and you're hardly around. I lost myself in the clouds and you keep my feet on the ground. I cling, I sing, i praise, i love. all i wish is for you to return it. Every little bit. But that's too much to ask, too far heavy of a task. I'm foolish to think we'll ever last. You're wishy washy, and far away. and the love so far swings and sways. I want routine. I want realism. To know you love me without a doubt in my mind, To keep myself blind. Blind from the bad, and the thoughts of you loving someone else but me, Getting rid of all pasts, Of all jealousy. Letting go of everything but you and me. Can i handle it? Can i handle you? or is this just another bullshit turn on my rollar coaster of a life? The ride that'll never die...? I don't know but i'm sure as hell going to try... I love you, i do. But do you love me? that is the question. One i don't know if i ever want answered.

I’m truly a lucky person.
Everyday I get to wake up in my own bed safe and warm. I have a supportive family and friends, the list goes on and on. I’ve realized that I don’t take the time to appreciate how “good” I have it. Yeah, I complain a lot but at the end of the day it could be so much worse. I’m truly blessed, and am sorry for those who do have a rough life. 

I have the best parents a teenager could ask for, the best life. But that doesn't make the pain go away. And it doesn't stop the ungratefulness and complaints. things could always ALWAYS be better, but i thank god everyday that they aren't worse. I am a lucky lucky teenager that is finally realizing it's time to grow up and accept life. 

I have supportive parents who have let me slack off all my life because they know it's what i wanted. And that's great and all but i'm starting to wish i had been pushed just a little bit more. Things would be so different now. But i don't think i want different, I'm happy here where i am. I just know changes are coming and that theres not a damn thing i can do about it. I have to grow up, and i need to accept the facts of reality.  

I'M HAPPY, but why am i sitting here crying? I can blame my "period" all i want but that's not it. I feel like i don't have a voice or a choice in my life. But it's my fault for never stepping up for myself and for never trying. But it's also the fault of others who push me down every time i try to stand up. But not anymore. I'll continue to get up until my squeaking mouse voice turns into a tall proud loins roar. I didn't ask to babysit. But my life is so beautiful i know i need to suck it up and just do it. but honestly it's just the thoughts of my grandmother watching aubrie alone that keep me doing this. i don't like playing alone and pretending i'm perfectly okay. But i'm getting better every step of the way. All it takes is waking up day after day. Even if i get up with the thoughts of wishing i hadn't. 

i need to learn to take the bad... with the good that's come back into my life. I lived in darkness for so long, I've forgotten how to handle the light. and what comes with the light. Things come out in the light, where in the dark i can hide and avoid. time for acceptance time for action. Driving first, job or school second. yep. 

Sick of complaining of a beautiful life. But i can't help it.

I don't care how lucky i am and how great and easy my life is. I shouldn't be forced to watch YOUR child. It's my mothers job. and your job as a mother. NOT MINE. it isn't fair to be to have to sit and do nothing for 8 hours. I got to stay home tonight instead of going to my sisters. But i have to be up at 7 and i have to deal with my grandmother and that damn house full of dead memories. I fucking hate it. I WAS HAPPY in a weird mood BUT HAPPY. and you ruined it. You act like i can't handle a child for 8 hours.  she is my life of course i can handle it. CAN'T I? i can't handle my own damn life but i know i can handle hers. 
i sleep all day at your house to avoid it. i hate it there. and i can't handle dealing with it so i avoid responsibility and sleep. I WANT TO ACTUALLY WATCH THE CHILD.
 And be the aunt i'm supposed to be and i fucking can't. i'm too broken and unhappy to give her the attention and love she deserves while being watched. But instead of trying i just sleep. honestly not my fault sleeping is how i cope. sleeping is all i do with my life anymore. Think, do nothing about said thinking, then sleep. 
In fact i'm off to nap because fuck you. 


Ps this weekend was fantastic and i am greatful, but i don't owe my sister shit. I owe my parents and i guess i have to suck it up and do this.  there's no other options. 

I swore i'd never let myself get like this again, but here i am.
Watching my phone like a hawk, waiting for someone to talk.
Come back to me, it's almost easy. Once you called me baby, and life started to feel breasy.
Everything else stopped making sense, My world flipped upside down. I let myself drown.
Waiting for you to come and save me, i lost myself once more.
I let it go to far.
melting slipping turning black like tar.
should've never expected you to come back. Not when my hearts so dead and black. You were never mine, But i wanted you to be. Don't you see? i still think you're one for me. even if as a friend. This was never stupid or pretend. Our connection was real, and i wish you were back so i could tell you how i feel.
You brought me back to life, and then left me to save yourself.
I was left sitting on the shelf, like an old toy missing the hands of that dear little boy.
come back to me, come back and you'll see. i let you go, So you could learn to be free.
i just hope you better yourself and come back happy. I couldn't keep that smile on your face.
 Although i fear i never put it there in the first place. My world turned upside down when you came into my life. and when you left it flipped back, But it still feels so, so off track. Without you here, without you to call my dear. I lost my energy and miss the synergy.
 between the you and i that never was.
between the you and i that'll never be. even thought it's all i seem to see. or think about anymore. But it doesn't matter anymore, these feelings are natural and usual for me. My hearts so sore it doesn't even feel like pain anyway. God i need you back today.