Oh Joy..

my stomach's been acting up again recently and i've come to the conclusion that i'm probably just effing NUTS. It's been months MONTHS since i've felt like this, the not eating, the pain, the want to do nothing and not eat anything.. yeah it's back. And  i honestly don't get what's wrong with me or why this keeps happening... i was so happy being able to eat again and then BAM the pains back... Go figure.

But on a lighter happier note, I took a huge leap of faith (at least to me it seemed huge) and decided to start talking to the guy  had a crush on. And i really like where things are heading with him. I've had a few issues to say the least since breaking into pieces after the last guy i had fallen for.( best guy  friend  pretty much lead me on more than once gave me false hope played games and then just dropped me like i was yesterdays un wanted news. blah blah blah) I already had a crap ton of walls put up even before all of that happened. You know  seeing how everyone ends up screwing me over and leaving me alone. And then getting crushed like that just well uh CRUSHED ME. As it would anyone.

So sue me if i've been a little crazy and over emotional about life and love and all of these things. Walls so many walls who would've thought they'd come crashing down within  a week of talking to someone. Maybe it was the emotions from my sisters wedding that lead me to jump off a cliff and start talking to someone? That sounds a bit rash but to me talking to new people literally feels like that. When you get so used to people leaving, it starts getting harder and harder to let new people into your life. But i did it, and i couldn't be happier. For the fact that i opened up and for the fact that i haven't crashed and burned yet.. so we'll see where this goes and what happens. but for now i'm happier than ever with myself for letting a new person in.

so..

i caved i had a sprite with dinner and ate oreos today... and to tell you the truth they both made me sick and i can't say that i couldn't live without them for awhile.
yesterday was panda express
the day before was fair food
and now this?

but guess what i've still been loosing weight and that's amazing. YOU CAN eat what you want and still loose weight. you just have to use your self control to stop yourself when enough is enough.

i've cut out alot of foods, and i have been eating healthier than normal so i guess the good outweighs the bad. So back to today so what i gave in to myself and had some junky foods tomorrows another day and i'll live i have self control this time around no cheating myself, no feeling bad about eating what i want it's wonderful!!! Things are different this time and i'm loving it the soda i had made me sick and honestly it didn't even taste good but you know what i'm glad i drank it.. i proved to myself that i'll be okay without it but i also proved to myself that if i do feel like giving in that's okay IT'S OKAY to drink soda and eat oreos if i want to and when i want to that's what i love this time around i could easily go eat the rest of the box of oreos or go open another can of that soda but i won't because i know in the long run going without it'll be worth it THAT and it's not worth feeling like crap over. so yeah i'm going to start updating this blog alot more often than usually.. no more only coming on here to complain about a beautiful life. From now on i'm going to do my best to keep this blog happily updated with some bitching on the side when i need it.

so i've changed my views of how i see diets and myself.

I thought i was at the point in life when I was going to give up diets forever and live happily Loving food as much as I loved myself. But the moment I stepped back up on that scale all of that started to change. i looked down to realize i had not only gained all of my lost weight back but i had in fact gained it all back PLUS 20 extra pounds and too top it all off it was all in the same year...

I've been on diets for as long as i can remember and I've hated everything about myself for even longer it seems. i was finally getting to the point of ending diets for once and spending my time working on the inside of myself instead of working on just the outside all the time, But then the thought crossed my mind WHY NOT DO BOTH? so here i am learning to love myself all over again. learning to love me at the heaviest I've ever been And when I'm at my lowest weight I've been in years hopefully I'll get there someday.. To the loving myself whatever i may look or act like by then.

So this is me The real me no complaining this time just words to myself. A little something to look back on when I'm older maybe by then I'll love myself enough to laugh at this and at the person i used to be. I change, Everyone changes so why not write out those changes. I Cheyenne Genest take this as a note to say it's okay to change alot, it's okay to be 260 pounds at 16 but it's also okay to start wanting to change that I'll be as myself at 100 and something pounds as i am now nothing but the way i look at myself will change. Well that and the way other people look at me of course. Change isn't always so bad and in this case change is good VERY very good... I think. I've lost six pounds so far, I've eaten what i want too (smaller servings of course) and I've been drinking odwalla super food juice (my new crack it's amazing and healthy woo!) Sometimes it just takes that one moment of stepping on a scale to make things click. this will be my last diet because I'm going to try my best to stick with it until the end this time... and in the end it'll be a healthy life style and NOT just another diet. It'll work this time it has to work this time I can't keep doing this to myself. we'll see what happens.

dear invisible readers..

I'd like to take a second to apologise for my run on sentences and shitty grammar. I'm usually pretty good about making my writings as good as they can be... But on here my minds always racing my fingers are always zooming to keep up with my thoughts and feelings so I don't always have time to care about grammar and making sense.... I NEVER MAKE SENSE and on here I'm sure it's even harder to understand  these posts this blog is for me anyway so if you don't like what I'm saying or how I'm saying it I'm sorry I couldn't make it easier for you, just know that i do try to make these understandable and grammatically correct but most of the time i just don't give a damn<3 so if you read my posts thank you, if you don't that's okay too this blogs more for myself than anything.  

i'm more Lost than Ever right about now.

i just don't know what to do or think any more so what do I do? I DON'T THINK AND I DO NOTHING.... I've pretty much zoned out from life lately. I think I know what I want in life but how the hell do i get there from here? because this whole Not doing anything frozen life can't go on much longer... fear is the only thing stopping me now, fear and over thinking. I want to be a photographer but do i have what it takes to actually get myself a degree for it? or do I cop out and do everything my way? no i can't do that i need school, it's time to suck it up and get it done. so now what? studying things I'll never use after tests? study things I'll forget in a mere few seconds? study my life away for the Next few years all for what? for a piece of paper saying "your an official photographer"  okay well I could use that paper yes but is it all really worth it? Not only that but can I do it? Do I have what it takes to even get back into doing school? I CAN'T MAKE MY BRAIN STOP THINKING ABOUT THESE THINGS.

 and I always cop out and ignore everything. I need to shut up suck it up and get back into the "real world" again. I'm never going to get anywhere if I keep going at life like this. I can't sit around Doing nothing but wait for someone to call all day that's pathetic. all I ever want to do any more is talk to the one person who means the most to me and my life but she's got a life and I don't, she's old and I'm not, I'm here she's there... I'm so tired of feeling so alone here,   I just want to get to the person who takes the time to care, when i need her she's always fucking there. I just wish she was actually "here" to never know what it feels like to psychically be there not just mentally it just sucks there's no other way to put it really...  being so far away from the one person i feel close to makes me feel so empty so lifeless.
 All of these things are destroying me.  eating away at me from the inside while I slowly fade into nothing. I'm so alone in all of this and all i want is to  be with my best friend. I want to leave this place, I want to get out, I want to be someone, Do something and I know the only place to start is exactly what I've been avoiding all of these years School..... Not just School but math...

WHICH HAS NOTHING, nothing to do with what i want in life.  I need to pass that damn college placement test. i need to get my shit together so i can start living again. but I'm still so damn scared of failing, so scared of scared of scared of well EVERYTHING. but why? how did  I end up here, how did  I end up falling so far down the rabbit hole of fear? and HOW THE HELL do I crawl out of it to pick myself back out of wonderland and back into reality? everything just seems so out of my reach I know it's not I know I can do this but but but I'm so scared to even try... sad thing is I can't even figure out why. I guess i'm just waiting for that "push" or that "shove" back into everything... gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ~mentally screams~

i have so much to say but your so far away.

sometimes i just really REALLY hate being a girl. the past few days have been hell for me, actually the last few weeks since I've been home from Connecticut have been hell on my soul. i've never felt so alone, my friends are only there when THEY need me, i had to leave the few people who payed so much attention to me and my life in so little time and coming back to this hell of a state killed me. we even have the heat factor so me calling Florida hell fits perfectly because in reality it's not all that far from it.

I've cried so much since waking up to mother natures Lovely gift this month, it's not even June yet why you come so early Mrs nature? no but really i didn't get into hairspray so what'd i do? i cried ate the only amounts of junk food i could find in my house felt guilty and guess what cried again. then the lonely hit me again, so of course there i was sitting on the couch watching movies AND CRYING AGAIN. (that was after getting ditched i was supposed to watch a movie with my dad he went to sleep >.< )

so then i fell into an ever deeper pit of despair, i cried about my dog all i wanted was to cuddle with buddy and be happy again, then i cried over my aunt if she was here i wouldn't be crying i'd be off killing zombies and eating pizza but no i have nothing left but myself to cry over so why not pick now to over think more than usual because it's late it's quiet and i'm alone as always. cry cry CRIES the chyster. so then this brings me to today and what just happened.

after checking the mail day after day all this week i got an email stating that i didn't get my scholarship for photography classes in June so what else is one to do but sit there over thinking and well cry. i don't feel good enough anymore, photography is the only thing i have left going for me and i couldn't even nail a scholarship? so that killed me for awhile until i realised i was crying over nothing i am good enough, who knows how many other kids wanted the same scholarship as i. i'm still going to go anyway so what's the point in crying over it i still shed a tear here and there when writing this but then again i still blame mother nature and her stupid monthly visit of pain, torture, over eating over emotionalness. let's just hope i get back to normal before hitting the beach for two weeks, I'm going to be trapped with my family for two weeks GOD HELP US ALL. sure i'll be happy to not be alone for awhile but then reality will kick and i'll want to murder them all and then myself sounds like paradise right? yippieeee can't wait i'm sure you'll all get to hear about it when i get back (that's implying someone actually reads this shit) it's also implying we all get back alive.

journal entry from a few weeks ago...

This Just hasn't been My week,
Whether it's the horrible doctors appointment That I had, Or the way my families been Acting. The energy around me has Just been awful. I've Been trying so damn hard to be happy and to stay true to myself, but with everything that's been going on around me keeping a strait face With a smile hasn't Been an easy task.  I usually fight back when It comes to my dad but because that never gets me anywhere but in more deep shit that I started with I've kept my Mouth shut and let me take Out whateverhas  been bothering Him on me which isn't fair to myself,my mom or the people around me but whatever. Sure somethings wrong But when I'm having a bad day I don't go making everyone else feel Awful because I do. And I know everyone copes with things differently but this isn't cool I'm sick of having to deal with  his issues when I have my own to deal with.

 i Love this man to death but i cant stand him this month. I've got enough crap on my Plate I have my band promotion Job Yes Job I'm working it's not like I sit on the computer all day doing nothing I'm sitting there doing promo. I've been trying So hard to juggle everything But I'm No cLown i can't juggle I can't
Fake that smile I can't Go out in the crowd and make everyone laugh regardless of what feelings  they came in with. I focus to much on other people this is a well known Fact But they never really focus to much on me it's always them them them they're problems they're Life there feelings But when I send out warning signs and signals Nothing None of them
Notice awesome how awesome is that, my friends are amazing at times but this is bullshit. i was looking Forward to going to the Beach, feeling the Water,taking pictures, Being happy for awhile, having a nice family day with no drama no Bad mo jo Jo ha,  mojo no nothing yeah that worked out didn't it. I ended up home alone screaming and shouting at something that wasn't there Hoping they'd talk back because all I wanted to Do was talk to my friends but how could I My Internet was un plugged with the door locked. I'm Just Glad I stopped myself from reaching for something highly stupid this time. I won't go in to that Because that's one thing I'd Like to keep to myself in all of this but I will say I'm really Not okay. (well I wasn't I'm fine now I can promise you that) I want you to know that no matter how hard I fall, no matter how tall or small I get I'll be okay in the end. I won't go running off to find ways to die. And I won't go off doing stupid things a normal messed up teenager like myself would do. Or what you'd expect them to do I guess I should Say. all I can do is  hope for better days.

i'm doing fine again, i was at a rough patch in life at this time but i fought my way out of it.

depression hurts but that's Life.

Depression is humiliating. It happens to turn intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks Let alone deal with the people around them. And don't even get me started about being an empathic dealing with this. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, in my case my family members and the others around me.,your lifelong passions, and your relative good fortune. It destroys your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge glop craptasticly in saneness, that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially. Nor can you deal with they're problems or they're life wethere it's good news or bad you simply just don't want to take the time to talk to them. you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, You risk the love of your family members because your so called bad attitude seems to annoy the living hell out of them. you sleep the day away because
you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You stay up all night because the crazy atmosphere of the world around you slows down just a bit and everything quiet. Sadly this is the moments when your stuck with yourself, your mind, and your problematic life.
You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunging spiral your spinning carelessly down apon. You,
have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, this living dead girl you've become is such a pitiful sight peering out from the corners of mirrors that you try and to avoid in the dark depressing night. this seems to
exacerbate the depression and the isolation you simply just want to be left alone for days On end, left to do nothing but eat to much, sleep hours at a time and watch those romantic comedies that make you cry so much you avoid them at all costs.
If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. Actually i take this back i assure you everyone on this planet has felt like this at some point at some time in they're life. No one can be happy all the time it's simply impossible.
No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. you stop giving two shits about the fact that your sister cant sleep because of a restless baby at home. you stop caring about those you'd always ALWAYS put before yourself and your feelings. even on thew day's when you wanted to cry out for help you just left it blank and focused all your time on them instead of facing the facts and dealing with your own demons.
If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged I'd like to take a last few moments here to say that i promise you all i'm doing okay. I'm not going to run of someday and kill myself i'm not that kind of person. i don't need or want your pitty, i don't want to talk about what's going on in my life or why i am depressed because i don't have an answer for you. do you think i choose to be the way i am? Do you really think i've been a complete ass for no reason pssh if so then you ob viously don't know we very well. i'd just like to say that all i need right now is to be alone. no babies, no family, No friends, no worries just myself. i'll be okay you will be too. just know that your not alone and neither am i. were all mad here we all have problems we all have our doubt and our hopeless feelings of being alone. don't think like that because your not. I promise you that your not alone and if any of you whom have the chance of reading this need help don't worry about what i've done don't worry about what i've said i'm here for you YOU ARE NOT ALONE. and together we can grow to show the world that there is hope. that there's simply no need for suicide or bullying or hate. put down the razors but down the needles and pick up your fingers, pick up a notebook and write or type. and last but not least FIGHT to UNITE. that is all much love a very mentally exhausted chyster

sometimes i feel mentally incompetent

i'd Like to take a second to fight for a Bunnie, even if i don't get one i'll feel better about the whole situation if i type it up and post it. when i write in a notebook i often don't make as much sense or get to the bottom of my problems as well Not Only that but i enjoy telling myself somewhere out there someone has found my blog and often feels the same way or has the same problems as i do even if no one reads this it's nice to at Least pretend my feelings and opinions are important to people. this blog isn't a cry for help it's more of an online notebook of a problematic teenage homeschooler. i don't care how Stupid this sounds But,

sometimes i just wish i had an excuse for what i Do i really well do. i wish i could say Oh it's okay that i'm a horrible aunt i have _______ or oh don't beat yourself up Cheyenne your only socially awkward Lonely and all your friends Leave you because you have _______  your A _____ i really wish as horrible as it sounds that i could say i have a small portion of autism , or i have  - inserts different mental disorders here- or i have some accurate psychologist worded out perfect definition of why i do things the way i do. certain sounds Drive me crazy, my mind is faster than my mouth, i have no brain filter, i word things horribly wrong to an extent where some people avoid me because of the weird things i do i try Not to show it but these things really do bother me. But i don't care for doctors and the last time i went to see a psychologist everything went horribly wrong. i truly believe i'm still messed up from the way that medicine worked... anyway i'm getting of Point how would you feel if someone said your niece was your arch nemisis? even more how would you feel in when you were a kid your aunt was the only person who really mattered to you, what i'm trying to say is i don't know why i can't stand my niece sometimes and i really wish i had the answers. you don't get it do you, i don't either so it's alright i Just want them to look at me the way i looked at rocky.
  i Love my niece (s) more than anyone could ever imagine and i truly wish certain things they do didn't annoy me as much as they do. all i've been able to think about lately is my aunt and our relationship how was she able to deal with me? where did her Patience come from? i was such a horribly annoying kid i could see why most people avoided me back then. i was merely a child when she died, as a matter of fact i was Only a wee bit older than my oldest niece is now. no one could ever get how much i think about this it haunts me even, My aunt made such an impact in those mere six years and what have i Done Nothing. all i've done is yell at her for things that aren't her or my fault, the day's i try to be close to her i can't something always stops me whether it's her voice are her low IQ okay it's not low she's actually one of the smartest kids i've ever met But for me it's low i don't do well with things Like that. Lately i've been making alot of changes in my life (as you can tell by my highly scattered yet hopefully  well written blog about these changes) and with my recent connection with my youngest niece all i can think about is my role in they're lives. will my relationship with one make the other break out in hatred and resentment for the way i treated her? will the other One shove it in her faces Like i did with my family as a kid...? what's to happen when Shayla's my age will she turn out anything like me will she even love me anymore i wouldn't blame her if she didn't. hell i'd take her side if she ended up hating me i know i've been a horrible aunt and i also know i have huge shoes to fill, but is it to late to change things.. No it's never to late what if i was to die within the next few years Like my aunt did would my nieces feel the same way i do about mine doubtful. i've always Loved animals still do always will, and so does shayla so why not take that and make it a way to fix our relationship. rabbits are calm and loving animals maybe we could both learn something from it. i could definitely learn a few tips in how to love, and she could definitely learn a few tips in being calm. I wanted it to be something we'd share a bond with something we'd both have to love and care for, she'd need me to teach her how to feed, brush,walk,hold,train,bathe, and love. i'd use a calm loving approach when teaching her these things i mean after all everyones right she's only a kid she doesn't understand why i'm always frustrated or yelling at her. Not Only that but i'm tired of being Lonely all the time all i really want is something to cuddle with, boyfriends are over rated and my pugs hate cuddling with me i made a spot for puglsey on my bed last week and right when i went to lay down next to him he scracthed me and ran out the door. he's my dads dog he listens and loves him not me. buddy's okay but he's to big he's a hog and he's hot. bunnies are calm loving creatures who love being loved really i picture myself laying on the couch reading a book or watching a movie with that cute little guy on my chest just knowing he loves and cares for me and has a heartbeat. ultimately he'd be shayla's yes but i'm sure i'd do most of the caring and such i was really looking forward to having a walking buddy. the dogs are to crazy when walking and it's a hassle just getting out of the house. i really needed this in my life right now i was looking forward to making shayla enjoy my company again and i was also looking forward to having a new little friend. i wanted the responsibility and the work i actually wanted to feed and clean and play and train David Vincent Poe damn it </3 i really needed him. it sounds stupid but i really do believe he'd help me achieve happiness. Not only that but if i can't be trusted with the loving and caring for something as simple as a small bunny how will i ever learn to live with and love shayla? how can i be responsible enough to care for myself at concerts, or care for a car and the people in it or around me if i can't even supposedly handle a bunny? am i missing something here? because i don't see any real reason why i can't have a bunny expect for the fact that you don't want me to be happy. even mom wanted a bunny, and you are constantly knocking me down when i make progress with myself i really thought i'd get you back when school was over but your the same, and i'm not okay with this. sometimes i do need negative comments, or directions/ orders from you but this is stupid. just when i thought i was finally getting close to you again you say or do something to push me away. i'll be fine dad, Now let me live a little. i want to love again now help me do it.

you Guy's Don't Get It Do You? the second more detailed let's hope i don't get called crazy part.

i repeat myself alot in this, the moral of the story is I'd love to die to die would be on awfully big adventure, but i'm not going to kill myself i'm not going to beg God to kill me because I'm to much of a wimp to kill myself. the moral and point of this story is i'm lost, yet i know exactly who i am, i'm sad yet i'm happy, i'm dead inside but i'm still alive on this beautiful earth in this wonderful universe created by some higher power that won't be talked about much in this post. that's another story for another time for another reason. Dear everyone even my online so called "friends" i'm not okay i'm done giving you all advice that i can't even use / take for myself i'm going to fix myself although surly i'm not broken. can't you see that i'm not happy,i put up this wall i do my best to please everyone to help out as much as i can, to do school without complaining even though we all know you could be spending that math money on something more worth while something that i'll actually use in life. i know the basics and that's really all i need to know. i keep thinking if i make everyone else around me happy first i'll be able to find my own happiness sure i feed off of people's energy but in the end i just want to please everyone else so i can work on myself. i spend all day taking care of other people and i usually spend the night working on myself... why else would i want to stay up till five just to wake up at 9 and do it all over again. i mean yeah i'm both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that can be possible. i don't always run to heathers for her you know. some nights all i can do is hope she'll pick up that phone and ask for my help i'm Lonely and when i'm with Aubrie it all goes away. the pain, the loneliness,the racing thoughts in my head. everything stops and for awhile i think i'm in some other universe where i can be alive with my aunt again. this doesn't mean i want to die, what Good would that do? all that would do is leave my nieces where i was left off. Scared, Alone, confused, guilty even. i'd never do such a guilty thing as take my own or someone Else's life, i may not be happy now but this too shall pass i'll find my inner self again i see her every now and again. she peaks Out when she Does things for herself, she has a different smile than the other side of me even her laugh is different, but i bet none of you have ever taken the time to learn to know this. for the longest time i thought i had finally found my place here in florida. i was truly happy for awhile everything was simple and genuine and Real. But it didn't Last Nothing ever does happiness isn't something that i can Get from anyone else. the Only way i'm going to find my self is to write it out like i've been doing, to get inside my head and find The things that make me tick. what triggers my mental brain scans when i do nothing but close my eyes and scan a room to make sure what ever sound was annoying me has stopped. i don't know why i do these things, i don't know why something as innocent could make me mad with the slightest sound or movement. part of me wants and easy fix, Drugs maybe? nope tried that i actually think that's what started this whole mess in the first place. i haven't felt the same since that day i started adding things to my body that would make me happy. obviously since i'm sitting here writing this that easy way out didn't work i can't say i don't like the drug's but the drug's like me because not only did i hate the drugs but they hated me back in return. i couldn't sleep, i didn't eat, i was too happy when i wanted to be sad. and i was to pissed when all i wanted to be was mellow. the easy way out is never the option to go with Nothing is ever easy. And when it is easy it's almost never works, or it doesn't last. i don't want to be like this, some day's i feel mentally incompetent and don't think i can deal with the daily task's of life. Now i;m not going to sit here and act like i'm fine because that would be a lie and that my friends would be beside the point of this blog and my writings lately. My point is i'm Okay really i am Life is beautiful my family may not show it well but they Love me, and although i may not show it i Love them. My mom is one of the strongest people i've ever met, and although i often feel like she doesn't listen or care she does and in a way i see myself in her. well i see her in myself. she's gone through the same thing's i have but let's view things from her eyes shall we, i may have Lost an aunt a best friend maybe But she Lost a sister i'd say that's much worse. she had to see her at her worst i didn't, i got to be with my aunt more those few day's than she did she didn't have that last few hours to say goodbye and i did sure i didn't know it was going to be goodbye, but i'd say throwing up in her car was a great way to end things don't you? okay so i was guiltily just know i'm not anymore i'm now guilty for other things. Such as being the one of the worst aunts shayla deserves better than that she doesn't deserve to be treated the way i treat her but i can't stop i've tried i'll get better at this shayla just you wait and see. rocky i'm sorry for letting you down i have some big shoes to fill and a rabbit would have been a good way to start but that's in the past i'm not going to get one i must move on and get the eff over it. sure i delt with a sister who had a drug problem i resented her for the way she treated shayla, i wasn't important anymore shayla and heathers safety were top priority's then but what about now well now we have aubrie and her needs those definitely come before my loneliness and how i feel. i can't even begin to imagine what my mom went through for the first few years of shayla's life Not only was she deal inng with me and my way's of acting out and being a stuck up none important bitch but she also had to juggle her parents, her oldest daughters problems and life and then a grand daughter who needed care and love how could she have hair left? mine would be all pulled out by now. sure i regret they way's ive acted and act but i can't change the past all i can do is change the future and hope for the best. i'm sick of the shame and the regret of the things i've done said or didn't do or say Just know i'm sorry. mom and everyone i really am sorry. my mom pisses me off when it comes to loosing weight she doesn't get what it's like to grow up fat she doesn't get the way i feel about my body and what people say. she also doesn't get how sick i really am sometimes sure i could see why i faked being sick all the time when i was a kid i was pretty much a pro at it but that doesn't mean i'd do that know i actually do hate doctors twilliger will forever be scared in my brain but not only but what if they just shake they're heads and call me fat? Or say i'm mentally ill and need to be monitored or put on even more drugs than the last time that failed. i don't want to be heavy anymore but that doesn't mean i'm going to take a pill eat all i want what ever i want when i want it and call it a day that's taking the easy way out. i work my ass off everyNight to try and loose weight i drink more water than an elephant and still i'm not satisfied i want more i want to work harder i want to get my heart beating so fast it hops out of my chest. but then i'd be dead so yeah my dad drove me crazy when he was under the stress Of going through school but i can't even fathom how it would be like from her perspective so no matter how much i say she doesn't get me maybe i really just don't get her she deserves more help than i give her but right now i just can't i seriously need to find out who i am and how i can be happy i feel like i say this to much but i really can't say who cheyenne is anymore i feel as if my likes and dislikes are all coming from other people and not myself. most of the time i feel like no one get's how i could possibly feel about this all my friends are skinny and beautiful and although we have the same problems i still feel like the out cast of the bunch. i hide my problems when i tell people the demons i fight on a daily basis i'm sure they think i'm lying you would to if you got to know me. i hardly let my dark side show, there's always that Shadow hiding behind me, No one ever knows what i'm feeling even the ones i love most. i'll bitch about somethings to some people but never like this. i'm sure if any of them ever read this they'd think i'm crazy or have problems and need help but i don't the only person that can get me through this is myself because in reality i'm perfectly fine, well i should be i have everything i could ever need to be happy i just need to finish sifting threw my past of mistakes,heartaches,broken promises,and hopeless dreams. see that's the funny thing about myself i don't need to talk about my problems i just need to write them down and think about them. i'm Done with the fake smiles and personality's and i'm done putting everything and everyone before me. i'm going to be the better person in this battle and out weigh the person who doesn't belong the person who's lost inside me the person who could never be found before yeah she's right here and she's here to stay. i'm not going to pretend i'm happy when i'm not and i'm not going to say i'm not the monster because i am. everyone is. most people would think if everyone was the same things would be different right i'm sorry but your wrong.

he who makes a beast out of himself get's rid of the pain of being a maaaaan.

(wo)man to be exact ;}

okay here's a goal list for 2012.

survive earthday birthday.

dye my hair purple, blue, white and black, or red red reddy red red.

loose at least 21 pounds by july 27th

survive the death defying heat of Florida for warped tour / meet Courtney FINALLY.

get to the wizzarding world of harry potter.

get to writing for a blog that has followers who actually read my shizz. yes shizz.

loose enough inches/ weight to get new clothes that fit my soon to be found self

plan the perfect 16th birthday party.

get my license and a car hehehe well at least the first one...


have a party that my ex best friend can be invited to so i can show off my new self.

get a hundred likes on my photography page on facebook.

meet Lanie lene in Vegas after loosing 75 pounds or more.


get a Halloween costume i actually really love.

survive the holiday's with family.

look stunning for my sisters wedding i want her to be proud to call me her sister because i'm sure as hell proud to call her mine... thinks about crying.

make sure the world doesn't end.

2013. and up.

you know just in case we live ;D

walk at disney for charity.

start truly Loving life again. i'm happy now but i'll be happier with these changes.

prove everyone wrong and go to school. well duel inroll anyways.

tour the world starting with the united states.
get a mustang. old and new eventually.

make a difference in this world.

make it as a band photographer/ promo/ wifey/ mom possibly.

I just wanted to apologize to everyone. Not that anyone knows about this blog or reads it but
I know I have not been myself lately. Some of you may say I have changed, and I have seen it in myself as well. I’m not the Cheyenne I once knew, and I’m really afraid to admit that. My depression has been really bad for the past 2-3 months, and because I am sad all of the time, I take it out on others and it affects my daily life. My friends, my family, everyone around me notice a HUGE change in my life, and I don’t know what to do, but I’m trying to make it better. I have been a HUGE bitch lately, when this is not me. This is not who I am. I am a very nice, sweet, caring, non-judgemental, and most of all loving girl, and these last few months, she got lost. But she’s trying to find her way back again. I promise I will make things better, for all of us. i haven't slept in over 24 hours.... this is OdD not only that but i'm just now getting shaky i could easily keep writing and stay up late enough to sleep through the night but seeing how my eyes are getting blurry that might not be such s possible or smart idea haha i stayed up thinking to much a once like i always do. and i also made a pretty cool video for self harm awareness day i can post the link if anyone see's this and ends up wanting to watch it anywhoo. i've been drinking tons of water and juice lately i'm eating somewhat better and less than i was (not that i ate before anyway seriously i watch diet shows with these people eating like five cheese burgers and fries at once yeah of coarse that's why they're fat but me? }why me dude? i don't eat that much i try and pay my dues i put others before myself i'd bend over backwards doing flips for someone before i'd help myself which is something I'm also going to work on because i'm getting to be to much of a push over filled with guilt. anyway back to the whole body thing. i've been working out like crazy i'm actually kind of addicted to it. if i don't at least stretch i start feeling like crap all day i've lost 5.5 pounds so far(: and i'd like to loose 15 more before april 19th not sure about that goal though... my face is finally clearing up even though i can't stop picking at it/: i'm definitely getting back on the right track to finding myself again. so again.

 I’m deeply sorry.
i'm just really lonely but in the end maybe i need this loneliness to work on myself..? maybe theres a reason why i've been like this i don't know of this reason yet but i'm sure
i'll find it eventually in the mean time netflix and birthday party plans it is... goodbye ghost readers~!

Pretty much sums it up. i wrote this Last year though.

I Hate my face
I hate this place
I'm nothing but a disgrace
I'm certainly not out of place here
When will my life become crystal clear?
Who knows maybe sometime in the new year?
there's really Nothing stopping me but fear.
don't try and tell me this is all bad luck when I know I'm really just stuck here.
I've become lost In my own Mind, yet there's nothing there for my to find.
and now I'm sitting here just trying to rhyme... When I'm really just wasting time here simply Lost again Lost in my own Mind. ~Nov~ 30th~ 2011~!

bLeh

i have always had this feeling like i should be doing more then i already am,
i feel like i am wasting my life away, that i am going no where in life, even though i have gone so far already. i feel stuck, like if nothing is going to ever happen, that the things i want in life are just that "dreams" and a wast of time.
not that ima give up because I'm NOT, it just sucks to sit back and feel like its better to just give up, because it feels like nothings going to happen