I’m Happy, really I am…. but deep down inside my bones there’s still emptiness and sorrow.
And I’m crying my eyes out. Tonight has been amazing…. (Past tense... Tonight actually sucks ballz, i think i'm dying. don't be mistake for "dyeing" which happened last night before this was written) why am I still so dissatisfied with life? It’s not my fault he didn't choose me, nor is it my fault he wants me in his life still… it’s all beyond my control. I can’t make him love me, I can’t make him see. That I’m the one who’s meant to be. The only thing I can do now is suck it up and watch him be happy with someone else. Or block and push him away in the deepest darkest corners of my mind where he’ll be forced to stay. Forever nothing more to me than faded memories. another life, another dream i'll never see again. when will my life start over? when does the happiness begin? I can't take this, i can't live with no bliss.... because of you i am like this. because of you, i have to start anew. which seems nearly impossible with my heart this black&blue.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)....
I have it, And i know i do... But i hadn't noticed i was mentioning it to people... Until my mom snapped at me about it today. In return my dad then joked about it later on. Ha fudge. I'm not saying it's bad, or unmanageable. Hence why i don't care to get it fully diagnosed. That comes with medication and doctors. Both of which i fear and highly dislike.
It's not always psychical and it's not always noticeable. If i hadn't of said anything no one would ever know all that much about it. It's a disorder caused by anxiety which is very clear that i also have. Leaving the house or even my room is hard for me most day's and hardly anyone will understand it or me. Hell even i don't fully understand myself, my problems or my so called mental issues.
They don't define me. However they do make my life more difficult. Obsessions are involuntary, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again in your mind. You don’t want to have these ideas but you can’t stop them. Unfortunately, these obsessive thoughts are often disturbing and distracting.
Compulsions are behaviors or rituals that you feel driven to act out again and again. Usually, compulsions are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away.For example, I hate spending my money, If i give in and by something i think about it for days. I'll sit there in the store, thinking of reasons i want or need said thing... But then i think of what other things i'll need the money for in the future. Most silly dumb things, but it usually stops me. And if it doesn't i hate myself for a long while. I bought myself a CD bundle for one of my favorite bands... And even after it had arrived i had regretted it. Because i knew another band would come along with a better cheaper bundle that i'd want and enjoy more. This ended up happening exactly. But i bought the second bands bundle as well. This time with less hesitation surprisingly. Although it still pained me to let myself have what i wanted and very well could afford.... I still even now sit here thinking how dumb it was. I have over $600 saved and left. i shouldn't care about what I've spent on something i'll enjoy.
It's mental for me mostly as stated, but i also have certain other aspects of this that i don't care to get into or explain right now. But might do so in the future. When i say i have OCD i don't mean i want you to understand or pitty me. I'm just trying to work on it myself by getting more into it and other problems i have. it's an obsession because it keeps me from focusing on the simplest of things. Sometimes i can't even type or speak because i'm too far gone in my head. Now this used to come from something i shall not explain because it's gone and i'm a lot better. so there's honestly no need to do so... But my ocd was over a person as well. Because i'd do nothing but think of them. or want to talk to them. Now that they're out of my life, Or so it seems. I'm hoping i'll get that part of my problem to go away. So i can be brought out of my head and back into reality.
I could have made this far more educational. I could have said more about myself as well. But for now, i'm tired and happy with what I've said. That and i highly doubt anyone will ever read this anyway so what's the point of going on, Or trying to make myself sound intelligent? When no ones around to notice? Ha and they say i'm not smart..... I can be, when i choose to be. Lately I'm a depressed and lonely as fuck teenager that wants nothing more than her life back. Seeing how that's not an option, At least not an easy one. I choose to sleep all day, and stay up all night. If i'm lonely and alone, Might as well blame it on everyone else being asleep.
It's not always psychical and it's not always noticeable. If i hadn't of said anything no one would ever know all that much about it. It's a disorder caused by anxiety which is very clear that i also have. Leaving the house or even my room is hard for me most day's and hardly anyone will understand it or me. Hell even i don't fully understand myself, my problems or my so called mental issues.
They don't define me. However they do make my life more difficult. Obsessions are involuntary, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again in your mind. You don’t want to have these ideas but you can’t stop them. Unfortunately, these obsessive thoughts are often disturbing and distracting.
Compulsions are behaviors or rituals that you feel driven to act out again and again. Usually, compulsions are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away.For example, I hate spending my money, If i give in and by something i think about it for days. I'll sit there in the store, thinking of reasons i want or need said thing... But then i think of what other things i'll need the money for in the future. Most silly dumb things, but it usually stops me. And if it doesn't i hate myself for a long while. I bought myself a CD bundle for one of my favorite bands... And even after it had arrived i had regretted it. Because i knew another band would come along with a better cheaper bundle that i'd want and enjoy more. This ended up happening exactly. But i bought the second bands bundle as well. This time with less hesitation surprisingly. Although it still pained me to let myself have what i wanted and very well could afford.... I still even now sit here thinking how dumb it was. I have over $600 saved and left. i shouldn't care about what I've spent on something i'll enjoy.
It's mental for me mostly as stated, but i also have certain other aspects of this that i don't care to get into or explain right now. But might do so in the future. When i say i have OCD i don't mean i want you to understand or pitty me. I'm just trying to work on it myself by getting more into it and other problems i have. it's an obsession because it keeps me from focusing on the simplest of things. Sometimes i can't even type or speak because i'm too far gone in my head. Now this used to come from something i shall not explain because it's gone and i'm a lot better. so there's honestly no need to do so... But my ocd was over a person as well. Because i'd do nothing but think of them. or want to talk to them. Now that they're out of my life, Or so it seems. I'm hoping i'll get that part of my problem to go away. So i can be brought out of my head and back into reality.
I could have made this far more educational. I could have said more about myself as well. But for now, i'm tired and happy with what I've said. That and i highly doubt anyone will ever read this anyway so what's the point of going on, Or trying to make myself sound intelligent? When no ones around to notice? Ha and they say i'm not smart..... I can be, when i choose to be. Lately I'm a depressed and lonely as fuck teenager that wants nothing more than her life back. Seeing how that's not an option, At least not an easy one. I choose to sleep all day, and stay up all night. If i'm lonely and alone, Might as well blame it on everyone else being asleep.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Giving The big GOD another shot. Not because i've become closer friends with a christian and her family. But because i need to have faith in something. In something besides Anthony, Besides life and myself. And well why not give this another shot. I mean sure i'll still enjoy my music, and my way of living. But it wouldn't hurt to have a little faith. Even if it may be in something that may or may not exist. It's worth looking into once more.
I used to feel so much better going to church once a week, Not only because i was around teenagers and felt welcomed. But because i was able to get something out of each lesson each week. Weather i took it the way i was supposed to or not it helped. I had more faith that everything was happening for a reason. And that my relationship wasn't as important as i made it. And honestly i miss that. I liked that side of me and i'd like to see her again. Who knows maybe i'll even become a total bible thumper but i'm not going to care. I am who i am and i always will be. I can be a hard core cussing covered in tattoos concert going christian. Yes they do exist. And no they aren't wrong. They may get judged differently by not only god but christians but we'll get to that when it happens. I'm already judged for how i look and what i listen to so why the fuck not.
I'm not going to walk around like i'm perfect or better than you. And i'm not going to shove it down your throat. Because that's not me. Sure you're supposed to be like that in a sense.... But i refuse. and if i do it wrong i don't care oh well. Can't hurt for trying. Can't hurt to add a little of it into my life. I'm sure once i get deeper into it. If i decide to. i'll change my views and whatever. But for now hear me out. I'm just a girl looking to survive the hell she's in. and if talking to myself or talking to god helps. So be it.
Also i've always had thoughts of this in the back of my head. it's not some random realization i've made. or something that's going to last.(knowing me it won't sadly) But again i'm only trying. Just trying to get by. If this helps it helps. I may stick too it. If it doesn't Least I can say I tried. Goodnight.
I used to feel so much better going to church once a week, Not only because i was around teenagers and felt welcomed. But because i was able to get something out of each lesson each week. Weather i took it the way i was supposed to or not it helped. I had more faith that everything was happening for a reason. And that my relationship wasn't as important as i made it. And honestly i miss that. I liked that side of me and i'd like to see her again. Who knows maybe i'll even become a total bible thumper but i'm not going to care. I am who i am and i always will be. I can be a hard core cussing covered in tattoos concert going christian. Yes they do exist. And no they aren't wrong. They may get judged differently by not only god but christians but we'll get to that when it happens. I'm already judged for how i look and what i listen to so why the fuck not.
I'm not going to walk around like i'm perfect or better than you. And i'm not going to shove it down your throat. Because that's not me. Sure you're supposed to be like that in a sense.... But i refuse. and if i do it wrong i don't care oh well. Can't hurt for trying. Can't hurt to add a little of it into my life. I'm sure once i get deeper into it. If i decide to. i'll change my views and whatever. But for now hear me out. I'm just a girl looking to survive the hell she's in. and if talking to myself or talking to god helps. So be it.
Also i've always had thoughts of this in the back of my head. it's not some random realization i've made. or something that's going to last.(knowing me it won't sadly) But again i'm only trying. Just trying to get by. If this helps it helps. I may stick too it. If it doesn't Least I can say I tried. Goodnight.
Friday, September 13, 2013
I want to fall asleep and wake up when things are better.
Better yet, i want to fall asleep and never wake up. My life has become so fucking pathetic. I can't even get strangers who live far away to talk to me and be my friend. I don't even want a boyfriend right now i just want my misfits back. Or a new group of misfits one of which we can all go do things and then come home to a big cuddle movie session and a sleepless night full of giggles. Is all of this really too much to ask for? It seems like no matter how much i try to put myself out there and talk to people it just backfires. Or i get attached to people who could care less about me. I have a really good friend now. One that's always been there, one of which i adore for listening to me talk about the same things and puts up with my shit. But i kind of wish i could see her more. Or could get out of the damn house more. But that seems nearly impossible when i can't make myself drive. It's not that i don't want to it's that i'm scared to. And everytime i push myself to do it anyway i just get worse. The fear just gets worse.
I've slept god knows how long today, And it's all i ever do anymore because my dreams are either amazing so i want more, Or non existent so i want more. I chase them I know i can't stay like this forever and it scares me. Because i've been here for so long. And i just keep falling. Puling myself out doesn't seem like an option anymore. And honestly i feel like there's no point in even trying. There is no way in hell my life is going to come out how i want it to. I'm not going to turn 18 and move in with prince charming and go on dates and hang out with friends and work and go to school and concerts and all these things aren't going to fucking happen.
Why you may ask? Because my prince charming isn't charming or even a prince at all. He's a first love whom i can't shake, give up on, or get over. I still want so much with him. And i know it's possible if we try hard enough but is it even worth it? Why should i let myself pathetically get worse for 6-9 months until he comes back to save me? LIFE ISN'T LIKE THAT. he can't be my knight and save my ass from the tower. No i've got to swing out and jump down on my own. But what if he's not even at the bottom? What if it was all a trick and i wait and jump for nothing!? WHAT IF HE CAN'T CATCH ME!? and i just fall on my bottom and die? I've started normal journal-ling and i'm hoping it will help me figure out what i want and to get through this. I mean this blog does wonders but this book of things is far different from this. Sure this blog is totally all about the same things and or person ..... As is the book. But the book will hopefully one day be seen by said person so that factor make it help? I guess kind of. And it's kind of sweet and romantic in a way if i do say so myself. I'm hoping i can get it to him even if i move on. or decide i'm better off without him.... he needs to read it anyway.
Just so i can know it was read. I always hopped he's see or find this blog someday. and see and read and know all the things i've always felt so hardly. But i feel like it would probably freak him out or push him away. Because it's kind of all over the place and possessive. And i wouldn't want him taking the bad things the wrong way. Or thinking i'm fucking crazy. Which he probably already thinks because it's true. I'm nuts. All my life is... is him. He's taken over my brain and my heart and i've become some crazy emotional robot. One of which he has the controller too. I can't go a day or even a few hours without him crossing my mind. and it's gotten to the point where it's not cute or a good thing. It's a you're fucking stupid and insane you need to be put on drugs and locked up kind of thing. In my opinion anyway. But maybe i'm feeling this way because it's my first love? And i don't know how to think or feel. I've never been one for normality anyway soooooo.....
It would makes sense that i'd put up with so much for so long. It kills me to think i'll be without him. But it also kills me to think i'll be with him forever... with no changes at all but age looks and well some things.. But treatment and behavioral wise... What if he never changes? and what if i never become happy or alive or feel good about myself again?.... I can't see my world without him. Which i need to learn to do and fastly because he's about to be gone for months. And he say's he'll call but it's a long shot. I haven't seen him in two months.... add another 6 to that or 9 to that and well god i'll be dead by then. All of my energy and love comes from him and i just sqlkhfwqkelhfwkldhfkwlhwlqkhvlwdqhlkwqdh
I need to at least see him and say goodbye before he leaves but that's not gonna happen. it's very very un likely. I doubt he'll even call again before he leaves. So i won't even get to hear or feel him again for god knows how long. And that scares me beyond belief. I'm so torn and confused and hurt. and it seems like that's all i ever am. It's all i've been for a long time. I'm always sitting here over thinking every little thing or memory or thing said.... and it kills what's left of the good in me. It's not him that sucks out the happy or the good... It's me... It's all me. What he gives or can give is never enough and i feel like even if i find someone else i'll be the same way if not worse. and i'll loose sight and control over myself.
As if i haven't already.
Good god cheyenne get a hold of yourself. If you sound crazy to yourself what the hell are other people going to think if they ever see this? Which i hope they don't honestly not this one. It's too much. If seen by the wrong person or people i'd loose even more control over my life than i already have. I'd probably been torn away from the only thing in life i know, and love. and i'd fersure be thrown back in school or a loony bin. Both places in which i probably belong. But god this is my life and i need to get ahold of it and myself once again. If only It were that easy. Much much easier said than done. When i can't do a damn thing without loosing focus. the only places i can zone into are tumblr and like dumb websites i don't need. they're useless but i guess if they help.... I'm just looking to be saved. But i don't want to be. Yeah cause that makes sense.
Better yet, i want to fall asleep and never wake up. My life has become so fucking pathetic. I can't even get strangers who live far away to talk to me and be my friend. I don't even want a boyfriend right now i just want my misfits back. Or a new group of misfits one of which we can all go do things and then come home to a big cuddle movie session and a sleepless night full of giggles. Is all of this really too much to ask for? It seems like no matter how much i try to put myself out there and talk to people it just backfires. Or i get attached to people who could care less about me. I have a really good friend now. One that's always been there, one of which i adore for listening to me talk about the same things and puts up with my shit. But i kind of wish i could see her more. Or could get out of the damn house more. But that seems nearly impossible when i can't make myself drive. It's not that i don't want to it's that i'm scared to. And everytime i push myself to do it anyway i just get worse. The fear just gets worse.
I've slept god knows how long today, And it's all i ever do anymore because my dreams are either amazing so i want more, Or non existent so i want more. I chase them I know i can't stay like this forever and it scares me. Because i've been here for so long. And i just keep falling. Puling myself out doesn't seem like an option anymore. And honestly i feel like there's no point in even trying. There is no way in hell my life is going to come out how i want it to. I'm not going to turn 18 and move in with prince charming and go on dates and hang out with friends and work and go to school and concerts and all these things aren't going to fucking happen.
Why you may ask? Because my prince charming isn't charming or even a prince at all. He's a first love whom i can't shake, give up on, or get over. I still want so much with him. And i know it's possible if we try hard enough but is it even worth it? Why should i let myself pathetically get worse for 6-9 months until he comes back to save me? LIFE ISN'T LIKE THAT. he can't be my knight and save my ass from the tower. No i've got to swing out and jump down on my own. But what if he's not even at the bottom? What if it was all a trick and i wait and jump for nothing!? WHAT IF HE CAN'T CATCH ME!? and i just fall on my bottom and die? I've started normal journal-ling and i'm hoping it will help me figure out what i want and to get through this. I mean this blog does wonders but this book of things is far different from this. Sure this blog is totally all about the same things and or person ..... As is the book. But the book will hopefully one day be seen by said person so that factor make it help? I guess kind of. And it's kind of sweet and romantic in a way if i do say so myself. I'm hoping i can get it to him even if i move on. or decide i'm better off without him.... he needs to read it anyway.
Just so i can know it was read. I always hopped he's see or find this blog someday. and see and read and know all the things i've always felt so hardly. But i feel like it would probably freak him out or push him away. Because it's kind of all over the place and possessive. And i wouldn't want him taking the bad things the wrong way. Or thinking i'm fucking crazy. Which he probably already thinks because it's true. I'm nuts. All my life is... is him. He's taken over my brain and my heart and i've become some crazy emotional robot. One of which he has the controller too. I can't go a day or even a few hours without him crossing my mind. and it's gotten to the point where it's not cute or a good thing. It's a you're fucking stupid and insane you need to be put on drugs and locked up kind of thing. In my opinion anyway. But maybe i'm feeling this way because it's my first love? And i don't know how to think or feel. I've never been one for normality anyway soooooo.....
It would makes sense that i'd put up with so much for so long. It kills me to think i'll be without him. But it also kills me to think i'll be with him forever... with no changes at all but age looks and well some things.. But treatment and behavioral wise... What if he never changes? and what if i never become happy or alive or feel good about myself again?.... I can't see my world without him. Which i need to learn to do and fastly because he's about to be gone for months. And he say's he'll call but it's a long shot. I haven't seen him in two months.... add another 6 to that or 9 to that and well god i'll be dead by then. All of my energy and love comes from him and i just sqlkhfwqkelhfwkldhfkwlhwlqkhvlwdqhlkwqdh
I need to at least see him and say goodbye before he leaves but that's not gonna happen. it's very very un likely. I doubt he'll even call again before he leaves. So i won't even get to hear or feel him again for god knows how long. And that scares me beyond belief. I'm so torn and confused and hurt. and it seems like that's all i ever am. It's all i've been for a long time. I'm always sitting here over thinking every little thing or memory or thing said.... and it kills what's left of the good in me. It's not him that sucks out the happy or the good... It's me... It's all me. What he gives or can give is never enough and i feel like even if i find someone else i'll be the same way if not worse. and i'll loose sight and control over myself.
As if i haven't already.
Good god cheyenne get a hold of yourself. If you sound crazy to yourself what the hell are other people going to think if they ever see this? Which i hope they don't honestly not this one. It's too much. If seen by the wrong person or people i'd loose even more control over my life than i already have. I'd probably been torn away from the only thing in life i know, and love. and i'd fersure be thrown back in school or a loony bin. Both places in which i probably belong. But god this is my life and i need to get ahold of it and myself once again. If only It were that easy. Much much easier said than done. When i can't do a damn thing without loosing focus. the only places i can zone into are tumblr and like dumb websites i don't need. they're useless but i guess if they help.... I'm just looking to be saved. But i don't want to be. Yeah cause that makes sense.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
How I yearn for his warm embrace
Tears fall down my face
Can you see in my eyes
How much I hate our goodbyes
I think about you all the time
I know in the end we will be just fine.
Touch me..Love me..be with me
the way we are suppose to be
I've always wanted to be with you
and do the things that lovers do
Tell me you want to be with me
and that we were meant to be
Precious pain go away
Please don't come back another day
Dreaming of you
is all I do
This fire I feel...sparks...heat ...exotic...burning inside
My feelings for you I cannot hide
wishing..hoping....yearning..wanting..needing you near
Oh god can you tell how much I want you dear
I can't pretend anymore.
the pain i feel is far too real, but your heart is mine i must resteal.
i need you in my life, you give me drive, and the want to strive.
It's you...whom I adore
It's you whom I've been longing for
I just want to give you my love..my heart
everything i've felt from the start.
it's all still there begging to come out.
but instead i sit here and pout.
i cry all the time yet my life is in a drout.
filled with so much doubt.
i trusted you again
was it a mistake or a blessing?
are we to begin again? or is all of this just a bunch of pretend?
when will we ever see the end. The light in the dark, the little happiness spark.
I never want us to be apart
In the moonlight I wish on the stars that you were here
instead of being there.
filled with so much fear, and hate about you calling someone else dear.
when in my mind our change was near. stuck blinded in headlights like a deer.
do i jump out of the way? Or do i stay? To get hit. i understand i can't keep throwing fits. but theres just so much to say so much to admit.
One day I will feel your warm embrace again.
instead of the tears that fall down from my face.
we will get out of this place.
we will win the race. Against our souls. Never stopping to pay the tolls. Were run aways ones just looking for a place to stay. a place to be safe and call home, a place all of our own. A place where our demons are free to roam, Freedom from them at last, no more repeating or being stuck in the past.
Tears fall down my face
Can you see in my eyes
How much I hate our goodbyes
I think about you all the time
I know in the end we will be just fine.
Touch me..Love me..be with me
the way we are suppose to be
I've always wanted to be with you
and do the things that lovers do
Tell me you want to be with me
and that we were meant to be
Precious pain go away
Please don't come back another day
Dreaming of you
is all I do
This fire I feel...sparks...heat ...exotic...burning inside
My feelings for you I cannot hide
wishing..hoping....yearning..wanting..needing you near
Oh god can you tell how much I want you dear
I can't pretend anymore.
the pain i feel is far too real, but your heart is mine i must resteal.
i need you in my life, you give me drive, and the want to strive.
It's you...whom I adore
It's you whom I've been longing for
I just want to give you my love..my heart
everything i've felt from the start.
it's all still there begging to come out.
but instead i sit here and pout.
i cry all the time yet my life is in a drout.
filled with so much doubt.
i trusted you again
was it a mistake or a blessing?
are we to begin again? or is all of this just a bunch of pretend?
when will we ever see the end. The light in the dark, the little happiness spark.
I never want us to be apart
In the moonlight I wish on the stars that you were here
instead of being there.
filled with so much fear, and hate about you calling someone else dear.
when in my mind our change was near. stuck blinded in headlights like a deer.
do i jump out of the way? Or do i stay? To get hit. i understand i can't keep throwing fits. but theres just so much to say so much to admit.
One day I will feel your warm embrace again.
instead of the tears that fall down from my face.
we will get out of this place.
we will win the race. Against our souls. Never stopping to pay the tolls. Were run aways ones just looking for a place to stay. a place to be safe and call home, a place all of our own. A place where our demons are free to roam, Freedom from them at last, no more repeating or being stuck in the past.
Friday, September 6, 2013
I gave up on him.
I let my mind and gut win. It's for the best really.
Now maybe i can learn to begin again.
Either that or i can get worse.
Because afterall i'm cursed.
there's not let's be friends
and no more chances.
I fear this is the end.
One last goodbye one that lasts. One forever held over my head reminding me of the past.
I should've let him go the first time i tried. A part of me has died. I'm not ready to be on my own. But it's needed and my strength will be known. One day i'll look back and be shown. I'll see where things went wrong. And i'll realize it was him all along. He was the liar and the cheat. Which ended with my heart incomplete. and my life in defeat. It takes that first step. to figure out myself in better depth. I'll be ok. just not today. And probably not tomorrow. For i am still so filled with sorrow. Longing for a love i had already lost. Holding onto things that i'd never live to see. For this never was just you and me. We never were meant to be. You weren't a mistake, you were a lesson. One i wish i'd have caught onto sooner. For i'd have saved myself so much pain. For had i stopped myself from loving you before i went insane. This was nothing but a game. A cold hard fucked up game. It pains me to think of all the shame. Hahaha this got hella lame. The end.
I let my mind and gut win. It's for the best really.
Now maybe i can learn to begin again.
Either that or i can get worse.
Because afterall i'm cursed.
there's not let's be friends
and no more chances.
I fear this is the end.
One last goodbye one that lasts. One forever held over my head reminding me of the past.
I should've let him go the first time i tried. A part of me has died. I'm not ready to be on my own. But it's needed and my strength will be known. One day i'll look back and be shown. I'll see where things went wrong. And i'll realize it was him all along. He was the liar and the cheat. Which ended with my heart incomplete. and my life in defeat. It takes that first step. to figure out myself in better depth. I'll be ok. just not today. And probably not tomorrow. For i am still so filled with sorrow. Longing for a love i had already lost. Holding onto things that i'd never live to see. For this never was just you and me. We never were meant to be. You weren't a mistake, you were a lesson. One i wish i'd have caught onto sooner. For i'd have saved myself so much pain. For had i stopped myself from loving you before i went insane. This was nothing but a game. A cold hard fucked up game. It pains me to think of all the shame. Hahaha this got hella lame. The end.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
I'm The Rehab, You're The Drugs( 9/1/13)
Well, after a week of hopelessly hoping i finally got contacted from you. Tears filled my eyes as i read your name pop up on my phone. I had sat in the dark all week waiting, Alone. As i go to reply, i sigh. I can't figure out what to say, and i don't know why. After all i've waited and waited for your text or call. when all the love i have for you is hidden away. Where for awhile it shall stay. What you said wasn't at all what i wanted to hear, but luckily it wasn't the things i feared. You still hold my heart, Dear.
I can't get it back, my soul now darker than ever seeing nothing but black. I need to start cutting you more slack. I know i deserve more and better, and that the storm we're stuck in will pass as it's only bad weather.
But i can't help but want more, and not just things bought from a store. I want your heart back, i want myself and my name in your core. In your bones, enough to make you feel sore. Even more, than already. I know you hurt, but i hurt too. How long is the pain here to stay, how much do we have to go through before it goes away. When there's nothing left to say, and the demons in my head are no longer at bay. i'm cast out to sea, and my demons they can follow me. Follow us, it's all left up to faith and trust.
Non of which i have anymore. god this has become such a bore. Writing over and over again about the same whore. How much do i have to try, how many tears are left to cry, before it's over and done.
Before the darkness becomes the sun. before night becomes day. Before all of it goes away. and for when the happiness comes back and is here to stay.. I just hope we're not stuck this way. and that in the end we'll both be okay.
Hopelessly hoping, barely getting by barely coping. i give and i give and i give. roping. Grab hold, and let's grow old. together. we'll get through it, we shall not fear the weather. for i know it will get better.
I can't get it back, my soul now darker than ever seeing nothing but black. I need to start cutting you more slack. I know i deserve more and better, and that the storm we're stuck in will pass as it's only bad weather.
But i can't help but want more, and not just things bought from a store. I want your heart back, i want myself and my name in your core. In your bones, enough to make you feel sore. Even more, than already. I know you hurt, but i hurt too. How long is the pain here to stay, how much do we have to go through before it goes away. When there's nothing left to say, and the demons in my head are no longer at bay. i'm cast out to sea, and my demons they can follow me. Follow us, it's all left up to faith and trust.
Non of which i have anymore. god this has become such a bore. Writing over and over again about the same whore. How much do i have to try, how many tears are left to cry, before it's over and done.
Before the darkness becomes the sun. before night becomes day. Before all of it goes away. and for when the happiness comes back and is here to stay.. I just hope we're not stuck this way. and that in the end we'll both be okay.
Hopelessly hoping, barely getting by barely coping. i give and i give and i give. roping. Grab hold, and let's grow old. together. we'll get through it, we shall not fear the weather. for i know it will get better.
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