depression hurts but that's Life.

Depression is humiliating. It happens to turn intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks Let alone deal with the people around them. And don't even get me started about being an empathic dealing with this. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, in my case my family members and the others around me.,your lifelong passions, and your relative good fortune. It destroys your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge glop craptasticly in saneness, that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially. Nor can you deal with they're problems or they're life wethere it's good news or bad you simply just don't want to take the time to talk to them. you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, You risk the love of your family members because your so called bad attitude seems to annoy the living hell out of them. you sleep the day away because
you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You stay up all night because the crazy atmosphere of the world around you slows down just a bit and everything quiet. Sadly this is the moments when your stuck with yourself, your mind, and your problematic life.
You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunging spiral your spinning carelessly down apon. You,
have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, this living dead girl you've become is such a pitiful sight peering out from the corners of mirrors that you try and to avoid in the dark depressing night. this seems to
exacerbate the depression and the isolation you simply just want to be left alone for days On end, left to do nothing but eat to much, sleep hours at a time and watch those romantic comedies that make you cry so much you avoid them at all costs.
If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. Actually i take this back i assure you everyone on this planet has felt like this at some point at some time in they're life. No one can be happy all the time it's simply impossible.
No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. you stop giving two shits about the fact that your sister cant sleep because of a restless baby at home. you stop caring about those you'd always ALWAYS put before yourself and your feelings. even on thew day's when you wanted to cry out for help you just left it blank and focused all your time on them instead of facing the facts and dealing with your own demons.
If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged I'd like to take a last few moments here to say that i promise you all i'm doing okay. I'm not going to run of someday and kill myself i'm not that kind of person. i don't need or want your pitty, i don't want to talk about what's going on in my life or why i am depressed because i don't have an answer for you. do you think i choose to be the way i am? Do you really think i've been a complete ass for no reason pssh if so then you ob viously don't know we very well. i'd just like to say that all i need right now is to be alone. no babies, no family, No friends, no worries just myself. i'll be okay you will be too. just know that your not alone and neither am i. were all mad here we all have problems we all have our doubt and our hopeless feelings of being alone. don't think like that because your not. I promise you that your not alone and if any of you whom have the chance of reading this need help don't worry about what i've done don't worry about what i've said i'm here for you YOU ARE NOT ALONE. and together we can grow to show the world that there is hope. that there's simply no need for suicide or bullying or hate. put down the razors but down the needles and pick up your fingers, pick up a notebook and write or type. and last but not least FIGHT to UNITE. that is all much love a very mentally exhausted chyster

sometimes i feel mentally incompetent

i'd Like to take a second to fight for a Bunnie, even if i don't get one i'll feel better about the whole situation if i type it up and post it. when i write in a notebook i often don't make as much sense or get to the bottom of my problems as well Not Only that but i enjoy telling myself somewhere out there someone has found my blog and often feels the same way or has the same problems as i do even if no one reads this it's nice to at Least pretend my feelings and opinions are important to people. this blog isn't a cry for help it's more of an online notebook of a problematic teenage homeschooler. i don't care how Stupid this sounds But,

sometimes i just wish i had an excuse for what i Do i really well do. i wish i could say Oh it's okay that i'm a horrible aunt i have _______ or oh don't beat yourself up Cheyenne your only socially awkward Lonely and all your friends Leave you because you have _______  your A _____ i really wish as horrible as it sounds that i could say i have a small portion of autism , or i have  - inserts different mental disorders here- or i have some accurate psychologist worded out perfect definition of why i do things the way i do. certain sounds Drive me crazy, my mind is faster than my mouth, i have no brain filter, i word things horribly wrong to an extent where some people avoid me because of the weird things i do i try Not to show it but these things really do bother me. But i don't care for doctors and the last time i went to see a psychologist everything went horribly wrong. i truly believe i'm still messed up from the way that medicine worked... anyway i'm getting of Point how would you feel if someone said your niece was your arch nemisis? even more how would you feel in when you were a kid your aunt was the only person who really mattered to you, what i'm trying to say is i don't know why i can't stand my niece sometimes and i really wish i had the answers. you don't get it do you, i don't either so it's alright i Just want them to look at me the way i looked at rocky.
  i Love my niece (s) more than anyone could ever imagine and i truly wish certain things they do didn't annoy me as much as they do. all i've been able to think about lately is my aunt and our relationship how was she able to deal with me? where did her Patience come from? i was such a horribly annoying kid i could see why most people avoided me back then. i was merely a child when she died, as a matter of fact i was Only a wee bit older than my oldest niece is now. no one could ever get how much i think about this it haunts me even, My aunt made such an impact in those mere six years and what have i Done Nothing. all i've done is yell at her for things that aren't her or my fault, the day's i try to be close to her i can't something always stops me whether it's her voice are her low IQ okay it's not low she's actually one of the smartest kids i've ever met But for me it's low i don't do well with things Like that. Lately i've been making alot of changes in my life (as you can tell by my highly scattered yet hopefully  well written blog about these changes) and with my recent connection with my youngest niece all i can think about is my role in they're lives. will my relationship with one make the other break out in hatred and resentment for the way i treated her? will the other One shove it in her faces Like i did with my family as a kid...? what's to happen when Shayla's my age will she turn out anything like me will she even love me anymore i wouldn't blame her if she didn't. hell i'd take her side if she ended up hating me i know i've been a horrible aunt and i also know i have huge shoes to fill, but is it to late to change things.. No it's never to late what if i was to die within the next few years Like my aunt did would my nieces feel the same way i do about mine doubtful. i've always Loved animals still do always will, and so does shayla so why not take that and make it a way to fix our relationship. rabbits are calm and loving animals maybe we could both learn something from it. i could definitely learn a few tips in how to love, and she could definitely learn a few tips in being calm. I wanted it to be something we'd share a bond with something we'd both have to love and care for, she'd need me to teach her how to feed, brush,walk,hold,train,bathe, and love. i'd use a calm loving approach when teaching her these things i mean after all everyones right she's only a kid she doesn't understand why i'm always frustrated or yelling at her. Not Only that but i'm tired of being Lonely all the time all i really want is something to cuddle with, boyfriends are over rated and my pugs hate cuddling with me i made a spot for puglsey on my bed last week and right when i went to lay down next to him he scracthed me and ran out the door. he's my dads dog he listens and loves him not me. buddy's okay but he's to big he's a hog and he's hot. bunnies are calm loving creatures who love being loved really i picture myself laying on the couch reading a book or watching a movie with that cute little guy on my chest just knowing he loves and cares for me and has a heartbeat. ultimately he'd be shayla's yes but i'm sure i'd do most of the caring and such i was really looking forward to having a walking buddy. the dogs are to crazy when walking and it's a hassle just getting out of the house. i really needed this in my life right now i was looking forward to making shayla enjoy my company again and i was also looking forward to having a new little friend. i wanted the responsibility and the work i actually wanted to feed and clean and play and train David Vincent Poe damn it </3 i really needed him. it sounds stupid but i really do believe he'd help me achieve happiness. Not only that but if i can't be trusted with the loving and caring for something as simple as a small bunny how will i ever learn to live with and love shayla? how can i be responsible enough to care for myself at concerts, or care for a car and the people in it or around me if i can't even supposedly handle a bunny? am i missing something here? because i don't see any real reason why i can't have a bunny expect for the fact that you don't want me to be happy. even mom wanted a bunny, and you are constantly knocking me down when i make progress with myself i really thought i'd get you back when school was over but your the same, and i'm not okay with this. sometimes i do need negative comments, or directions/ orders from you but this is stupid. just when i thought i was finally getting close to you again you say or do something to push me away. i'll be fine dad, Now let me live a little. i want to love again now help me do it.

you Guy's Don't Get It Do You? the second more detailed let's hope i don't get called crazy part.

i repeat myself alot in this, the moral of the story is I'd love to die to die would be on awfully big adventure, but i'm not going to kill myself i'm not going to beg God to kill me because I'm to much of a wimp to kill myself. the moral and point of this story is i'm lost, yet i know exactly who i am, i'm sad yet i'm happy, i'm dead inside but i'm still alive on this beautiful earth in this wonderful universe created by some higher power that won't be talked about much in this post. that's another story for another time for another reason. Dear everyone even my online so called "friends" i'm not okay i'm done giving you all advice that i can't even use / take for myself i'm going to fix myself although surly i'm not broken. can't you see that i'm not happy,i put up this wall i do my best to please everyone to help out as much as i can, to do school without complaining even though we all know you could be spending that math money on something more worth while something that i'll actually use in life. i know the basics and that's really all i need to know. i keep thinking if i make everyone else around me happy first i'll be able to find my own happiness sure i feed off of people's energy but in the end i just want to please everyone else so i can work on myself. i spend all day taking care of other people and i usually spend the night working on myself... why else would i want to stay up till five just to wake up at 9 and do it all over again. i mean yeah i'm both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that can be possible. i don't always run to heathers for her you know. some nights all i can do is hope she'll pick up that phone and ask for my help i'm Lonely and when i'm with Aubrie it all goes away. the pain, the loneliness,the racing thoughts in my head. everything stops and for awhile i think i'm in some other universe where i can be alive with my aunt again. this doesn't mean i want to die, what Good would that do? all that would do is leave my nieces where i was left off. Scared, Alone, confused, guilty even. i'd never do such a guilty thing as take my own or someone Else's life, i may not be happy now but this too shall pass i'll find my inner self again i see her every now and again. she peaks Out when she Does things for herself, she has a different smile than the other side of me even her laugh is different, but i bet none of you have ever taken the time to learn to know this. for the longest time i thought i had finally found my place here in florida. i was truly happy for awhile everything was simple and genuine and Real. But it didn't Last Nothing ever does happiness isn't something that i can Get from anyone else. the Only way i'm going to find my self is to write it out like i've been doing, to get inside my head and find The things that make me tick. what triggers my mental brain scans when i do nothing but close my eyes and scan a room to make sure what ever sound was annoying me has stopped. i don't know why i do these things, i don't know why something as innocent could make me mad with the slightest sound or movement. part of me wants and easy fix, Drugs maybe? nope tried that i actually think that's what started this whole mess in the first place. i haven't felt the same since that day i started adding things to my body that would make me happy. obviously since i'm sitting here writing this that easy way out didn't work i can't say i don't like the drug's but the drug's like me because not only did i hate the drugs but they hated me back in return. i couldn't sleep, i didn't eat, i was too happy when i wanted to be sad. and i was to pissed when all i wanted to be was mellow. the easy way out is never the option to go with Nothing is ever easy. And when it is easy it's almost never works, or it doesn't last. i don't want to be like this, some day's i feel mentally incompetent and don't think i can deal with the daily task's of life. Now i;m not going to sit here and act like i'm fine because that would be a lie and that my friends would be beside the point of this blog and my writings lately. My point is i'm Okay really i am Life is beautiful my family may not show it well but they Love me, and although i may not show it i Love them. My mom is one of the strongest people i've ever met, and although i often feel like she doesn't listen or care she does and in a way i see myself in her. well i see her in myself. she's gone through the same thing's i have but let's view things from her eyes shall we, i may have Lost an aunt a best friend maybe But she Lost a sister i'd say that's much worse. she had to see her at her worst i didn't, i got to be with my aunt more those few day's than she did she didn't have that last few hours to say goodbye and i did sure i didn't know it was going to be goodbye, but i'd say throwing up in her car was a great way to end things don't you? okay so i was guiltily just know i'm not anymore i'm now guilty for other things. Such as being the one of the worst aunts shayla deserves better than that she doesn't deserve to be treated the way i treat her but i can't stop i've tried i'll get better at this shayla just you wait and see. rocky i'm sorry for letting you down i have some big shoes to fill and a rabbit would have been a good way to start but that's in the past i'm not going to get one i must move on and get the eff over it. sure i delt with a sister who had a drug problem i resented her for the way she treated shayla, i wasn't important anymore shayla and heathers safety were top priority's then but what about now well now we have aubrie and her needs those definitely come before my loneliness and how i feel. i can't even begin to imagine what my mom went through for the first few years of shayla's life Not only was she deal inng with me and my way's of acting out and being a stuck up none important bitch but she also had to juggle her parents, her oldest daughters problems and life and then a grand daughter who needed care and love how could she have hair left? mine would be all pulled out by now. sure i regret they way's ive acted and act but i can't change the past all i can do is change the future and hope for the best. i'm sick of the shame and the regret of the things i've done said or didn't do or say Just know i'm sorry. mom and everyone i really am sorry. my mom pisses me off when it comes to loosing weight she doesn't get what it's like to grow up fat she doesn't get the way i feel about my body and what people say. she also doesn't get how sick i really am sometimes sure i could see why i faked being sick all the time when i was a kid i was pretty much a pro at it but that doesn't mean i'd do that know i actually do hate doctors twilliger will forever be scared in my brain but not only but what if they just shake they're heads and call me fat? Or say i'm mentally ill and need to be monitored or put on even more drugs than the last time that failed. i don't want to be heavy anymore but that doesn't mean i'm going to take a pill eat all i want what ever i want when i want it and call it a day that's taking the easy way out. i work my ass off everyNight to try and loose weight i drink more water than an elephant and still i'm not satisfied i want more i want to work harder i want to get my heart beating so fast it hops out of my chest. but then i'd be dead so yeah my dad drove me crazy when he was under the stress Of going through school but i can't even fathom how it would be like from her perspective so no matter how much i say she doesn't get me maybe i really just don't get her she deserves more help than i give her but right now i just can't i seriously need to find out who i am and how i can be happy i feel like i say this to much but i really can't say who cheyenne is anymore i feel as if my likes and dislikes are all coming from other people and not myself. most of the time i feel like no one get's how i could possibly feel about this all my friends are skinny and beautiful and although we have the same problems i still feel like the out cast of the bunch. i hide my problems when i tell people the demons i fight on a daily basis i'm sure they think i'm lying you would to if you got to know me. i hardly let my dark side show, there's always that Shadow hiding behind me, No one ever knows what i'm feeling even the ones i love most. i'll bitch about somethings to some people but never like this. i'm sure if any of them ever read this they'd think i'm crazy or have problems and need help but i don't the only person that can get me through this is myself because in reality i'm perfectly fine, well i should be i have everything i could ever need to be happy i just need to finish sifting threw my past of mistakes,heartaches,broken promises,and hopeless dreams. see that's the funny thing about myself i don't need to talk about my problems i just need to write them down and think about them. i'm Done with the fake smiles and personality's and i'm done putting everything and everyone before me. i'm going to be the better person in this battle and out weigh the person who doesn't belong the person who's lost inside me the person who could never be found before yeah she's right here and she's here to stay. i'm not going to pretend i'm happy when i'm not and i'm not going to say i'm not the monster because i am. everyone is. most people would think if everyone was the same things would be different right i'm sorry but your wrong.

he who makes a beast out of himself get's rid of the pain of being a maaaaan.

(wo)man to be exact ;}

okay here's a goal list for 2012.

survive earthday birthday.

dye my hair purple, blue, white and black, or red red reddy red red.

loose at least 21 pounds by july 27th

survive the death defying heat of Florida for warped tour / meet Courtney FINALLY.

get to the wizzarding world of harry potter.

get to writing for a blog that has followers who actually read my shizz. yes shizz.

loose enough inches/ weight to get new clothes that fit my soon to be found self

plan the perfect 16th birthday party.

get my license and a car hehehe well at least the first one...


have a party that my ex best friend can be invited to so i can show off my new self.

get a hundred likes on my photography page on facebook.

meet Lanie lene in Vegas after loosing 75 pounds or more.


get a Halloween costume i actually really love.

survive the holiday's with family.

look stunning for my sisters wedding i want her to be proud to call me her sister because i'm sure as hell proud to call her mine... thinks about crying.

make sure the world doesn't end.

2013. and up.

you know just in case we live ;D

walk at disney for charity.

start truly Loving life again. i'm happy now but i'll be happier with these changes.

prove everyone wrong and go to school. well duel inroll anyways.

tour the world starting with the united states.
get a mustang. old and new eventually.

make a difference in this world.

make it as a band photographer/ promo/ wifey/ mom possibly.

I just wanted to apologize to everyone. Not that anyone knows about this blog or reads it but
I know I have not been myself lately. Some of you may say I have changed, and I have seen it in myself as well. I’m not the Cheyenne I once knew, and I’m really afraid to admit that. My depression has been really bad for the past 2-3 months, and because I am sad all of the time, I take it out on others and it affects my daily life. My friends, my family, everyone around me notice a HUGE change in my life, and I don’t know what to do, but I’m trying to make it better. I have been a HUGE bitch lately, when this is not me. This is not who I am. I am a very nice, sweet, caring, non-judgemental, and most of all loving girl, and these last few months, she got lost. But she’s trying to find her way back again. I promise I will make things better, for all of us. i haven't slept in over 24 hours.... this is OdD not only that but i'm just now getting shaky i could easily keep writing and stay up late enough to sleep through the night but seeing how my eyes are getting blurry that might not be such s possible or smart idea haha i stayed up thinking to much a once like i always do. and i also made a pretty cool video for self harm awareness day i can post the link if anyone see's this and ends up wanting to watch it anywhoo. i've been drinking tons of water and juice lately i'm eating somewhat better and less than i was (not that i ate before anyway seriously i watch diet shows with these people eating like five cheese burgers and fries at once yeah of coarse that's why they're fat but me? }why me dude? i don't eat that much i try and pay my dues i put others before myself i'd bend over backwards doing flips for someone before i'd help myself which is something I'm also going to work on because i'm getting to be to much of a push over filled with guilt. anyway back to the whole body thing. i've been working out like crazy i'm actually kind of addicted to it. if i don't at least stretch i start feeling like crap all day i've lost 5.5 pounds so far(: and i'd like to loose 15 more before april 19th not sure about that goal though... my face is finally clearing up even though i can't stop picking at it/: i'm definitely getting back on the right track to finding myself again. so again.

 I’m deeply sorry.
i'm just really lonely but in the end maybe i need this loneliness to work on myself..? maybe theres a reason why i've been like this i don't know of this reason yet but i'm sure
i'll find it eventually in the mean time netflix and birthday party plans it is... goodbye ghost readers~!