sleepless.

Overthinking is my enemy 
It leads me to complete insanity 
A self-pity made up of an inquisitive anatomy 
What if...? 
The two words that spiral me into a frenzy 
A psychological tornado not even my friends see 
My zoned out face says I'm out of it 
But I'm too deep into it 
My predicament suggests mental breakdown is imminent 
Dead memories get brought back to mind 
Checking if history repeated itself one last time 
The answer is in my head, I know 
I'm looking for it everywhere like Waldo 
But I jump to crazy conclusions 
Spurred by past lies and illusions 
Then comes the true/false confusion 
I think it's reality that I'm losing 
Is this the real answer? 
Or is it a trick card? 
Anger spreads like cancer 
Because it shouldn't be this hard 
My brain is pleading in exasperation "Please stop reading into the situation! " 
Except I can't. 
I'm an addict of my thoughts 
And I'll never go to rehabilitation 

i shouldn't be allowed to write, everything always leads to rhymes.

Have you ever poured your soul into something?

Just to get back nothing? It’s fate, 

So release your hate upon me,

And watch me bleed. 
If we poured your heart into mine,

Would it be bleeding all the time?

It would be a crime to treat you so good,

You’d ditch me if you could. 
They say you're a liar, the say you're a cheat
who's to say all of these won't just end with me in defeat?
You miss them, or you love me.
there is no in between.
these feelings these thoughts always under my skin.
wanting to be heard waiting to be seen.
call it jealousy, call it mean.
there's no trust, which is a must.
are we destine to fail, or will our love prevail?
Only time will tell. But not knowing is hell.
these feelings, these thoughts they drive me crazy can't you tell.
i love you that's all i know,  never gonna  let this side of me show.

i feel like it's time to start writing again so here i am.

 every time i'm here nothing comes out.

i end up  thoughtless and in a pout. 

my fingers can't move and i'm filled with doubt. 

words won't come out because my flows in a drought. 

writing always helps when i get like this, but this time i'm stuck here flopping around like a fish. 

a fish out of water. a fish that should have been smarter.

a fish that just needed to work a little harder. 

Lost and alone longing to be saved, a fish that was once all to brave. 

She jumped out of the water hoping to find love from a bird up above. 

she longs to be like him she longs to be a dove don't you see. 

just a stupid fish longing to be free. 

wanting to be like him wanting to be like you and me.

Being human.

 I know that people make mistakes

and I’m included in that.

I think one of the biggest things I’ve learned so far this year is that you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes you say things on impulse. Sometimes you look back on those things and realize that you want to just go back in time and shove the words back down your throat before they have a chance to come all the way up. That feeling is the worst when it’s happening.

but that feeling is okay. It’s good, even. It’s a learning experience.
I’m learning a little everyday about how to improve myself. How to be able to go through the day and not feel bad about something I did wrong.

It’s okay to be a jerk on accident, as long as you know what you did was jerk-like and you’re willing to do the opposite in the future. All this stuff is okay because you can always help yourself get better. The people who matter will let you grow from these mistakes and won’t hold them against you.

I learned that I can’t drag myself down for this stuff anymore. Just apologize when you should and think about what you’re saying. Try not to be so careless with words. They’re powerful things.

I’m learning everyday and that’s one of the best parts of being alive. 

I made the mistake of telling someone they were the best and worst thing to ever come into my life the other day. And although i called them the best thing as well it doesn't make up for me also calling them the worst. Which is in fact true in a way but that doesn't mean they deserved to hear it. I apologized  soon VERY SOON after, and everything was alright but it to me it wasn't. It wasn't alright that i said that and no amount of words or wishing could change the fact that i did indeed say it, But after a long think i realized it was a mistake but a mistake anyone could have made and a mistake i can now grow from.  

So in short i know mistakes happen and i'm going to spend 2013 working on things such as making those mistakes and being okay with it, over thinking things less, i need to start driving again, maybe even get some school crap going.... we shall see about that. Let me take a second to explain why i think and said that this "person" was the best and worst thing to come into my life. Maybe writing it out will help me understand why i said it and why i think it. And hopefully by the end of this he'll just be the best..

Shall we start with the worst because well that's the worst part. He's the worst because he frustrates the crap out of me!  there's always something that he's doing that makes me want to ring his neck and then make up by kissing it. It being his neck by the way.  i keep having countless nightmares about him a night so who's  to even say which dreams are "real" and which dreams are "fake". He has a past i don't know about and that honestly makes it hard to trust him. I mean sure he'll tell me when he's ready, and everyone has a past right so why am i tripping on his? The ex's Oh god don't even get me started about them.

The Good. 

he makes me happy, he's charming, sweet, drop dead gorgeous, Loves everything about me including the crazy side he brings out in me! his fantastic blue eyes Oh god i'm going to stop myself there before this turns into a weird post about my boyfriend. Who if you haven't already guess is the "person" i keep referring too. there's so many things i love about him SO why oh why would i ever say he was the worst thing to come into my life? Because we all know IT'S DEF NOT HIM. we all know that person was...  Ergh okay that's off topic lemme get thus back on track.

Moving on he does and says stupid things, But hey everyone does right. and the biggest thing of all is that he makes me feel, and honestly that scares the hell out of me. I haven't felt like this before. Therefore i don't know how to handle the feels and then it just ends up making the things he does even worse! Honestly i'll admit i get mad and caught up over stupid things such as him hanging around ex's or him not texting me.. But that's normal right? As if i'd know damn... obviously it's going to take some time to figure all of this shit out.  I'd give anything for my aunt to be here with me  to talk to about all of this. But thank god for friends. Because without them ALL OF THEM i'd be so damn lost in thoughts and feelings i'd probably never find myself again. I'm actually surprised there's anyone left seeing how all i ever do is either bitch and complain or rant and rave about yeah you guessed it MY BOYFRIEND. 

So in reality the only conclusion here is that he drives me crazy. CRAZY but  in good and bad ways.  And so far the good outweighs  the bad So  he's worth keeping around. Or so i think Ehh i'll just have to wait  and see where this leads me where this Leads us. I'm happy 90% of the time so no more tripping over that wee little 10% I was stupid But as stated before we all make mistakes But that's just what makes us human. here's to hoping writing Helps me get some nightmare free sleep tonight! With all of this being said, I blame my sister for my high expectations of a boyfriend right now... for many reasons But that's yet another story for yet another post. So for now goodnight invisible readers of mine Chyster over and out.