don't tell me you believe when i say i'm fine.
don't tell me you all can't see the signs.
i signed my name on that dotted line.
sold my soul for such little time,
didn't even cost him a dime,
i lost my heart,
right from the start,
he completely tore my life apart,
i was nothing but a little whore,
nothing more to you but another chore,
now i'm broken and you're not even sore,
i could've bought more love than you gave from a store,
this wasn't what i signed up for,
this wasn't what i wanted,
but then again isn't that how all deals go.
it was all apart of the show.
nothing but an act.
no time to think or react.
running out of time before he goes back to hell.
he'll do anything to settle to make it sell.
and in a millisecond i fell.
can't you see, can't you tell.
i'm long gone now. for he dragged me with him back down to hell.
and for what? i risked my ticket to heaven above all for a kiss lips.
i fell for his tricks. out there in the sticks. Nothing left of my soul.
he loved me and left and it all took it's toll.
no time for goodbyes, or for cries
down to hell i go. that's the end of the show.
i made the deal. the kiss made it seal.
too bad it didn't last.
too bad i can't live in the past.
this is my final goodbye.
please don't pray or cry.
Friday, November 22, 2013
I've been spending far too much time locked inside my head,
Sitting here only filling myself with dread,
Sometimes i tell myself i'd be better off dead.
So i spend my time sleeping instead,
I know there's more to life than being alone,
But i lost all signs of myself in this place i called home,
lost all sight of breaking out of my shell.
i fear i'll be forever stuck here in my own personal hell.
and the funny thing is, None of you can even tell.
Sitting here only filling myself with dread,
Sometimes i tell myself i'd be better off dead.
So i spend my time sleeping instead,
I know there's more to life than being alone,
But i lost all signs of myself in this place i called home,
lost all sight of breaking out of my shell.
i fear i'll be forever stuck here in my own personal hell.
and the funny thing is, None of you can even tell.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Abandonment issues.... Leading back to my aunt!? Or too Anthony? that is the question.
I've been dealing with a lot of fucked issues lately. One of the mains being feeling abandoned by EVERYONE. And i can't figure out where these feelings come from. But people i get attached too ALWAYS LEAVE. Loose interest, Find someone else/ Better, Or just simply walk away as if i'm nothing.
Is this my fault or theirs? And is this why i long for new people to talk to all the time? Yet sit here alone wondering where and why i went wrong. Out of fear of getting too attached to quickly which i do... i stay closed up and alone. Instead of how bubbly and open and happy i used to be. I miss that person so much.
I used to relate to everyone, There were so many sides to me i could walk up to anyone and be a friend and someone to talk to. But not anymore. I'm too confused and too stuck inside my mind to even talk to people i know anymore. Unless i'm really close to them and they put up with me spacing out or making no damn sense half the time. But when i look back on my life and my friendships.... Mostly everyone leaves.
I'd like to think it's them and not me... But the more i think about it The sadder i get. Because it probably is me. I get boring really quick. Talking to me gets old. Even if i try far to hard to keep up the pace i'm a teenage who does nothing. I have nothing to talk about. So after a few weeks or days or months even. Bye Bye friends. They loose care and sight and start to treat me like i don't even exist. It's like i'm there for people so so much and then when i turn around they stop needing or wanting me. And leave. Let's not even talk about when i need someone to be there for me in return. Because honestly TWO PEOPLE have ever stuck with me... and even then one of them i was never close too until now. And she lives within walking distance from my house... How sad. But now luckily i'm so happy to say she's my sister my chosen non blood related sister. She's there for me. And is the best person a girl could ask to have in her life. When i'm with her and her family.... I actually feel like i belong or like i'm apart of a family. I don't get that even with blood relations.
I'm tired of craving people. And tired of putting my all into things that never ever last. Maybe it is my fault. And maybe i will always have this emptiness and longing for more relation but so be it i guess. It's too much for me anymore. I'm done changing and i'm done trying too damn hard to make people stay. You wanna walk out? Walk the fuck out. But don't come crawling back when you're bored or need someone. I refuse I REFUSE.
Is this my fault or theirs? And is this why i long for new people to talk to all the time? Yet sit here alone wondering where and why i went wrong. Out of fear of getting too attached to quickly which i do... i stay closed up and alone. Instead of how bubbly and open and happy i used to be. I miss that person so much.
I used to relate to everyone, There were so many sides to me i could walk up to anyone and be a friend and someone to talk to. But not anymore. I'm too confused and too stuck inside my mind to even talk to people i know anymore. Unless i'm really close to them and they put up with me spacing out or making no damn sense half the time. But when i look back on my life and my friendships.... Mostly everyone leaves.
I'd like to think it's them and not me... But the more i think about it The sadder i get. Because it probably is me. I get boring really quick. Talking to me gets old. Even if i try far to hard to keep up the pace i'm a teenage who does nothing. I have nothing to talk about. So after a few weeks or days or months even. Bye Bye friends. They loose care and sight and start to treat me like i don't even exist. It's like i'm there for people so so much and then when i turn around they stop needing or wanting me. And leave. Let's not even talk about when i need someone to be there for me in return. Because honestly TWO PEOPLE have ever stuck with me... and even then one of them i was never close too until now. And she lives within walking distance from my house... How sad. But now luckily i'm so happy to say she's my sister my chosen non blood related sister. She's there for me. And is the best person a girl could ask to have in her life. When i'm with her and her family.... I actually feel like i belong or like i'm apart of a family. I don't get that even with blood relations.
I'm tired of craving people. And tired of putting my all into things that never ever last. Maybe it is my fault. And maybe i will always have this emptiness and longing for more relation but so be it i guess. It's too much for me anymore. I'm done changing and i'm done trying too damn hard to make people stay. You wanna walk out? Walk the fuck out. But don't come crawling back when you're bored or need someone. I refuse I REFUSE.
Friday, November 1, 2013
You know those attachments you get to people when you talk to them Throughout the day everyday for a certain amount of time?... And how they always end. Life get's boring or busy and you loose than connection. You stop talking daily... You stop telling each other what happened throughout the day and how it was. I'm having issues with this. Not really sure what "this" is.. But it's defiantly an issue. In my book anyway.
I think that's what i miss the most about my relationship. It got crappy and i got cliny as hell... But at the end of the day we still talked daily... well mostly. And everytime we'd talk it was good ole hearty conversation. Explaining our days in details... Probably because i made him or he felt obligated to. But now it seems if i'm to ask someone how their day was and what they did... they ignore it. Or reply crapily. Saying it was good or ok.... with no explination about it. End of conversation end of texts bam done over. I can only deal with so many hey... hey... what's up... nothing.... Conversation. I'm left craving more... wanting more... and i don't know if it's because i have no life and just kind of lye here. Or because i miss the connection i had with anthony? Not him lately... just the connection... waking up to someone falling asleep to someone... blah blah the routine and familiarity. I've been doing pretty well life wise lately... And mood wise lately.... But what goes up must come down.... and well I'm down again. Not way way down like before... But down.
Like halloween started off ok... and then just got worse and worse... and then today is bad all together. Reasons still pretty much un known though. I was happy and sane throughout my day/ night yesterday because i was talking to someone. And today being alone again well makes me bad again i guess? And it's not just because i rely on other people for happiness but because i enjoy having that person to talk to. That person to be there for me when things are bad. Or good even. Not ALL DAY EVERY DAY talking but ya know throught the day here and there hey hi hello is nice.... Bleh. I guess i'm just hella lonely and don't want to feel like this anymore. It doesn't help at all that the person i'm crushin on is over two hours away.... and is popular as hell. Very wanted by people ALL OVER. it makes me jealous. i'm a green ass jealous monster which only add fuel to the fire of my depths of hell. It's not that he's out of my league or doesn't like me back or talk to me.... it's that i know he has fans and a following... and many many girls just like me... But better. And after being cheated on.... even if he's not mine.... and i have no control over him what he does or who he talks too.... I want to ask him to watch what he says to people because i'm a creep. A possessive obsessive creep. which is bad.... really bad.... And i've only gotten worse with it lately... But that's another thing for another day or whatever. Not important. What's important is that i'm attached to this dude when i can't and shouldn't be. I can't ask him to talk to me all the time. And to only put attention and happiness and cuteness all into me.... it's not fair or right. Like at all, But the problem here is him being popular makes me want his attention more.... and more often.... Because of course i now feel like whenever we're not talking he's saying the same shit to other girls or spending time talking to other people... Horrible i know. I'd like to say this is what being cheated on does to people... But that would just be putting the blame on someone and somewhere else but me. And the problem here isn't him, or Anthony or my friends who hardly talk to me... It's me. I am the problem. As is my life. My life is becoming a problem. I'm enjoying waking up and being active ish during the day now.... But i do nothing. I sit around and do nothing. Which is not living. it's loathing. And wallowing. In self hate and pity... and in other realities like movies and being online far to much... Same shit different month. Hello November. Please don't suck. October was alright. But didn't live up to my standers of October. LIKE AT ALL. But then again i bet you neither will the rest of the year. 18 is vastly approaching and i'll never be ready for it. I hate change but i'm so sick of this hell. I want out. But i no longer have the lights or the hands to guide and help me out. Blah blah sure be you're own hero... blah blah.... yeah tell that to the un broken Cheyenne. The princess who used to the hero of her own damn story. Because believe me. She says that to herself all the time and nada. She needs the push and the help.
I think that's what i miss the most about my relationship. It got crappy and i got cliny as hell... But at the end of the day we still talked daily... well mostly. And everytime we'd talk it was good ole hearty conversation. Explaining our days in details... Probably because i made him or he felt obligated to. But now it seems if i'm to ask someone how their day was and what they did... they ignore it. Or reply crapily. Saying it was good or ok.... with no explination about it. End of conversation end of texts bam done over. I can only deal with so many hey... hey... what's up... nothing.... Conversation. I'm left craving more... wanting more... and i don't know if it's because i have no life and just kind of lye here. Or because i miss the connection i had with anthony? Not him lately... just the connection... waking up to someone falling asleep to someone... blah blah the routine and familiarity. I've been doing pretty well life wise lately... And mood wise lately.... But what goes up must come down.... and well I'm down again. Not way way down like before... But down.
Like halloween started off ok... and then just got worse and worse... and then today is bad all together. Reasons still pretty much un known though. I was happy and sane throughout my day/ night yesterday because i was talking to someone. And today being alone again well makes me bad again i guess? And it's not just because i rely on other people for happiness but because i enjoy having that person to talk to. That person to be there for me when things are bad. Or good even. Not ALL DAY EVERY DAY talking but ya know throught the day here and there hey hi hello is nice.... Bleh. I guess i'm just hella lonely and don't want to feel like this anymore. It doesn't help at all that the person i'm crushin on is over two hours away.... and is popular as hell. Very wanted by people ALL OVER. it makes me jealous. i'm a green ass jealous monster which only add fuel to the fire of my depths of hell. It's not that he's out of my league or doesn't like me back or talk to me.... it's that i know he has fans and a following... and many many girls just like me... But better. And after being cheated on.... even if he's not mine.... and i have no control over him what he does or who he talks too.... I want to ask him to watch what he says to people because i'm a creep. A possessive obsessive creep. which is bad.... really bad.... And i've only gotten worse with it lately... But that's another thing for another day or whatever. Not important. What's important is that i'm attached to this dude when i can't and shouldn't be. I can't ask him to talk to me all the time. And to only put attention and happiness and cuteness all into me.... it's not fair or right. Like at all, But the problem here is him being popular makes me want his attention more.... and more often.... Because of course i now feel like whenever we're not talking he's saying the same shit to other girls or spending time talking to other people... Horrible i know. I'd like to say this is what being cheated on does to people... But that would just be putting the blame on someone and somewhere else but me. And the problem here isn't him, or Anthony or my friends who hardly talk to me... It's me. I am the problem. As is my life. My life is becoming a problem. I'm enjoying waking up and being active ish during the day now.... But i do nothing. I sit around and do nothing. Which is not living. it's loathing. And wallowing. In self hate and pity... and in other realities like movies and being online far to much... Same shit different month. Hello November. Please don't suck. October was alright. But didn't live up to my standers of October. LIKE AT ALL. But then again i bet you neither will the rest of the year. 18 is vastly approaching and i'll never be ready for it. I hate change but i'm so sick of this hell. I want out. But i no longer have the lights or the hands to guide and help me out. Blah blah sure be you're own hero... blah blah.... yeah tell that to the un broken Cheyenne. The princess who used to the hero of her own damn story. Because believe me. She says that to herself all the time and nada. She needs the push and the help.
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