it's been a week since talking to my beloved... and well i'm not doing so well without him.

To say the least. Erm i lost my "support system" i'd fall asleep to him, i'd wake up to him... he'd get me out of bed and through the day ya know? And it's nearly impossible to do these things without him. I understand i pretty much finally got my proof that he was cheating. But that doesn't make this any easier. LIKE AT ALL. i loved him, and i will always... love him.... i might move on... eventually. but regardless i know he's always going to have a place in my heart. It feels like he's dead, or well dead to me anyway. but he's not. He's rotting in a program somehwre i uh think? who the hell knows cause i sure don't. I'm still hurt and pissed his family never called and told me what exactly was going on. I never got the closure i needed and well it's holding me down and back. I never got to say goodbye or tell him off... And i'm holding onto false hope that one day even maybe years from now i'll hear from him. and thing's will go back to being good for me and us again. Not that they ever were all that great. I dealt with drama almost everyday we were together gee i wonder why?... ugh. i wrote this on a sleepless night on my sisters couch.. i felt it needed to be said and posted here to get it out there into the universe.

call... phone call... uhm i dunno why but this one cuts off?... 

</3 my heart is shattered and as if i wasn't already broken now i'm by far beyond repair. le fuckin sigh. 

Hi, my names cheyenne genest I fail at sleep, and would give anything ANYTHING to go back to 2010... Also why do the ones we love end up hurting us the most in the end? Seems uncanny and bizarre.. Oh the things i think about at Night.... Le sigh. 

^ Status posted and deleted about said uh ten minutes or so ago. Going to elaborate a little and put my mind at ease so i can attempt to sleep tonight. I took 2010 for granted, I had an attitude towards my family that killed and what then seemed like not enough i look back on now and think wow i was stupid. Stupid for still being so unhappy when i had literally not a care in the world No means or needs of growing old i had friends whom became my family. I was in a teenagers heaven, i was smart and safe yet had a life A WONDERFUL LIFE one i see now that i often took for granted. I miss it so much i miss the happiness, i miss being out of the house almost every weekend, i miss the energy i had, I MISS MY SIZE and hair, i hated myself back then but damn i'd give anything to go back to it now. I mean sure in a way life is still pretty good and carefree but it's just not like it used to be. Ahh the good old days. I miss being the awkward 5th wheel believe it or not never thought i'd hear myself say that.. But it's true those four well Uh three meant more to me than anyone. Sure i was "in love" With both guys at one point in time. Guys i also saw as an older brothers.. but i was dumb to think i'd ever have a chance with them anyway. My mom was more willing to drive me places so i saw them more often than i probably deserved. I had just gotten out of an abusive "friendship" and well i was lost. 
So damn lost but i found them, and they were and always will be my misfits. And oh boy believe me this miss misses her fits. 
Speaking of all of this i just looked down to check the time and caught a glimpse of the date. Le sighs one month left until my birthday really? FUCKIN REALLY? what happened to this year? I've spent the whole year wasting away to basically nothing. I AM NOTHING. i have become nothing. I just lay here and take it. Take whatever life throws at m e, Which is never much of anything important. It's usually just drama unneeded drama. Or anxiety usually caused by said drama. Ugh. I love life, But i also hate it beyond control. Every time i start to think i've gotten my shit together life throws something at me all LOL nope sucks fur yooouu. 
Oh wow boy oh boy i'm happy today life what's to be thrown at me next? A new bitch that can't hop off my boyfriends dick? Or how about another bad stressed out day at work after a sleepless night. Or better yet i fear next time somethings thrown at me it'll be school. Something i'm most definitely NOT ready for. 
I
Why do the ones we love always seem to hurt us the most? We accept the love we think we deserve. That quote has always hit me.. Hit me hard. But  that's just it, I don't think i deserve him. Or anyone for that matter. My minds a god awful place lately. It's become so so dark and well not very nice to itself. back to the questions. Questions that have no answer really...  Is it because we love them and are vulnerable? Or maybe because we love them it gives them the ability to easily hurt us? They love us back... They shouldn't be the ones that hurt us the most. In fact they shouldn't hurt us at all. But they day. Oh believe me they do. I've had my fair share of hurt and pain from loved ones. Isn't it about time i caught a break and was able to stay happy for more than a few days at  time? I used to be so strong i used to think nothing could break me.... And now i'm more fragile than glass it seems. I can't tell if this is caused by my life and how it is right now and as of late. Or if it's just meant to be.. I mean after all at the end of the day... I really am just human... iiick Human. More like Lonely hybrid but eh let's not get into that on here right now.. Or like ever.  

Nowhere is safe.

I i i i feel completely violated.                                                                                                                    My Instagram was my safe haven. And they found it too… Bitches they’re everywhere. and now they’re all tag teaming me to fuck up what’s left of my reltationshit. Cause it’s exactly what it’s been lately I was happy, SO HAPPY. But basically it’s just not the case anymore. it never ends, the thoughts and the worry NEVER ENDS. Killing what's left of my happiness in an instant..  we walk down the street (like the main road street as in where cars and people can see...)  he won’t hold my hand. We sit in a shop he’s starting out the windows always looking for someone to hide me from… Then Oh then there’s Facebook and Instagram which he keeps deleting because of said bitches…. They just won’t leave him or us alone. they’re relentless fucking relentless. I’ve been dealing with this for weeks but last night it an all time low. I've never been so lost and confused in all my life.                                                                        but even worse I’ve never wanted to be dead so badly. Or asleep for days weeks, months, years. Anything to get my through the days until things and life get better.  Not that it'll ever "Just get better". If not One but FOUR people kept stalking and messaging you saying they’re dating your boyfriend What would you do….? I can’t guarantee  I'll  use and take your advice Because its hard… I know what you'll say already and it’s just to hard I can’t. I Love him, and i'll always love him... And no not just because he's my first boyfriend/ love... I love him because he does his best not to let me go to bed mad, He does his best and does what he can to keep me happy day to day... And although i know everything that my mind tells me on these late sleepless nights Could be true. I'd like to stay in denial and never believe that what i'm thinking is true until they are in fact proven to me. As they say innocent till proven gulity right? Yeah well let's stick with that until i get the evidence i need to believe these bitches. 

But when is enough, enough? When will I see through the obvious lies and bullshit!? I've been blinded all these months by love. A love that probably never fully loved me back… All maybe he did. I Still have hopes that all these chicks are jealous and from his past and completely full of shit. but that’s false hope, that’s denial. When so many people are saying the same things its hard to stay in that place…. its hard to keep a blind eye to the obvious. oh you’re jealous because I can post pictures of me and my boyfriend on .line when you can’t….? Errr uuuhm Last time I checked HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND. And I’m allowed to post and say whatever I want about him. whenever and if ever I feel like it. you have no say, and no right to be jealous. He is not yours not anymore at least and he ever will be. GET OVER IT. It’s been months years even build a god damn bridge and get the fuck over it. LET HIM BE HAPPY. let me be happy….. I had a great few weeks after months of insanity and dealing with this. I honestly thought it was over, 
but I was Naive and stupid to think so. It’s not over it will never be over. It’s never ending they’ll never go away. They’ll never leave us alone…. there always going to be something Or someone…. and I don’t think I can handle that anymore… I really don’t. And I shouldn't have to. None of this is fair to me at all to think he’s taking away my rights as a girlfriend because of these bitches that mean nothing and don’t matter? Oh cause that’s totally okay…. I’m your fucking girlfriend you can’t deny me the right to post and take photos of us. Or to talk about you online. Or to my friends…. I’d like to say the same for you in return but with me…. You should be able to post photos and talk about me willingly. And without worry or doubt or fear about which bitch will strike next. or God forbid Again. Not that you'd do these things even if you could without all the fear and worry... Oh god What if they’re all right….? What if they’re all telling the truth and I’m sitting here listening and taking all his advice and ignoring what thy have to say so his ass doesn't end up alone. He’s not worried the drama will get worse… he’s worried I’ll find out the truth and leave!?….. or maybe he really does just want the same things as me. the happiness the peace of mind… The love.WHAT IF I'M THE ONE IN THE WRONG!? for thinking of all these horrible things... For fstarting the fights every night.... For not putting all of my faith and trust in him anymore?... Afterall not all the things my mind tells me have to be true... My only worries here are the fact that they could in fact be true... and i'd still be too damn blind to open up my eyes and ears and see and hear... 

I’m so tired of fighting, fighting myself, fighting for us, fighting him, fighting for him…… my mind can’t take it. I’ve become so s weak….. So stupid……. So denied and so alone…. I feel hidden and stupid and crazy and I just don’t know what to think say or do anymore. I know there's love left here. He loves me dearly i uh believe.. As do i for him... Am i young and stupid to believe that things can actually work out for us in the end?... For thinking that i'm the crazy one and that Nothing's wrong... They're just jealous crazy ex's right..... RIGHT!?.... i'm okay to keep thinking this because it's the truth...? Or is it..... see that THAT'S THE PROBLEM i don't know... and never will....