Sleeplessness and sleepiness.

Having one of those nights where i can't sleep, One of those nights where i don't even get tired until 12 in the afternoon the next day... Yeah i haven't had one of these in awhile and i'm actually kinda sad about it. I wanna be asleep. I like my sleep, or rather lately sleep likes me. For now at least. I'm letting my mind race freely and that's not the best idea i've ever had.
It's driving me insane. I can't even sift through the things i'm thinking right now. Ergh so frustrating. And to make things worse i'm 99% sure there's a shadow figure staring me down right about now but i'm sure as hell not going looking for him. Afterall he could be anywhere if he's even really there this time.
I haven't had any nightmares the past few day's and i'm currently thanking my lucky stars for that because i really needed some decent sleep. It was about damn time i got some of it. For awhile there i was letting the nightmares control me. They were driving me to the brink of insanity and i'm glad it's over.... ~gulps!~ i hope it's actually over.
Things have been going really well the past week regardless of a few ups and downs.  I've been the happiest i've been in awhile.... Although not happy enough just yet... I've still got a lot of work to do before i get to where i want to be. I'm starting to wonder if i'll ever get to that point. If i'll ever get to where i want to be.
I'm sure i will. but surely it won't be easy... And i'm just gonna have to deal with the fact that i'm gonna still have bad days and bad moments afterall nobody can be happy all the time. Not truly anyway. But as always i fear this won't last.... This happiness and this progress won't stick... will it. I feel as if i'll be back to bitching withen the next few days tops and that scares me.. Like everything else seems to lately. Fear is such a shitty emotion. Actually most emotions are in fact shitty. I miss being heartless. I miss so much of the past. So many things from the past.... But i'm pretty sure the thing i miss the most in fact is how emotionless i was the past few months leading up to when i met.... Well my love. I miss people and things and orlando and October... And of course  here i am again back to me being "stuck" Stuck in the past obviously. I swear all i ever talk about is the same things over and fucking over again now a days. Boyfriend this Stuck that Blah Blah Blah... Somtimes i wonder why i even write anymore... i mean it's all the same afterall so why bother... i've written three posts tonight... and they're almost all the same too... And yet my minds still racing and still thinking AND I STILL CAN'T SLEEP. geeze maybe i really am nuts.

All of my posts seem to be about the same things lately... But yet still different i guess...

So let's switch it up a bit shall we?... Yes yes we shall.

I'm slowly starting to get unstuck. I drove today and i mean really drove. Not that pussy back road driving I've done in the past. And finally getting over that fear of mine was a big thing and it opened my eyes a little. I mean sure i'm still scared of driving, Still scared of a lot of things actually. But i'm beating that fear. Slowly maybe? And not all at once. But regardless i'm beating it. And for me that's a huge accomplishment. Schools next. Which is  going to be soooooo much harder to beat.  But i've got to suck it up and do it.
 My mom just came in with popcorn... I think i squealed. Ermergerd so happeeehh she loves me SHE REALLY LOVES ME... or at least knows the way to my heart is food xD Okay back to topic. I'm sucking it up and doing what i have to do to get "un stuck" Because it's definitely been long enough. Almost a year to be exact. Almost a year since i turned 16 and vowed to change. Almost a year since things started going downhill to only get worse... BlahBlahBlah. Although i'm proud of myself for driving a little i know it's not enough to get me out of this. And it's surly not enough for me to want to attempt to tackle school... Just yet... Let's start to get driving down first. And let's keep it as simple yet as complicated as that..

Sometimes having people open up to you can come back to bite you in the ass.

Allow me to explain that. It does one of two things, It either A gets you attached or B makes you more distant. In this case it happens to do both. I've already been attached really really attached. And I've been dying to hear you become and open book. But the things i'm being told are making me want to distance myself from the person i'm closest to. The whole time we're talking i'm thinking BULLSHIT, WTF, NO, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THESE THINGS, YOU DUMNASS, YOU DID WHAT!?, WITH WHO, WHHHHYYYYY!?..... Now yes i think these things but that doesn't mean i actually "Think them".... Not always anyway. I mean some things are far fetched but i believe every word anyway. Because A that's just who i am damnit. And B he's my love obviously i'm going to believe every word that comes out of his mouth. Even the your beautiful's I believe him when he say's it... i just don't/ can't see it for myself ya know!?....
  I mean regardless i'm happy he's finally opening up to me but damn there's some things you just don't say to your girlfriend... I mean i'm all for listening, and i'm all for hearing about your past because i've been curious about it. But Gaaaaah some things i just can't handle right now.. Maybe later on but sure as hell not now.
There's only so much i can handle at once, and the things are piling up. One by one, By one, by one. And sooner or later i'm going break. I'm hoping that never happens but i've broken enough already... I'm hoping he'll realize i'm just as weak. Things are better though, so much better! I can't complain. He's been trying, he's been doing what he can, and i know it's all hard on him too. I realize now i was being extremely selfish by giving up completely those few times and calling it quits. Luckily he didn't let me leave.
Because let me tell ya that would've been one hell of a big mistake.
But what if it wouldn't have been....? Why am i even letting myself think like this douh. It's toxic and negative and thinking like that is what leads us into destruction. But when i'm being told all of these things i can't help but want to turn around and run. Run as fast as i can to stop myself from getting hurt any more. To save myself from becoming them. Wanting to run and hide from so many things and so many reasons. But i can't keep running and pushing. I just can't not forever and not now.
He's been good to and for me and i can't ruin or let that go.

He's making me want to get my shizz together and nobody has ever been that kind of person for me. Nobody's ever loved me like he does and i can't let that go, not just yet... Not without an actual good reason too.... All of this is just talk Who's to say that anything these bitches are saying are really true?.... I'm a girl, i know how we can be. But i'm still so scared that he's completely full of shit and that i should leave now before i let him walk all over me anymore or so much that i'm forced to leave in the future only to be hurt more than i would be if i left now... That and i need to think of him too... If i leave if i ever leave It needs to be now. Or for good reason. Which i don't have at the moment so why ruin the only good thing in my life with paranoia and fear.

Pretty sure I'm not supposed to be this scared so deep into or relationship but for fucks sake i can't help it.... I won't go letting my paranoia make me do stupid things though so i'll stick to what my heart wants..... At least for now<3 because Damn DAAAAAAAMN i love him... But at the same time i kinda wanna punch him in the face sometimes? ;D But i'm sure that's semi normal... and if it's not I've never been one for normal in the first place so fuck it! YOLO bitches. If i end up hurt, i end up hurt. If i end up with my happy fairytale ending? FUCK YEAH. if i end up with a big reality hit once we turn 18 but we stick it out like everything else so far and we stay happy!?.... THEN FUCK YEAH to that too.

Listening to the songs we used to sing, Do you remember?

after all these months i'm still so scared to love you.. I'm still so scared that you're exactly what i fear.. Or that the past will come back to haunt me by repeating myself. I have to let all of this fear go.

I need to let myself be completely vulnerable again before i can let you back. Or so i thought.  you broke down my guards so damn fast i didn't even have time to think about what had accrued... I didn't have time to care about what had happened. All i could thing about but how much i loved you and how lucky i was to still call yourself "mine"... And god i hope you really are still mine. And just mine... 

even after i talked myself into saying goodbye, what was supposed to be the the the final goodbye. I knew i'd never be able to stop loving you.... I still wanted to sleep with your shirt. i still wanted your bracelets around my wrists.. i can't explain how going through all of this made me feel.  But i do know i can't stand to ever feel like that again. I can't keep leaving you. And i can't keep scaring you into becoming the guy i want you to be. That isn't fair not in the slightest. Although it works... It always works. 

however leaving you is never just a tactic to get you to straighten up and realize things need to change... I always ALWAYS swear to myself that i'll let you go. And yet you always seem to find your way right back into my heart. Not that you ever left. Or will ever leave for that matter. I may have a hard time living with you sometimes. But i honestly can't see my life without you. You've become my wonderwall you're what's going to help me get out of this mess i call my life. And out of this dark abyss that i just can't seem to escape. But you've got your own demons to fight off, You're own battles to fight. We're all just looking for someone who's demons play well with our own right. Well looks to be as if you're that person. Now we just need to get over our battles and stick together through all of the bullshit. We'll be happy. Oh soon we shall be happy.

And if we're not i'll have to do what's best for the both of us and just let go..... But i don't know if i can... In fact i'm pretty sure i can't... And that's part of what's wrong here... I need to learn to be on my own again... This is something i have to do on my own, and in my own time... I need to figure out what's best for me. And what i want. Because i can't take being stuck here... I can't take the paranoia that literally never goes away. I can't take loving you one second to feeling lonely and used the next.  I can't trust you anymore. I can't trust anyone anymore... Not that's here with me anyway. I almost lost my best friend because of you. SHE SEE'S WHAT YOU;'RE DOING TO ME..... she tried to help... but i couldn't take her advice i wasn't ready too.. But i'm starting to think i'm gonna have to do it. I'm gonna have to do what's best for the both of us and let go. Our relationship is toxic. Toxic for me anyway. I'm sick of you're mind games. and i'm sick of never feeling like i'm yours and only yours.... it's not fair to me to always be feeling like this. and i honestly don't see it ever changing... I think i need to face this. It's time to finally face this,. 

It's that time in my life where it's time to stop saying and start doing...

And it took nearly loosing my best friend and a conversation with my supposed to be ex boyfriend to finally start to realize this. I can't keep waiting around expecting things to just change themselves because i said so. No I've got to get out and just do it. The time is now, To nut up or shut up.

I've gotta get out there and stat living my life. I'm tired, I'm tired of being here. I want out of this mindset. I want out of this life. And there's no time like the now to start working on bettering myself. If i want to feel alive again this must be done. It is time to take the good with the bad suck it up and take control of my life. Because after all i'm the only one who can do this. I'm the only one who can fix myself and change my life.

BUT I'M SCARED. i don't like being the one in charge of my life? And yet i'm the only one who really can control it.. I don't understand my logic on this... Like at all. But whatever. I just know that things need to change because my birthday's creeping up again.. And all i can think about is how I swore last year that things would change. And all that's happened was a big downward spiral into hell. A hell which i'm living in.  And am stuck in...

It's time to get it together and crawl out.

i've become an attention whore....

I WANT ATTENTION ALL THE TIME NOW DAMMIT.....

And i honestly don't get or know why? What the hell happened to make me get this way?


Oh if i only knew... ~Le siiiiiiiighs~ The things my mind thinks up at five am...

today was actually damn good regardless of how i thought it was going to go. And regardless of the boyfriend drama i'm having once afuckingain....!

I was looking at seeing my aunts friends for the first time in almost ten years in such a negative way. In such a i'm just gonna end up hurt and crying and i can't face them i thought i was over this... Blah Blah... but that was just my mind trying to trick me once again. It was actually really nice to think of my aunt and laugh for once. To think of the good instead of the bad.... And i came to the conclusion that i'm not over it like i thought i was. and that i'll never actually be over it. Over her.

It's just something i'm going to have to learn to live with and move on from. It's nice being able to finally think of her in good ways again though. No more tears Just laughter.

So it's safe to say the new me and the new look on life is dead. And has died already... lol ops?...

Guess it's time to take another approach with this. And by that i mean i need to start walking the road alone. The only road I've surely ever truly known. I need to become "myself" again and i can only achieve this on my own. Nobody can save me, Nobody can fix me. I need to be my own hero of this story. I need to let go, Let go of everything and probably everyone until i can get a hold on myself. Whoever the fuck this self may be.

honestly don't even know who I've become or who i am anymore. I have no backbone, I'm using the past and the people in my life as a crutch and it's keeping me stuck here in a place i don't want to be anymore.  I'm done being there for people when i can't even be there for myself. I need to focus on my life and focus on well ME. I need to be selfish, and treat myself the way i deserve to be treated and then maybe then i can go back to having someone else be the one who treats me the way i deserve to be treated in this life. After all it's true what they say, nobody can truly love me until i can love myself.

I just wish it was easier to let go and say goodbye, I mean We've been through so much so damn much i can't help but think i need to wait it out and get through this as well but no. Just no. This is it. I'm tired of wasting my life away waiting for things that'll never happen. He's not going to turn 18 and magically become the guy i deserve and want.... It never works out that way does it? So why the hell am i waiting around for this so called "life" i'l have if i know it won't ever happen...? Or hell maybe i'm about to throw away the best damn thing that's ever come into my life... But when i look at it IT'S THE WORST TOO.... everyone's right I've become obsessive he's all i ever think about. And not even the good things about him and us. All i ever think about is how stupid i am for sticking around this long when it's obvious that he's probably just another asshole that's only going to hurt me... But that's just it THAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE\....... i can't get out of the mindset that he's too good for me when in reality I'M the one that's too damn good for him.

I put up with a lot of useless bullshit that i don't need to stand for, Anyone else would've left by now but not me... I can't i'm too busy holding on to the future that we'll never have. Seriously there problem here is two things really.... It's not all just me is it? No if he saw things in my eyes maybe he'd understand how much he puts me through without even caring to realize that i need help and love too. I  NEED TO BE SELFISH I NEED ATTENTION AND LOTS OF IT OK? you're not the only one that needs help here buddy. And every time i reach out and show that things aren't right between us you pull the You need to calm down and relax everythings fine blah blah you're fine you're over reacting blah blah... MOTHAFUCKA i'm not over reacting about some bitch calling herself yours ok? Because i can't help but start to think i'm, not the only one in your life and i can't handle that. If i posted about bitches all the time on facebook he'd probably start to think the same things... >.< THIS IS A TWO WAY STREET.... i'm tired of being the only one fighting and i'm sick and fucking tired of things always getting turned around on me.... I don't deserve this shit. You wouldn't last a day in my head. You think you're suicidal now? HA ha fuckin ha. Try being in my head for a night/ morning and then we'll talk about wanting to die. My life is far from perfect. Don't judge the book by the cover, don't judge a person by the walls they put up... End of rant good day.

Today was Grrrrrreat! The first "great" day I've had in awhile Too...

And i owe it all to you<3 You obviously being my boyfriend.

the new Look on life i have lately surely seems to be working... I just hope it sticks....

and i hope this hits him too... So we can be happy, regardless of everything.

Anyway My day,
I was awoken at 8:13 am as usual well the old usual anyway. Because as of late things have been a bit different sadly. Things have been hard on me. But things have been even harder on him. So i'd say today was needed for the both of us. He did his best to text me through out  the day when he could. and I in return woke up and stayed awake for him. Also got things done for once and by things i don't mean important things really but hey at least it's a start. And a good one at that. He really is what makes me happy, Even if things get hard, even if i can't see him for awhile, even if i don't get showered in presents and go on crazy dates... I know those things will come someday. And by waiting and sticking this out all of it will mean more then anyway.

Who's to say relationships are defined by the gifts and the dates and the things. None of that really matters in the end, Does it? What matters what really really matters is that what we have is worth holding on to through the good the bad and the ugly. Sure it's a little soon to be having as many problems as we've had but hell LIFE HAPPENS. Some things from the past just can't be avoided and i get that. He deserves me he really does<3 I can't even begin to fathom how much I've come to realize he means to me. I just wish i was better at showing it.

I make jokes and i act like i don't really care.... But i do Oh i do. I've never been one for admitting or showing things  So obviously i'm gonna shrug it off when people ask about him. I wish i could list all of the wonderful things instead of always being "Oh he won't be around for awhile"
"Oh he's such a girl" "Oh he's so damn frustrating blahBlahBlah... I don't know why i get like this and do and say these thing but oh you better believe it i'm gonna stop.

He's mine, HE'S MY BOYFRIEND he has been. And although i may not act like it often I'm head over hells in love with him and i hope he sticks around for an awfully long time. Forever even. It's sad that i have troubles even posting photos of us anymore... I have trouble admitting to people that i really do love him I just wish i knew why i was this way.. But then again i wish that about a lot of things ~Siiiighs~! i just still can't help but hope everyone's wrong about you. If only i could make them see you how i see you my dear.
although i'm still so filled with fear, that they're right about you. oh please don't let it be true. Because i i i i love you...

i'm i'm i'm changing again..... Ooops...

i've been known to have different personalities and differentiated parts to me... parts that only certain parts of me ever get to see in full.
Everyone always sees the parts of me i want them to see. I wouldn't say i change "for them" or to "fit in" but i would say that there's parts of me that i know not everyone will agree with so i keep it to myself.

Well lately i've learned to just well be me. In full all of my problems all of my personalities all of myself in it's rawness. Because that's the way it should be. I should be able to show every side of me to everyone. Right!?

i don't need to hide myself, or well parts of myself. I can be the shy depressed anxiety filled kid who wears black one minute and then be the down to earth intuitive talkative crazy outgoing colorful Cheyenne as well. Sure these personalities contradict themselves, and who knows maybe i have a problem and are more nuts than i already think i am but fuck it...  I am me.

I love wide ranges of things and i've always been like that, who's to say what's normal and what's not!?

SAY NO TO NORMAL. It's perfectly ok to love country and metal and everything in between it's also okay to hate these things that doesn't mean i have to stick to one little box of stereotypes.. I CAN BE WHOEVER THE HELL I WANT TO BE and that's what makes me ME.

I'm homeschooled And hardly leave my house, But that doesn't mean i'm stupid and anti social "all the time" anyway. Because i can be both sometimes that's fersure but hey who cares.

Lately i've been really into anime and video games which are things i've only merely dabbled in from time to time in my life. i've never been into these things like i am now. I'd just nod my head and agree to liking them to keep my friends and to keep conversation. But i've grown into liking new things again... I'm in a weird place and mind set right now one which i really need to get the fuck out of.... But i've grown comfortable with it Too comfortable... I need to change again, i need to fix this... I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.... and by that i mean i need to stop sitting here saying i'm going to and go out and actually do it... I need to go better myself i need to get my life back. I need to drive and i kind of need school yeah.... I don't want to be stuck here like this forever but i also don't want to change... not yet... i'm ready But i'm not? i'll never really be ready.... It's one of those things i won't be ready for until i just push myself to do it. But i'm not good with change and i'm not good with pushing myself to do things either.... GOOD GOD life can be so hard.... I'm not saying i want to die, because i don't i want the complete op actually i want to get out and start living again... really REALLY living again... like driving and going places and doing things... i'm tired so tired of the way my life is.... I'VE BEEN STUCK HERE FOR ALMOST A YEAR.... a fucking yeatr i've allowed myself to do nothing and as much as i hate change i know i need to change soon or i might just be stuck forever.... GAAAASAAHHHHHH my mind hates me right now. but Hey at least this posts isn't about my boyfriend ;) be happy about that. cause i know i am... it's good to have my mind off of him for awhile because everyones right i've been a little "obsessive" but that's how every girl gets sometimes... it's hard not to when someone becomes your world. so much so that you want to better yourself so that you can better him in return for an outcome of a good life together someday... which makes me even more confused because shit keeps happening that makes me think i'd be better off on my own without him but i i i can't i'm not strong enough to go back to that... i like having feelings again... and i like having someone to kind of rely on... and someone to say they love me and that they love everything i hate about myself... but what OH WHAT IF those are just words? words and pawns in a childish game i still think he might be playing...? Gah there's just so much more to add to all of this but it's long and confusing and horribly written so i'm just gonna stop tying now... 

that awkward  moment when you realize the nightmares you months ago weren't just paranoia seeping into dreams.... It was your mind  and the universe trying to stop you from getting hurt... But now your in too deep and don't know what to say or what to even think anymore.

i should've listened to my brain instead, I Should've left when i had the chances.. I know sooner or later i'll move on, or that sooner or later it'll be worth holding onto but damn it's just getting so hard to do anything when he's not around. He gives me the energy and the strive to stay alive, to get out of bed to keep on living... what am i supposed to do when he can't be around to keep up the giving!?

Nothings set in stone yet, but i'm honestly sitting here Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...

I won't mention what's going on exactly because well that would be a very very stupid irrational thing to do, even more so without fulling knowing what's gonna happen. But i'm scared, scared for him... and well scared for me... I don't know how i'm going to make it without him. I've become so codependent on him that i don't know how life will be without him. Or how i'll even try and move on from this because it's honestly a lose lose situation unless nothing happens and it was all just some big misunderstanding i guess is a way to put it without mentioning details but i just ldko;fjwslkfwre;oLSKHGWKljsglkarejgk;lsanblksdjgvkefbgkdjngl;aejrgo;lrasgkl;jwrl;kgj  I fear sleep now yet i'm so overly tired i can barely type this up. I can't help but think i'm going to have more dreams about this, more dreams about him... and not the good kind of dreams about him either.... I can't help but want to smack myself upside the head for never heading the warning signs or listening to what other people had to say because they're right he's just another Jit jason wanting to take control of my life And everthing about myself and call it "love" Sure my sisters history could be repeating itself in me... Or it could just be well me and my life and i know things all happen the way they do for a reason but damn i can't help but feel stupid for hanging  on so long and so much... Let Alone even think about the facts that i still can't let him go... I just can't regardless of what happens he needs me... And i can't leave him, not like this, not now... I've got to support him at his weakest and accept his past... all of which has been taunting me this whole damn time... Le sigh why is love and relations so hard!?  i can't put up with this much longer, i can't help but feel like i'm being selfish here but damn dude how could i not be in a situation like this!!!?... Ugh Why can't prince charming be real, why oh why can't some handsome guy just come sweep me off of me feet and carry me away to a castle out of this hell full of no worries and no problems ever again? a castle full of things to make my dreams come true the good dreams obviously... Not the bad ones... Gah i'm so confused and frustrated right now that maybe i really should just let myself sleep and hope to god i have texts waiting for me when i awake... And not the damn short stupid texts i want a cute long good morning beautiful i love you so much blah blah blah AFTER ALL THE SHIT i've been through tonight and lately i deserve that cute  text damnit. And maybe that just  means that i have to move on and find someone who's like that...  maybe the time has finally come to suck it up grow some tits and leave? I'll be okay on my own i just know it... Maybe it'll take awhile.. and maybe i'm ruining something that could've been forever but honestly if this is what our forever is like I don't want it to last... I'm sick of the nearly loosing each other, the fighting the bullshit the ex's and  the possible lies?  I CAN'T TAKE IT.... all i have left to say is that if things last and nothing happens.... things between us better get better because i'm tired of holding onto nothing.. But nothings all i've got... is it horrible that through all of this all i can think of is HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID YOU DUMBASS DID YOU EVEN STOP TO THINK OF ME? or think of us!? and what could happen if shit happened to go down because of this...?  Yeah you better get to hoping and praying you get off easy because i'm not waiting around for you... Nope. NOPE NOPE NOOOOOOOPPPEEEEE...... I'm being selfish But damn it somtimes you've got to be. I'm tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return. things were perfect for like what three days!!!?..... what the hell happened to that?

Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you...

But who's to say it can't be both!?... It's safe to say i've had a rough couple of days and that's to say the least. I've never been one for being reliable... I mean sure i'm good at listening but talking definitely isn't my strong suit... And lately i'm the only one doing any talking... It's just everything was going so well, and now it's turned to hell. Guess it was to early to tell. Nothings ever perfect and this is just another test. We'll get through it put it behind us and leave the past to rest. At least i'll try my best. God god what happened to us? We only lasted a few days without shit trying to pull us apart again!? Am i stupid for sticking with it thus far?

If you hesitate and look away,
Then hope you never have to say,
I could have saved a life that day,
But I chose to look the other way.
I don't want to loose you. 

They say things have to get worse before they can get better. 

this love has been cursed, but things can change, As long as they don't stay the same. 

Because i can't take it, i'm loosing what's left of my brain. 

Lost all hope, going insane, At the end of my rope.

Wanting so badly to let go, wanting so badly to just say no. 

Oh, Oh, Oh, this goes to show. 

That love is true, that together we can make that light shine through. \

Left here alone, waiting to be shown, 

that you still care, and that you're still there. 

Forever thinking your last text will be the last, that i'll end up here forever being stuck in the past, Never being able to let go, never being able to say no. Never seeing you show. 

This isn't just a game, i assure you we are not the same. Let me show.... 

conclusions I've come to realize today..

Number Uno, The heart wants what it wants. Regardless of what anyone says and regardless of what the brain thinks. My mind hasn't been a prettiest of places lately I've been over thinking which leads to even more over thinking. Which then leads to trouble.

I left him, i finally did what i thought was best took a stand realized i was worth something and left.. But then,  Oh then.. He made me realize that he was the one that made me realize i was worth something to begin with in the first place.. He made me feel alive, so alive. and with that came emotions and feelings TOO MANY OF THEM if you ask me. I haven't been treated badly at all, He gives me all he can and i was stupid to say that wasn't good enough. Sure he says and does the stupidest things that often lead to me hurting... BUT HE'S A GUY... All of them are like that, and honestly if i'm gonna be hurt over stupid things i'd want them to be from him.. Because afterall he's the light in my dark and he's slowly but surely he's showing me how to live again. I just hope i don't end up regretting all of this someday... They always say first loves are the hardest to let go of... But who says i ever have to let go!?... Hoping i won't have too but that's just me being young and stupid wanting my fairy tale ending and shizz. Gotta change my mindset big time over the next few months or my paranoia and lifelessness will surely be the death of what's left of me... Ah now to cuddle the shirt i stole from him and drift asleep wishing it was easier.. wishing everything was easier... But then again things that come easy are never worth it in the end right!?.... Yeah