Haven't written it what seems like awhile but i guess things have been good enough to were i haven't had to write so much. I mean sure i have had a few freak outs one of which lasted days and put my boyfriend threw hell but it's all good and done now. Life feels okay again. Which is probably just today talking. ( or well yesterday if you want to get technical) I had a date day :33 It was actually really enjoyable despite wanting to be lazy and despite the heat/ rain. Which i actually enjoyed!? Shocking i know i'm surprised i didn't complain as often as i usually would have. In fact i don't think i complained hardly at all. I was too happy to care about being hot, gross, and in pain. MY LEGS HURT SO BAD. damn you chaffing daaaaaammmmnnnn yyyooooooou.

Anyway i saw a side of Anthony I haven't really gotten ever see. I saw the side of him how he is in the public eye where anyone could see us or see him including the people he dislikes or whatever and believe me we saw a bunch of those hahahaha. He still held my hand and loved me anyway even with people around and that really hit me hard... I've felt kind of hidden lately and being so out in the open with him made me giddy. He also opened doors EVERY SINGLE DOOR. i swooned so hard, i went to open one and he wouldn't let me. It was hella cute. We spent awhile in the music store where i also swooned... swooned very hard. He's so beautiful when he's playing... it's hard to describe but  when he 's playing for me or well playing when i'm with him i swear it feels infinite. I could listen to him play for hours even days and still feel the same without ever getting sick of it or him... Unless i get little to zero attention in that case i'll get pissy and show signs until he takes a second to give me little kisses or move a lil so i can lay my head on his lap while he goes back to playing... Same with video games actually although last week i had gotten pretty annoyed and kind of bored but eh i was happy anyway.
I'm really loving this seeing him every week thing!!! It's making me so happy and it's giving me the energy and want to get up everyday and keep fighting to get my shizz together.. Anywhore yes Anywhore... lol Back to the music shop for a second lemme tell ya I've never wanted 1,999 so badly in all of my life just so i could throw it away and get him that guitar...  I'd need to get him the amp too.. Which is really all he needs... Note to self add that to the list of things you want to buy him but probably never will. And actually it wouldn't be "thrown away" He'd use it everyday for a long long time and if we're both lucky enough he'd finally get a band which would lead to the life we both want someday... But let's face it at this point i'm definitely not Going to save the money and then run out and buy him all the fiiiings i assure you there's no need to worry.Although i much rather buy things for others than myself. I literally can hardly ever let myself buy things... let alone things for myself... I spent three dollars today and i thought i was gonna have a heart attack... well actually i spent like 20 something but that was for food which doesn't really count as much although i will say i hated even that.... i hate that i have  money now and am expected to pay for things like that on my own now D: growing up is depressing man... But it simply has to be done. One cannot simply live off of parents for the rest of their lives. Ok they can but not likely.... Life is good, there's not much to complain about shocking i know. because believe me i love complaining... Hahaha But yeah no complaining at least not nearly as much as i used to... and lemme tell ya this is defo a good thing for myself and my life. Glad to be showing signs of things getting better.

slowly learning to live again...

Or so i thought. But then it hit me that everything i want still isn't reac - uh i forgot what i was typing here... I started ranting on the phone to My red panda about stupid things i was pouting about.
Today was stressful and crazy but i was happy for the most of it. I'm stuck on a roller coaster too many ups and downs and twists and just ugh.
I get that the path won't ever be strait and narrow but can't i catch a little bit of a break before a curve hits again!?... I just want a solid day of happiness... Just one.. i mean more than a few would be nice but one to start at least... but nooooooo Life refuses to give me that. I'm sorry i have a good life and a good family when my boyfriend doesn't who's to say our lives won't be better when we're older... I'll be spoiled and happy someday just you wait and see... I'm sorry that you can't see him how i do, i'm sorry you can't understand him like i can., I'M SORRY you think he treats me soooo badly just because i let things slip one night out of pure rage and well I WAS PMSING you should have left me the eeefff alone like i asked. but you insisted on coming in and bugging me when for once i seriously just wanted to be alone... well that and i wanted Anthony to make things better which was silly of me to think because he was the one creating the problems. Well actually he wasn't the one creating the problems really the bitches were... as always THEY DON'T QUIT THEY'RE RELENTLESS I SWEAR. they just won't leave him and us be... good lawd just let us be happy K!? i'm sorry you fucked him over and he no longer wants you back.... he's mine now get to steppin. He actually fixes every problem with that, that i've ever had.... he stops it... but of course it never lasts very long... I'm over it... but i'm hoping it's over... I did however get out of the horrible leave me here to die funk i was in... So that's an improvement... I've been waking up, going to work, keeping my mind off of things blah blah, drove today... Freaked out the whole time but i still did it... wooo~!! I'm getting way to stressed out lately though.. i just need to realize that whatevers gonna happen is gonna happen and i can't change the facts. i want too but i can't. Maybe they'll never like him... Maybe something bad will happen when i'm working.. Maybe the beach trips and my summer will suck... The list goes on... And,
Now there's so many other things i'd add to this but i can no longer keep my eyes open so i shall end here save and publish the post close my laptop and let my dreams take over. Hoping the nightmares stay away tonight... I'd like some good dreams to make up for the stress and depression.... chyster Out.

Should i be concerned that literally almost everyone but me hates my boyfriend!? Like i'm sorry my bad for always ratting on him, My bad for only telling you things about him when i'm angry... But you don't understand him or his life like i do... Even i don't fully understand it yet but i sure as hell try.
It's not easy holding onto something when everyone around me thinks i'm just being young and stupid. And hey maybe i truly am just being well YOUNG AND STUPID. but who cares. I'm young nows when i'm allowed to be a little stupid.
I'm in love, my hearts going to do what ever the hell it pleases my guts and brains opinions no longer matter. HEY maybe he is the lying cheating asshole i said he was that one day when i was in hysterics because i went fetching for things and wasn't happy with what i had found... His ex's are either delusional and crazy. Or they're all right and he really is everything i fear. But i obviously am going to stick it out until the bitter end he's fully innocent until proven guilty with photos dated or if i see things with my own eyes... That's just how i am in life and in love... I'll stick it out sure things need to change and have been changing... we're getting better and i'm happy. I'M REALLY HAPPY. there's only one thing bringing me down and that's the fact that i barely see the only thing that's making me happy. I just want a crazy summer filled with fun stuff and long nights that i'll wish never end... i want this weekend beach party with my friends AND WITH MY BOYFRIEND. i can't help it.... i want him there so bad.... But i highly doubt my dad will ever be convinced I've been trying... for once I've actually been fighting and trying for it to happen Like i get it you'd rather me be with someone else who's better for me and blah blah blah... But i don't see it like that... sure he messes up  sometimes and says and does stupid things but he's amazing and i just wish you all could see that side of him too. and not just the sides i tell you about when i'm mad... or the sides he may show... Bleh
I miss my boyfriend more and more everyday. And our records of time spent away from each other keep getting beat with each passing day and month... It's ridiculous. I'm tired of it. I want to be a teenager i want to go out and feel alive. And i want to do all of this with him. And if that makes me crazy and stupid so be it.

Welcome to the vanity faire.

My mind hasn't really been the best place lately and quite frankly i'm getting to a point where i'm scaring myself. Because i honestly don't see life getting any better any time soon. I'm over it, all of it.

The only person who can pull me out of this is the same person that makes me fall deeper and deeper into the hole.. I know that's confusing but it makes sense to me and that's what matters. Can't live with em, can't live without em. No but really i can't live without him.... It's not easy to keep him around lately but i can't i just can't let him go... I want to believe him, and i want him in my life more than anything or anyone.... But it feels toxic. I can't help but compare him to my sisters past relationships which is god awful because comparing does nothing but make the situation worse but i can't help but over think it.

Oh to be young and in love, IT SUCKS. nough said. I don't regret keeping him in my life, But i do still fear that our life is just a lie. What if's are deadly. Over thinking kills. BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT STOP.  it won't go away.... i can't shut it out and i can't shut it off. and i just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i'm going to loose friends over this because they all see right through him... They don't see him how i do... and i fear that they're the ones that are right. I don't want them to be right. But literally all the signs point to it.

Yesterday sucked, I have never hit that point of depression to where i went from thinking about death and wanting to die... to actually contemplating and thinking about how to do it and why.... and that's scary as fuck lemme tell ya. I thought i had lost him, I thought he was a liar and a cheat and i had been just another one of his pawns in his stupid game of life. But of course once he finally called everything was explained a lil and everything was fine. Or was it......? After we hung up, after the laughing and the tears had stopped my mind went right back to over thinking... There's no way, None of these things seem to be adding up.... I feel like i really am just a stupid gullible girl who just can't let go of her first love. And eventually i will be just like my sister....I'll put up with his shit, i'll believe him blahblahblah and then i'll get hurt later on and it'll be even worse than if i were to leave now... i know saying all of this isn't helping at all.... all it's doing is putting out bad vibes to the universe.. I need to start looking at this in better ways.. I really do. I need to fix the way i look at myself and my life. But i also need to start changing the ways i look at him and my relationship because me always looking at it in a bad way is keeping us and me from ever being happy.... I can't take this stop and go happy un happy love hate Bullshit. It needs to end and it needs to end now. I just don't know how or what or 2ejfeklg3lekhflkweqjgfo3rhjlkgeqjrl;fweqlkjfl;rejlre;kjverlkhglkefl;kenhqslgkjwl;keqjFUCK.

I find it odd when i actually have things to write about is the times when i don't..?

Makes so much sense right!?

let's start this by stating that
MY TOOTH AND GUMS ARE FUCKING THROBBING...! And A my fear of dentists now and B my fear of how much it'll cost is keeping me from mentioning it to my mom... Again. Because i have mentioned it a few time but subtly because i don't want to push it... but JESUS i can't keep this up. It hurts to much.

And that's on top of everything else that's going on and or hurts right now.... God if it's not one thing it's another AND ANOTHER and yet another. My body hurts still from getting hit, My stomach's being a little bitch as always, and too top it all off PERIOD CRAMPS i can't take all this pain at once... Ugh sometimes being alive makes me want to die. I miss being emotionless and i miss being able to cope with life on my own. I'm too codependent on everyone now and it's killing me. I've never felt so alone.  I was finally doing well too... I was doing exactly what i had to do to get my shit together... and i just fudge. I'm so over bad things happening over and over again right when things are just starting to get good... But eh i guess that's just life. End rant.... for now at least. my minds too all over the place to be writing right now.