facing defeat, is bittersweet.

No longer living life on the edge of my seat. 

it's like gum is stuck to my feet. 

keeping me stuck, someone needs to save me or i'll get hit by a truck. 

Fuck, the cards i was dealt seems to be all bad luck. 

i'm out of rhymes. guess that means i'm also out of time. 

time for sleep where happiness is mine to keep. 

but for when i wake, it disappears Leaving me awake to face my fears. 

eyes start to fill with tears as i sit here grinding my gears. 

i can't see why i'm still writing. Or why i keep on fighting. 

i give up. 

oh, Hello there December. V.v

My heart hurts. I'm dreading this month when i shouldn't.
I wanted to love you until the end of time but i just couldn't.
or was it that i loved you but you wouldn't?
December 9th was when i first said hello, Inside i bellow.
screaming at the tops of my lungs as my face turns yellow.
now you're just another fellow. Not a lover, Not a friend.
my hopes and dreams with you were all pretend.
A fairy tale, Visions all made up in my head.
Leaving me here now alone filled with dread.
Do you even care what you did to me?
or was i nothing more than something for your parents to see?
our life and love might not have been fake, But it wasn't fate.
You weren't the one for me. And you left a little late.
Leaving your imprint on my heart, You were walking all over me from the start.
my life is now sour, Thoughts of you every hour, leaving me weak and with no control or power.

i was nothing but a meal for you something you could devour. A cannibalistic psycho one of which i can't let go. Voices of you begin to echo, Traces of us fill my room, Filling it with doom.

race cars in my stomach zoom.  You make me sick, you make me swoon.
I can't get over you. Oh what am i to do?

don't tell me you believe when i say i'm fine.
don't tell me you all can't see the signs.
i signed my name on that dotted line.
sold my soul for such little time,
didn't even cost him a dime,
i lost my heart,
right from the start,
he completely tore my life apart,
i was nothing but a little whore,
nothing more to you but another chore,
now i'm broken and you're not even sore,
i could've bought more love than you gave from a store,
this wasn't what i signed up for,
this wasn't what i wanted,
but then again isn't that how all deals go.
it was all apart of the show.
nothing but an act.
no time to think or react.
running out of time before he goes back to hell.
he'll do anything to settle to make it sell.
and in a millisecond i fell.
can't you see, can't you tell.
i'm long gone now. for he dragged me with him back down to hell.
and for what? i risked my ticket to heaven above all for a kiss lips.
i fell for his tricks. out there in the sticks. Nothing left of my soul.
he loved me and left and it all took it's toll.
no time for goodbyes, or for cries
 down to hell i go. that's the end of the show.
i made the deal. the kiss made it seal.
too bad it didn't last.
too bad i can't live in the past.
this is my final goodbye.
please don't pray or cry.

I've been spending far too much time locked inside my head,
Sitting here only filling myself with dread,
Sometimes i tell myself i'd be better off dead.
So i spend my time sleeping instead,
I know there's more to life than being alone,
But i lost all signs of myself in this place i called home,
lost all sight of breaking out of my shell.
i fear i'll be forever stuck here in my own personal hell.
and the funny thing is, None of you can even tell.

Abandonment issues.... Leading back to my aunt!? Or too Anthony? that is the question.

I've been dealing with a lot of fucked issues lately. One of the mains being feeling abandoned  by EVERYONE. And i can't figure out where these feelings come from. But people i get attached too ALWAYS LEAVE. Loose interest, Find someone else/ Better, Or just simply walk away as if i'm nothing.

Is this my fault or theirs? And is this why i long for new people to talk to all the time? Yet sit here alone wondering where and why i went wrong. Out of fear of getting too attached to quickly which i do... i stay closed up and alone. Instead of how bubbly and open and happy i used to be. I miss that person so much.


I used to relate to everyone, There were so many sides to me i could walk up to anyone and be a friend and someone to talk to. But not anymore. I'm too confused and too stuck inside my mind to even talk to people i know anymore. Unless i'm really close to them and they put up with me spacing out or making no damn sense half the time. But when i look back on my life and my friendships.... Mostly everyone leaves.

I'd like to think it's them and not me... But the more i think about it The sadder i get. Because it probably is me. I get boring really quick. Talking to me gets old. Even if i try far to hard to keep up the pace i'm a teenage who does nothing. I have nothing to talk about. So after a few weeks or days or months even. Bye Bye friends. They loose care and sight and start to treat me like i don't even exist. It's like i'm there for people so so much and then when i turn around they stop needing or wanting me. And leave. Let's not even talk about when i need someone to be there for me in return. Because honestly TWO PEOPLE have ever stuck with me... and even then one of them i was never close too until now. And she lives within walking distance from my house... How sad. But now luckily i'm so happy to say she's my sister my chosen non blood related sister. She's there for me. And is the best person a girl could ask to have in her life. When i'm with her and her family.... I actually feel like i belong or like i'm apart of a family. I don't get that even with blood relations.

I'm tired of craving people. And tired of putting my all into things that never ever last. Maybe it is my fault. And maybe i will always have this emptiness and longing for more relation but so be it i guess. It's too much for me anymore. I'm done changing and i'm done trying too damn hard to make people stay.  You wanna walk out? Walk the fuck out. But don't come crawling back when you're bored or need someone. I refuse I REFUSE.

You know those attachments you get to people when you talk to them Throughout the day everyday for a certain amount of time?... And how they always end. Life get's boring or busy and you loose than connection. You stop talking daily... You stop telling each other what happened throughout the day and how it was. I'm having issues with this. Not really sure what  "this" is.. But it's defiantly an issue. In my book anyway.
I think that's what i miss the most about my relationship. It got crappy and i got cliny as hell... But at the end of the day we still talked daily... well mostly. And everytime we'd talk it was good ole hearty conversation. Explaining our days in details... Probably because i made him or he felt obligated to. But now it seems if i'm to ask someone how their day was and what they did... they ignore it. Or reply crapily. Saying it was good or ok.... with no explination about it. End of conversation end of texts bam done over. I can only deal with so many hey... hey... what's up... nothing.... Conversation. I'm left craving more... wanting more... and i don't know if it's because i have no life and just kind of lye here. Or because i miss the connection i had with anthony? Not him lately... just the connection... waking up to someone falling asleep to someone... blah blah the routine and familiarity. I've been doing pretty well life wise lately... And mood wise lately.... But what goes up must come down.... and well I'm down again. Not way way down like before... But down.

Like halloween started off ok... and then just got worse and worse... and then today is bad all together. Reasons still pretty much un known though. I was happy and sane throughout  my day/ night yesterday because i was talking to someone. And today being alone again well makes me bad again i guess? And it's not just because i rely on other people for happiness but because i enjoy having that person to talk to. That person to be there for me when things are bad. Or good even. Not ALL DAY EVERY DAY talking but ya know throught the day here and there hey hi hello is nice.... Bleh. I guess i'm just hella lonely and don't want to feel like this anymore. It doesn't help at all that the person i'm crushin on is over two hours away.... and is popular as hell. Very wanted by people ALL OVER. it makes me jealous. i'm a green ass jealous monster which only add fuel to the fire of my depths of hell. It's not that he's out of my league or doesn't like me back or talk to me.... it's that i know he has fans and a following... and many many girls just like me... But better. And after being cheated on.... even if he's not mine.... and i have no control over him what he does or who he talks too.... I want to ask him to watch what he says to people because i'm a creep. A possessive obsessive creep. which is bad.... really bad.... And i've only gotten worse with it lately... But that's another thing for another day or whatever. Not important. What's important is that i'm attached to this dude when i can't and shouldn't be. I can't ask him to talk to me all the time. And to only put attention and happiness and cuteness all into me....    it's not fair or right. Like at all, But the problem here is him being popular makes me want his attention more.... and more often.... Because of course i now feel like whenever we're not talking he's saying the same shit to other girls or spending time talking to other people... Horrible i know. I'd like to say this is what being cheated on does to people... But that would just be putting the blame on someone and somewhere else but me. And the problem here isn't him, or Anthony or my friends who hardly talk to me... It's me. I am the problem. As is my life. My life is becoming a problem. I'm enjoying waking up and being active ish during the day now.... But i do nothing. I sit around and do nothing. Which is not living. it's loathing. And wallowing. In self hate and pity... and in other realities like movies and being online far to much... Same shit different month. Hello November. Please don't suck. October was alright. But didn't live up to my standers of October. LIKE AT ALL. But then again i bet you neither will the rest of the year. 18 is vastly approaching and i'll never be ready for it. I hate change but i'm so sick of this hell. I want out. But i no longer have the lights or the hands to guide and help me out. Blah blah sure be you're own hero... blah blah.... yeah tell that to the un broken Cheyenne. The princess who used to the hero of her own damn story. Because believe me. She says that to herself all the time and nada. She needs the push and the help.

You don't text me because you don't want to get attached. Yet the second we do start to text you go right into things THAT GET ME ATTACHED. Maybe cuddles and kisses do little for you. But for me they do a lot. A LOTTA LOT. As does the  flirting. And i can't stand it. This back and fortieth kills me.

Don't make me fall if you have no intentions of catching me.  I get it i'm good at making you happy. I'm good at making your life better.... But once i need you in return or have bad moments you disappear or don't reply. Making me worse.... Much worse. I give in and text you normally repeating the fucking cycle. And all you seem to do is make it worse. Yet i can't keep away. Why? Because you seem to make me feel better and give me hope in this crap life. You help me see that life goes on and that there's other people out there willing to like and or love me... You always feel the need to leave me hanging. I don't need repeats of the feelings anthony left.... Yet maybe that's what i cling to? it's all i know and all i'm used too... So many i cling and am attached because you're familiar  in a way.. I guess. Forver broken and stuck in a never ending cycle of waiting. And false hope. And kindness mistaken for flirting. Blah Blah Blah... The list goes on. But hey..... I'm working on figuring shit out and maybe just maybe one day the cycle will be broken. And i can be fully happy and live the fairy tale once again.

I AM STARVING.

and i'm scourging around for any bits of food in the house that i can find that has any taste i can at least TRY to enjoy. I'm going mad.  It's bringing me back to diets and to starvation and to hating myself but more than hating myself hating my PARENTS. For making me diet in the first place. I'm tired of this feeling and i'm really pissy it's back. I LIKE FOOD. i enjoy food. FOOD MAKES ME HAPPY. and right now i'm fucking far from it. I'm in a crap place and excuse me for at least wanting to enjoy what food i force into my mouth. I still have days where i don't eat. or where i eat very little. BUT it's on MY terms. and it's because I WANT TO. not because "i'm forced too" And honestly lately i'm being forced to be hungry and being forced to starve.

If my dad took me to the store it'd be far worse. He'd purposely buy food i'd never eat and then yell at me for complaining  of hunger. I understand my mom isn't feeling well. BUT I STILL NEED TO FUCKING EAT. I'm tired of feeling like i'm eating scraps and dieting again. I wouldn't be awake right now if i could be sleeping i would. Not just to escape the hunger, but to escape my life. I hate it.

I hate everything lately. And it's mostly my fault. I'm here because of me. And only i can change it blah blah stay positive blahblah... Whatever. I'm over it. And i'm over everything. I'm done. I'm done being me. And i'm done being alive. Fuck it i'll starve. I'm already dead inside anyway so why not just sit here wishing i had a bigmac and fries to make me happy. Because let's face it that'd be amazing for about two seconds. Until the guilt for enjoying it and for eating it kicks in and i feel like throwing up. It'll last for days. I'll hate myself for eating that. but damn it's always worth it. I'm so used to hating myself. Hating myself for eating. Hating myself for not trying hard enough when i was dieting. Hating myself for falling in love. hating myself for believing. The list goes on and on and on. And it always will.

I just wanna pig out and then hate myself for it. Or not. Maybe this time i won't hate. But still FUCKING FEED ME DAMN IT. I'm done eating tasteless bullshit i find around the house. it's all old and gross and un enjoyable. If i'm gonna hate myself for eating. I might as well eat stuff that tastes amazing or at least good. This is annoying. I can't get out of this hell. Believe me i've tried. Things keep bringing me back down.

Forever torn between sleeping forever And never sleeping again.

When depressed sleeping and or good dreams are a big part of life. They're something to keep you going, Something to keep you happy. But lately it's just a bunch of crap. I wake up exhausted and un happy. My dreams lately were finally becoming happy again. Which in return was making me well pretty damn happy. And then they turned tragic with weird plot twist endings. Such as finally finding my first starFish on the beach with friends and family only too soon see my dog die tragically by what seemed to be a shark? Or something. Why was my dog even with us at the beach? Where did he even come from!? Where'd the food truck go? i never got my order. The sun went away and the skies turned grey. Then BAM wake up flustered and filled with anxiety for no reason really.  
But i guess thoughts of loosing something else at this point in my life is just scary as hell. I've lost enough lately i can't bare anything else damn it. Not even if my dogs annoying or loves my dad more than me.... Still can't loose him or face anymore changes in my life.

Another dream i had was i finally heard from Anthony again.... Only to be teased and told he was only here for a moment for he had to leave again suddenly. Which my luck will probably happen eventually months from now >.< Because let's face it, i'm totally going to let him walk right back into my life wether it's what should happen or not. I can't help but still want him in my life. He made a great impact and he needs to come back and fill my voids so i can be whole again. Or at least help me try to fix myself. Anyway that's totally off point and i should've written this yesterday/ sooner so i could remember the dreams and write them out... But of course now all i can remember is waking up with my heart racing and with horrible anxiety. I usually rolled over and went back to sleep just for it to happen over and over and over again until i finally pull myself awake and out of bed. But today i couldn't fall back asleep. And welp here i am writing fully awake at 7 Am. Ugh yuck!....

On another note my phone is having problems and i'm extremely frustrated and freaking out. Because afterall freaking out is what i do best lately. Anyway it's refusing to charge. Or upload photos and is also running out of storage space. I've deleted so much already that it pains me to even think about deleting anything else if problems consist. For once though i've spoken up to my parents about this and told them i needed it to be looked at and fixed and they seem to be applying. Or at least somewhat willing to help me get it fixed. Afterall it's not my fault or something i did. It's a interface import problem which is apparently common in samsung S3's.  I LOVE MY PHONE. ok. and I'm addicted to it and rely on it.... I can't deal. I need it lately more so than ever. Texting people is what's keeping me happyish and as sane as can be lately. And i'm awaiting a text i probably won't get from a guy i'm crushing on haha. Or my luck i'll be called for once and won't be able to answer >.< Ugh i'm just so over everything. Honestly falling asleep and never waking up sounds better and better every minute. Too bad that would make me dead. And would hurt so many people in return for my selfishness. I'd be dead by now if i wasn't so caring for others. They're what keeps me alive and they don't even know it. Or try.

Demons of ,falseness and fear.

you held me in the smoke as the fire started to burn around us. 

As I was being consumed by the Treacherousness,  you stood up, standing tall and proud over me, watching me gasp for air. Staring at what you've done. laughing as you watch everything we loved burn. I to wiggle my fingers as a way of reaching out to you. Hardly able to move them or even speak.  You picked me back up and waited, waited for me to die in your grasp I saw the fury  in your glowing fiery red demon eyes. flashes, of our life showing in the mists of the darkness.  the persuasion and  manipulation we  saw it all. For you it fueled the spark in left in your heart. For me it caught everything I had left on fire. Left here dying, watching it all burn.  

You couldn't have  saved me, for you were stuck in the hell as well. But you had the means to call for help. To scream, to cry out to rant and yelp. But you didn't. You wanted us to die all along. It was always apart of the plan. I should've saw the warning signs along the way and turned and ran. But i didn't i clung to you. Like gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe. Nothing more nothing less. a shot here, a stab there, digging the whole deeper into my chest. 
We fell, and got stuck in our own personal hells. lies, and words buzzing in my ears ringing like bells. trying to set me free, trying to help me be. i was bewitched, and bound by your spells. For this love of mine, i thought we were the same. In all it was just a big puzzle, nothing but a dumb game. After all was said and done.  You had remained. You made it out alive. And i wasn't able to survive. I was burnt to ash and dust. Left deep under ground to rot and rust.  Left in the cold and dark, with nothing left but the original spark that started the flames. You ripped it from me, right out of my heart, to give to what's her name? That was the plan all along right? what you wanted from the start? Her love for you was what tore us apart. And now here i am stuck in the ground. No heartbeat, No breath, No spark.  Can't even make a sound. For there's nothing left. Nothing but rotting flesh and decaying bones. Guess this is what it feels like truly being alone? Nobodies here, nobodies home. Nobody even see's what you did. They don't even know i'm gone. Guess it's because in the end I've already been dead for far too long. I hope you remember me when you hear our songs, and i hope you realize everything that you did wrong. For all the love in your heart is dead, and long gone. But my dear, that's just the thing. It always has been this way, you just never knew that i would have stayed. I gave you pieces of my heart, and you took them for granted. Are you Blessed or cursed? this part was never read, nor rehearsed. For the ending to this story is forever unknown and you left forever enchanted. all because you took the wrong girls heart for granted.  

I really should stop running to everyone expecting people to give me answers. Or thinking talking about my situation will ever make it easier or help me to move on. It's honestly just holding me back, and pushing good people in my life away because it's all i can talk about. He's all i can talk about. But i can't help it. He's in my head and in my heart and i can't help but feel like i'm better off dead. after all it's how I've felt from the start. I was fine for awhile. But then suddenly all the feelings and false hope came crawling back into my brain. Causing me to loose what's left of my brain. Letting loose probably does nothing but make people think i'm insane. or obsessed. and it's true, i am. i can't get past this. I was trapped and stuck before and now i'm fucked. Only i can save myself. But i don't know how. He pieced me back together before i really ever fell apart and now i'm here. on my own, left alone to try and pick up the pieces. he smashed everything i had been working on and have done with my life over the past year. and i'm so full of fear. I dunno what to do. i can't keep living like this. but i don't want help. Help got me here in the first place. I just want support. And i know, i know i have it. but part of me just doesn't feel like it. because it's not his support. Why am i still so stuck on him? it's not like he ever really supported me in the first place. Guess in the end he got what he wanted and escaped this hellish place to win the race. And now he's gone, probably not forever. when he comes back he'll just shove it all in my face. Ruin everything again, and leave me alone once more, bruised and over sore. lost alone, and at war. 

Out with the old, in with the new?

Moving on is something i've never seen myself capable of doing. But it's something that must be done. It's a part of life. People come and go, people suck, people hurt, blah blah boohoohoo. I've gotta pick up the damn pieces and get over it. I can't spend everyday thinking, Over thinking about things that only hold me back and weigh me down. Sure it's going to take time and it's going to be hard. But that's how everything is. I'm constantly fighting myself on what to do. I want you so badly still, Even after being hurt, Even after knowing i'll never get you... How does one move on and forget someone who meant so much? even if there's pain and hurt involved....

Time doesn't stop for anyone, and i'm dumb to sit here thinking i can wait months and months for your return expecting everything to be fine again. Because IT WON'T BE. i'm not what he wants, and i hardly ever was what he wanted. So why sit here wanting to change the facts when i know i can't. It all feels like a dream, that went horribly wrong and turned into a nightmare. Honestly  i'll never understand how a guy like you feel into my lap. Nor will i understand how it all fell apart. I knew, I knew what i was getting myself into when i signed up for falling in love. But what i didn't know was how much of you would still be hidden away. I worked so hard getting you to open up to me. And in the end it all came crashing down on me. So much it slowly in the process of making you smile, I lost mine. I lost everything even myself. I was but a lost girl when you found me.... but oh how i've worsened. I only wish i could blame it all on you. But in reality it's all me right? Cause that's how i see it, How i'll always see it.

Not good enough, Not the one you wanted, Just the girl you couldn't let go of.... You can't have us both, it's a cold hard shame that you lasted so long keeping us both tied around your finger. Even when i knew, i didn't want to. I was way happier being blind. You were the light in my dark and now i can't even see my hand waving in front of my face. I run to anyone willing to give me attention and what do i get? nothing. I get nothing. Guys don't want me, not even as friends. I'm too, too i don't know. I just want to feel loved again. This whole being alone things sucks. But what sucks the most is not being able to remember how the hell i lived before i had met you. Before i had lost myself in you. Who am I isn't the question, It's who was I? And who has she become.... I handed you a knife and my heart and now the dream is over. How could i be so blind? i guess i fell in love to quickly. but i'm fiiiiiiiiine..... Yeah i went there Alesana lyrics are still fitting for us. That's our god damn band and always will be. Someday, i'll rip your damn shirt off her body and give it back to you. Fuck that shit. It kills me that you'd even let her have it. Did it really mean that little to you? I rather your parents throw it out than her fuckin have it. I gave it to YOU. if i can't have it, and you can't have it ANYONE anyone else should have it. And let's not even go into her running around using your last time. Ha fucking ha. I'm done ranting. i could go into so much more but i'm going to regret this enough already. So let's not and say we did. Calling it a day. Or well night.

I'm getting so annoyed with myself. I don't like where i am, or the person i'm becoming and i don't know how to fix it. I'm too broken and i no longer feel or seem fixable. I'm in a dark place with no end in site. Not even an oncoming train about to crash into me. Nothing i see nothing but darkness, With sudden flashes every now and then. Filling the complete emptiness and darkness for only awhile. I'm running to guys to fix me, and i know damn well they won't / can't. But they help so much...? Even in friendship we're flirty and they give me hope.... Even if it's false hope or if they're leading me on... it helps to know in some way i'm wanted and can start anew on this journey alone. Being alone isn't so bad is it? But being an annoying attention whore won't get me where i want to be. Nor will the happiness i get from it last.I run out of things to say, and then get frustrated when they stop replying....
 Or they get busy and no longer have time for me. I rely on people far to much. I feed off of them and there energy and i just need it. I need someone. I want someone. Someone to be cliche and stupid with. Someone who makes the darkness and sadness go away... Someone i'll fall head over heels for  even though i doubt they'll do so in return. see that's my problem. i get attached, and swoon and eventually start to like the person, and or want to talk to them 24.7 and i can't be like that. I'm not ready for a relationship again hell i don't even think i can handle a flirtationship but fuck i want one. Just for the hell of it to make things better for awhile, but i know in the long run..... it'll just make me worse. And i honestly fear myself already, i don't even want to think about how i'd be if i got worse. I know reality doesn't work the way i want it too.... I miss being called baby. and having someone to wake up to, or having a reason to ever wake up again. I miss being held. and being told everything was going to be okay. even if it was all lies and wasn't to be okay.. it helped. For someone who hates not knowing, i was far happier and better off never seeing or hearing the truth. I miss it, and him so much but i know i know fuck how i know that i shouldn't. 

 But i'm not strong anymore, i've become a distressed damsel who actually needs someone to swoop in and save her. Maybe i just need more friends, or a friend. to rely on, and to help.... Or maybe i need more god, or a fucking therapist. But all i know is that i want someone to save me. Because at this point i don't see myself being saved. Ever.  Not on my own, i'm far to weak and in pieces. i can't pick up the pieces. for he stole them. and i can't get them back. i have to grow, and start a new. until i'm fixed. Nobody's going to be the one who saves me. But it's what i'd like. I just want attention, and love. And to be held forever. But life doesn't work like that. Luckily part of me know's life doesn't work like that. tis why i'm out of hope. and will probably be stuck here for a long while. I just want someone new, someone to give me reason. Someone to make me smile, and do their very best to keep me smiling. i just hate being alone, i got the taste of love and happiness and peaked into the future. and i need it back. Even with someone new or own my own even i need it all back. I miss who i was, and how i was before and i don't see it ever coming back. 

NO facebook i did not go to Deland high. Thanks for reminding me on my crushed childhood dreams though. Oh and honestly though, after the past few months it's probably a damn good thing i'm far from Deland. and am home schooled. I'd be attacked probably online and psychically by my uh "exs" rein of bitches. Crazy bitches.
All hail king anthony, thou shall love him forever even though we're broken up, and thou shall remember he does no wrong and it's all the girls faults. HA yeah right. You were the puppet master. You did nothing but control me, and then turn around to play the victim. Oh my family, Oh my mind, Oh but i love her. Bullfuckinshit. That's all nothing but an excuse and a way out. How you treated me was wrong and you're apologies do nothing anymore. I saw past your flaws because i love(d) you....
 But that no longer vogues for the crap you put me through and for all the mixed signals you've sent. I'm tired of playing ring around the Rosie. The game is over, and you have won. I fell down, We all fell down.

I’m Happy, really I am…. but deep down inside my bones there’s still emptiness and sorrow.
And I’m crying my eyes out. Tonight has been amazing…. (Past tense... Tonight actually sucks ballz, i think i'm dying. don't be mistake for "dyeing" which happened last night before this was written) why am I still so dissatisfied with life? It’s not my fault he didn't choose me, nor is it my fault he wants me in his life still… it’s all beyond my control. I can’t make him love me, I can’t make him see. That I’m the one who’s meant to be. The only thing I can do now is suck it up and watch him be happy with someone else. Or block and push him away in the deepest darkest corners of my mind where he’ll be forced to stay. Forever nothing more to me than faded memories. another life, another dream i'll never see again. when will my life start over? when does the happiness   begin? I can't take this, i can't live with no bliss.... because of you i am like this. because of you, i have to start anew. which seems nearly impossible with my heart this black&blue. 

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)....

I have it, And i know i do... But i hadn't noticed i was mentioning it to people... Until my mom snapped at me about it today. In return my dad then joked about it later on. Ha fudge. I'm not saying it's bad, or unmanageable. Hence why i don't care to get it fully diagnosed. That comes with medication and doctors. Both of which i fear and highly dislike.

It's not always psychical and it's not always noticeable.  If i hadn't of said anything no one would ever know all that much about it. It's a disorder caused by anxiety which is very clear that i also have. Leaving the house or even my room is hard for me most day's and hardly anyone will understand it or me. Hell even i don't fully understand myself, my problems or my so called mental issues.
 They don't define me. However they do make my life more difficult. Obsessions are involuntary, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again in your mind. You don’t want to have these ideas but you can’t stop them. Unfortunately, these obsessive thoughts are often disturbing and distracting.

Compulsions are behaviors or rituals that you feel driven to act out again and again. Usually, compulsions are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away.For example, I hate spending my money, If i give in and by something i think about it for days. I'll sit there in the store, thinking of reasons i want or need said thing... But then i think of what other things i'll need the money for in the future. Most silly dumb things, but it usually stops me. And if it doesn't i hate myself for a long while. I bought myself a CD bundle for one of my favorite bands... And even after it had arrived i had regretted it. Because i knew another band would come along with a better cheaper bundle that i'd want and enjoy more. This ended up happening exactly. But i bought the second bands bundle as well. This time with less hesitation surprisingly. Although it still pained me to let myself have what i wanted and very well could afford.... I still even now sit here thinking how dumb it was. I have over $600 saved and left. i shouldn't care about what I've spent on something i'll enjoy.

It's mental for me mostly as stated, but i also have certain other aspects of this that i don't care to get into or explain right now. But might do so in the future. When i say i have OCD i don't mean i want you to understand or pitty me. I'm just trying to work on it myself by getting more into it and other problems i have. it's an obsession because it keeps me from focusing on the simplest of things. Sometimes i can't even type or speak because i'm too far gone in my head. Now this used to come from something i shall not explain because it's gone and i'm a lot better. so there's honestly no need to do so... But my ocd was over a person as well. Because i'd do nothing but think of them. or want to talk to them. Now that they're out of my life, Or so it seems. I'm hoping i'll get that part of my problem to go away. So i can be brought out of my head and back into reality.

I could have made this far more educational. I could have said more about myself as well. But for now, i'm tired and happy with what I've said. That and i highly doubt anyone will ever read this anyway so what's the point of going on, Or trying to make myself sound intelligent? When no ones around to notice? Ha and they say i'm not smart..... I can be, when i choose to be. Lately I'm a depressed and lonely as fuck teenager that wants nothing more than her life back. Seeing how that's not an option, At least not an easy one. I choose to sleep all day, and stay up all night. If i'm lonely and alone, Might as well blame it on everyone else being asleep.

Giving The big GOD another shot. Not because i've become closer friends with a christian and her family. But because i need to have faith in something. In something besides Anthony, Besides life and myself. And well why not give this another shot. I mean sure i'll still enjoy my music, and my way of living. But it wouldn't hurt to have a little faith. Even if it may be in something that may or may not exist. It's worth looking into once more.

I used to feel so much better going to church once a week, Not only because i was around teenagers and felt welcomed. But because i was able to get something out of each lesson each week. Weather i took it the way i was supposed to or not it helped. I had more faith that everything was happening for a reason. And that my relationship wasn't as important as i made it. And honestly i miss that. I liked that side of me and i'd like to see her again. Who knows maybe i'll even become a total bible thumper but i'm not going to care. I am who i am and i always will be. I can be a hard core cussing covered in tattoos concert going christian. Yes they do exist. And no they aren't wrong. They may get judged differently by not only god but christians but we'll get to that when it happens. I'm already judged for how i look and what i listen to so why the fuck not.
I'm not going to walk around like i'm perfect or better than you. And i'm not going to shove it down your throat. Because that's not me. Sure you're supposed to be like that in a sense.... But i refuse. and if i do it wrong i don't care oh well. Can't hurt for trying. Can't hurt to add a little of it into my life. I'm sure once i get deeper into it. If i decide to. i'll change my views and whatever. But for now hear me out. I'm just a girl looking to survive the hell she's in. and if talking to myself or talking to god helps. So be it.

Also i've always had thoughts of this in the back of my head. it's not some random realization i've made. or something that's going to last.(knowing me it won't sadly) But again i'm only trying. Just trying to get by. If this helps it helps.  I may stick too it. If it doesn't Least I can say I tried.  Goodnight.

I want to fall asleep and wake up when things are better.
 Better yet, i want to fall asleep and never wake up. My life has become so fucking pathetic. I can't even get strangers who live far away to talk to me and be my friend. I don't even want a boyfriend right now i just want my misfits back. Or a new group of misfits one of which we can all go do things and then come home to a big cuddle movie session and a sleepless night full of giggles. Is all of this really too much to ask for? It seems like no matter how much i try to put myself out there and talk to people it just backfires. Or i get attached to people who could care less about me. I have a really good friend now. One that's always been there, one of which i adore for listening to me talk about the same things and puts up with my shit. But i kind of wish i could see her more. Or could get out of the damn house more. But that seems nearly impossible when i can't make myself drive. It's not that i don't want to it's that i'm scared to. And everytime i push myself to do it anyway i just get worse. The fear just gets worse.
 I've slept god knows how long today, And it's all i ever do anymore because my dreams are either amazing so i want more, Or non existent so i want more. I chase them I know i can't stay like this forever and it scares me. Because i've been here for so long. And i just keep falling. Puling myself out doesn't seem like an option anymore. And honestly i feel like there's no point in even trying. There is no way in hell my life is going to come out how i want it to. I'm not going to turn 18 and move in with prince charming and go on dates and hang out with friends and work and go to school and concerts and all these things aren't going to fucking happen.

 Why you may ask? Because my prince charming isn't charming or even a prince at all. He's a first love whom i can't shake, give up on, or get over. I still want so much with him. And i know it's possible if we try hard enough but is it even worth it? Why should i let myself pathetically get worse for 6-9 months until he comes back to save me? LIFE ISN'T LIKE THAT. he can't be my knight and save my ass from the tower. No i've got to swing out and jump down on my own. But what if he's not even at the bottom? What if it was all a trick and i wait and jump for nothing!? WHAT IF HE CAN'T CATCH ME!? and i just fall on my bottom and die? I've started normal journal-ling and i'm hoping it will help me figure out what i want and to get through this. I mean this blog does wonders but this book of things is far different from this. Sure this blog is totally all about the same things and or person ..... As is the book.  But the book will hopefully one day be seen by said person so that factor make it help? I guess kind of. And it's kind of sweet and romantic in a way if i do say so myself. I'm hoping i can get it to him even if i move on. or decide i'm better off without him.... he needs to read it anyway.

Just so i can know it was read. I always hopped he's see or find this blog someday. and see and read and know all the things i've always felt so hardly. But i feel like it would probably freak him out or push him away. Because it's kind of all over the place and possessive. And i wouldn't want him taking the bad things the wrong way. Or thinking i'm fucking crazy. Which he probably already thinks because it's true. I'm nuts. All my life is... is him. He's taken over my brain and my heart and i've become some crazy emotional robot. One of which he has the controller too.  I can't go a day or even a few hours without him crossing my mind. and it's gotten to the point where it's not cute or a good thing. It's a you're fucking stupid and insane you need to be put on drugs and locked up kind of thing. In my opinion anyway. But maybe i'm feeling this way because it's my first love? And i don't know how to think or feel. I've never been one for normality anyway soooooo.....
It would makes sense that i'd put up with so much for so long. It kills me to think i'll be without him. But it also kills me to think i'll be with him forever... with no changes at all but age looks and well some things.. But treatment and behavioral wise... What if he never changes? and what if i never become happy or alive or feel good about myself again?.... I can't see my world without him. Which i need to learn to do and fastly because he's about to be gone for months. And he say's he'll call but it's a long shot. I haven't seen him in two months.... add another 6 to that or 9 to that and well god i'll be dead by then. All of my energy and love comes from him and i just sqlkhfwqkelhfwkldhfkwlhwlqkhvlwdqhlkwqdh
 I need to at least see him and say goodbye before he leaves but that's not gonna happen. it's very very un likely. I doubt he'll even call again before he leaves. So i won't even get to hear or feel him again for god knows how long. And that scares me beyond belief. I'm so torn and confused and hurt. and it seems like that's all i ever am. It's all i've been for a long time. I'm always sitting here over thinking every little thing or memory or thing said.... and it kills what's left of the good in me. It's not him that sucks out the happy or the good... It's me... It's all me. What he gives or can give is never enough and i feel like even if i find someone else i'll be the same way if not worse. and i'll loose sight and control over myself.
As if i haven't already.
Good god cheyenne get a hold of yourself. If you sound crazy to yourself what the hell are other people going to think if they ever see this? Which i hope they don't honestly not this one. It's too much. If seen by the wrong person or people i'd loose even more control over my life than i already have. I'd probably been torn away from the only thing in life i know, and love. and i'd fersure be thrown back in school or a loony bin. Both places in which i probably belong. But god this is my life and i need to get ahold of it and myself once again. If only It were that easy. Much much easier said than done. When i can't do a damn thing without loosing focus. the only places i can zone into are tumblr and like dumb websites i don't need. they're useless but i guess if they help.... I'm just looking to be saved. But i don't want to be. Yeah cause that makes sense.

How I yearn for his warm embrace
Tears fall down my face
Can you see in my eyes
How much I hate our goodbyes
I think about you all the time
I know in the end we will be just fine.
Touch me..Love me..be with me
the way we are suppose to be
I've always wanted to be with you
and do the things that lovers do
Tell me you want to be with me
and that we were meant to be
Precious pain go away
Please don't come back another day
Dreaming of you
is all I do
This fire I feel...sparks...heat ...exotic...burning inside
My feelings for you I cannot hide
wishing..hoping....yearning..wanting..needing you near
Oh god can you tell how much I want you dear
I can't pretend anymore.
the pain i feel is far too real, but your heart is mine i must resteal.
i need you in my life, you give me drive, and the want to strive. 
It's you...whom I adore
It's you whom I've been longing for
I just want to give you my love..my heart
everything i've felt from the start.
it's all still there begging to come out.
but instead i sit here and pout.
i cry all the time yet my life is in a drout.
filled with so much doubt.
i trusted you again
was it a mistake or a blessing?
are we to begin again? or is all of this just a bunch of pretend?
when will we ever see the end. The light in the dark, the little happiness spark. 
 I never want us to be apart
In the moonlight I wish on the stars that you were here 
instead of being there.
filled with so much fear, and hate about you calling someone else dear.
when in my mind our change was near. stuck blinded in headlights like a deer.
do i jump out of the way? Or do i stay? To get hit. i understand i can't keep  throwing fits. but theres just so much to say so much to admit. 
One day I will feel your warm embrace again. 
instead of the  tears that fall down from my face.
we will get out of this place. 
we will win the race. Against our souls. Never stopping to pay the tolls. Were run aways ones just looking for a place to stay. a place to be safe and call home, a place all of our own. A place where our demons are free to roam, Freedom from them at last, no more repeating or being stuck in the past. 

I gave up on him.
I let my mind and gut win. It's for the best really.
Now maybe i can learn to begin again.
Either that or i can get worse.
Because afterall i'm cursed.
there's not let's be friends
and no more chances.
I fear this is the end.
One last goodbye one that lasts. One forever held over my head reminding me of the past.
I should've let him go the first time i tried. A part of me has died. I'm not ready to be on my own. But it's needed and my strength will be known. One day i'll look back and be shown. I'll see where things went wrong. And i'll realize it was him all along. He was the liar and the cheat. Which ended with my heart incomplete. and my life in defeat. It takes that first step. to figure out myself in better depth. I'll be ok. just not today. And probably not tomorrow. For i am still so filled with sorrow. Longing for a love i had already lost. Holding onto things that i'd never live to see. For this never was just you and me. We never were meant to be. You weren't a mistake, you were a lesson. One i wish i'd have caught onto sooner. For i'd have saved myself so much pain. For had i stopped myself from loving you before i went insane. This was nothing but a game. A cold hard fucked up game. It pains me to think of all the shame. Hahaha this got hella lame. The end.

Cheating is a choice, Not a mistake.
Forgiving is a chance, One i'm willing to make.
My heart is yours again to take.
please don't break it again for heavens sake.

I'm The Rehab, You're The Drugs( 9/1/13)

Well, after a week of hopelessly hoping i finally got contacted from you. Tears filled my eyes as i read your name pop up on my phone. I had sat in the dark all week waiting, Alone. As i go to reply, i sigh. I can't figure out what to say, and i don't know why. After all i've waited and waited for your text or call. when all the love i have for you is hidden away. Where for awhile it shall stay. What you said wasn't at all what i wanted to hear, but luckily it wasn't the things i feared. You still hold my heart, Dear.

I can't get it back, my soul now darker than ever seeing nothing but black. I need to start cutting you more slack. I know i deserve more and better, and that the storm we're stuck in will pass as it's only bad weather.
But i can't help but want more, and not just things bought from a store. I want your heart back, i want myself and my name in your core. In your bones, enough to make you feel sore. Even more, than already. I know you hurt, but i hurt too. How long is the pain here to stay, how much do we have to go through before it goes away. When there's nothing left to say, and the demons in my head are no longer at bay. i'm cast out to sea, and my demons they can follow me. Follow us, it's all left up to faith and trust.
 Non of which i have anymore. god this has become such a bore. Writing over and over again about the same whore. How much do i have to try, how many tears are left to cry, before it's over and done.
Before the darkness becomes the sun. before night becomes day. Before all of it goes away. and for when the happiness comes back and is here to stay.. I just hope we're not stuck this way. and that in the end we'll both be okay.

Hopelessly hoping, barely getting by barely coping. i give and i give and i give. roping. Grab hold, and let's grow old. together. we'll get through it, we shall not fear the weather. for i know it will get better.

Would you care if we quit talking
Would you care if I went walking
I need to know how you feel
So I know how to deal
I like it when your by my side
I hate it when you try to hide
All the cheating and the lies
Brings me one step closer to saying goodbye
I know the cheating is a fact
because I've caught you in the act
I wish I had more trust in you
but it's kinda hard when I busted you
Seems to me you wouldn't care
even if I wasn't there
I always wonder who your with
hoping it's not another chick
I'm not saying I don't believe you
it's just too many people have told me to leave you
But you are everything to me
which is why I want you me to always be
Don't you see? love isn't three, or five or ten. it's two
this everyone knows is true.
Why would you hurt me so
making me feel lower than low.
we both know i should pack up and go
But i can't i'll cut you the slack
and stay, but keep my distance
believe in the resistance
hope and pray that you'll stay
too, and won't someday leave
and that you'll start to wear your heart on your sleeve.
is everything you say now make believe?
am i here because you don't want to be alone.
is there more to be shown.
more unsaid hidden parts to the story
unread pages, should i close the book
or flip through and take another look?
you still have my heart, in which you took.
Believing you may be a mistake
but it's a risk I'm willing to take, 
a mistake i'm willing to make.
if i end up worse, i'll know our love was a curse
probably leading in one of us in a hearse.
we're toxic baby don't you see. But i want nothing more than this to be.
forever, however long that proves to be.
forever you and me.
only time will tell, all the fights, as we scream and yell.
bloody hell. This love has us both locked in a cell.
screaming for a chance, one last go, one last dance.
be my prince? Prove to me that it's worth it. Prove to me you can be trusted, and loved.
we'll see what happens in the end, i hope and pray that this fairy tale turned nightmare isn't all pretend. 

Panda's and penguins are both black and white,  They both start with P.
Doesn't mean that's enough to say they're "meant to be"
 One belongs in the icy sea, And one belongs being lazy in a tree.

Torn between love and hate, Is this what you'd call fate!?
I fear when he tries again, It will be a little too late. I need To begin to start again, there will always be other men. BUT WAIT. My hearts still locked up in a crate. I have to break out, inside i scream and shout. I know they're right, he doesn't even put up a fight. Why am i still thinking so late at night? It leads to nothing but pain, and sorrow. Leaving me to sleep the day away tomorrow.

Am i ever to trust again, or should i drop it now and leave him with his sin. He was wrong, and i was right. but is trying again even worth the fight. Will our love ever be able to take flight? After breaking me so badly, oh so sadly. It's tragic, and he needs magic. To pick up the pieces, and to make me whole. To fix what he broke, and to reap what he sows. Oh god i hope my pain shows. He needs to know, How hurt i am, and how he's to blame. So he never puts my name to shame. For sticking by him until the end. I'm on the mend, but all of what i've done so far is still just pretend.

 I'm no better at all, i'm still waiting to be pushed back down, waiting for that fall. But mostly i just sit here waiting for his call, the one i'll never get. I should just forgive and forget. But that would give me even more regret. He's worse than i would've ever thought, all the pain that they had brought. It was pored into me. don't you see? I can save him, But he can't save me.

I taste the future . 
where forgetting is a crime
but remembrance a sin
waiting for the sadness to begin again. 
but when. 

This up and down, does nothing but make me frown. 
You've become my clown. I hate you, and you scare me,
but you make me laugh, you make me cry. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO DIE. 

as i sit here and sigh, will i ever be able to look you in the eye again? 

was everything you said to me just a lie until the end. 
was it all pretend. You never really loved me, i was a possession, another heart added to you're collection, i need you and your protection, i can't stand this new rejection. 

you warned me, but i was to blind to see, why can't we just set each other free? my love for you has no comparison to yours for thee, as does your love compared to thee to me. You're so fucked in the head, i honestly think we'd both be better of dead. Yes me too, you've left my life without anything, nothing to see but blue. 
 Left to think if what you're saying now is even true.

you were my life my new dream, and you left my life falling apart at the seams.  

should i say goodbye? or should i stick by your side and try. Love should give me butterflies not tears, i should be filled with utter happiness not fears.  She was around for years, and i for only months. But that doesn't justify what you hid, what you DID.  are you satisfied. because my love and hope has died. And only you can save me, can't you see? All that's left is you and me.  

If the truth set's you free then why am i still chained.

I got the means i needed to leave, But i can't. Love is a funny thing isn't it? The fact that you want to hate someone with every fiber of your being but yet you can't and don't. Instead you love them with every thing that's left of you. And believe me there aint much left at all. You were already full of doubt and distrust even before he walked no RAN into your life. You were full of insecurities you felt like no one could ever love you and then someone did.
Everything went up and down hill from there.
But the goods stopped outweighing the bad.
the hurts started taking over. He's here down on his knees begging for you. It's what you've always wanted. But is it to little to late. Is all he has to offer right now going to keep you satisfied until he has the means to do better... Or will the past just re cycle and continue to repeat itself.  
It can go so many ways, and i know it won't go any of the ways i plan it to. He's standing before me because she won't let him stand in front of her. He's here, because she's not. I wasn't crazy. He lied and cheated and was a despicable human being who deserves nothing more than to live a long life alone.  But i want him... and i can have him still... if i want.... But i no longer know what the fuck i want. Honestly doubt i ever will. I spent weeks waiting for him and wishing he'd be back before my birthday. Well it happened. i got what i wanted afterall. But it wasn't wanted like this. NOT AT ALL.


as if i wasn't already a confused second choice. i know what you're all thinking. Even i think it. But you don't understand. You never will. Nobody ever will. Even i won't.

you know that feeling
when you’re lonely
but not alone?

you aren’t exactly sad
but you’re not happy 
either

you miss someone but you’re
kind of glad they aren’t 
around because you need some
space

your body hurts but at the
same time the aching feels
good?

your heart is torn wide
open and you’d rather let it
bleed than allow anyone
to sow it shut?

the stitches will never last
they'll be ripped out from you one by one while the person who sowed them walks away
leaving you there on your own again
nobody can save you
this we all know is true
you're doomed 
stuck here hardly leaving the room 
replaying memories that fill your head with gloom 
there's nothing left of you 
'why even try 
he left you but not high and dry. 
he left you with nothing but your tears 
forced to face all of your fears 
Alone. 

It's been weeks now... Still nothing. No sign of hope left.

I've never been this far gone NEVER. And i honestly don't know what to do with myself or life anymore. I can't fake happiness, or smiles, or help people like i used to. Hell i can barely even keep a conversation going half the time. I've lost it, i've lost myself. I feel gone completely gone.  And the only way to find myself is through him. I need answers, to so many thoughts and questions that are left on loop running through my head. I need him. I need to know he's ok and to have hope that he'll come back and give me hope again. Or at least give me what i need to pack up and move on. Because that seems impossible. Everything and i do mean pretty much EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Sure he was never the best, he put me through hell and did some things and said some things no boyfriend should. Things worth leaving him for but i never could.  And never did. Even when i had that one last chance to leave him i couldn't do it. I don't know if he even cares about me anymore that's if ever even did. I can't help but wonder if he's thinking of me too? If he remembers my address or number or last name.... If he'll ever try to find me when he can. That's if he's even gone.... I bet they're right and he's probably sitting at home on his bed doing nothing. Not caring, not trying to even contact me. I wonder if he contacted the other chicks he "talked" to? or his friends? have any of them heard from him either? Or His parents? do they know.... how he is.. where he is... why just why wouldn't they fucking put me out of this misery and take the few minutes to fill me in? Jesus was i nothing to your family? did he really mean that little to you that you wouldn't even give me the good thing in his life information about what's going on? i'm completely in the dark and i hate the unkown more than anything.

 I keep having these dreams about him. Much like the ones i used to have that came true in the end. And there's so many variations of them i can't help but wonder which ones could be like the last. I just want to know damn it. I want to know that he was lying and cheating if he was. I want to know where he is and for how long if he's gone. But more than anything i want him to be home so i can hear from him again. Or even better SEE him again. not years or months from now BUT NOW. The time is now. And i need to know. I need to fucking know. My mom said she'd call because i definitely don't have the guts to do so. But i haven't wanted to ask again. Ok well i've wanted to but i haven't because i also don't have said guts to ask again. I also am putting it off because as badly and as much i want to know..... i'm scared of what they'll have to say. What if they tell her nothing? what if they lie too? There's just so much un known and i can't take it. I want my baby back. And if i can't have that i at least want the time of day to tell him the fuck off so i can do what it takes to let him go. We promised, but who's to say that wasn't all just A lie?

it's been a week since talking to my beloved... and well i'm not doing so well without him.

To say the least. Erm i lost my "support system" i'd fall asleep to him, i'd wake up to him... he'd get me out of bed and through the day ya know? And it's nearly impossible to do these things without him. I understand i pretty much finally got my proof that he was cheating. But that doesn't make this any easier. LIKE AT ALL. i loved him, and i will always... love him.... i might move on... eventually. but regardless i know he's always going to have a place in my heart. It feels like he's dead, or well dead to me anyway. but he's not. He's rotting in a program somehwre i uh think? who the hell knows cause i sure don't. I'm still hurt and pissed his family never called and told me what exactly was going on. I never got the closure i needed and well it's holding me down and back. I never got to say goodbye or tell him off... And i'm holding onto false hope that one day even maybe years from now i'll hear from him. and thing's will go back to being good for me and us again. Not that they ever were all that great. I dealt with drama almost everyday we were together gee i wonder why?... ugh. i wrote this on a sleepless night on my sisters couch.. i felt it needed to be said and posted here to get it out there into the universe.

call... phone call... uhm i dunno why but this one cuts off?... 

</3 my heart is shattered and as if i wasn't already broken now i'm by far beyond repair. le fuckin sigh. 

Hi, my names cheyenne genest I fail at sleep, and would give anything ANYTHING to go back to 2010... Also why do the ones we love end up hurting us the most in the end? Seems uncanny and bizarre.. Oh the things i think about at Night.... Le sigh. 

^ Status posted and deleted about said uh ten minutes or so ago. Going to elaborate a little and put my mind at ease so i can attempt to sleep tonight. I took 2010 for granted, I had an attitude towards my family that killed and what then seemed like not enough i look back on now and think wow i was stupid. Stupid for still being so unhappy when i had literally not a care in the world No means or needs of growing old i had friends whom became my family. I was in a teenagers heaven, i was smart and safe yet had a life A WONDERFUL LIFE one i see now that i often took for granted. I miss it so much i miss the happiness, i miss being out of the house almost every weekend, i miss the energy i had, I MISS MY SIZE and hair, i hated myself back then but damn i'd give anything to go back to it now. I mean sure in a way life is still pretty good and carefree but it's just not like it used to be. Ahh the good old days. I miss being the awkward 5th wheel believe it or not never thought i'd hear myself say that.. But it's true those four well Uh three meant more to me than anyone. Sure i was "in love" With both guys at one point in time. Guys i also saw as an older brothers.. but i was dumb to think i'd ever have a chance with them anyway. My mom was more willing to drive me places so i saw them more often than i probably deserved. I had just gotten out of an abusive "friendship" and well i was lost. 
So damn lost but i found them, and they were and always will be my misfits. And oh boy believe me this miss misses her fits. 
Speaking of all of this i just looked down to check the time and caught a glimpse of the date. Le sighs one month left until my birthday really? FUCKIN REALLY? what happened to this year? I've spent the whole year wasting away to basically nothing. I AM NOTHING. i have become nothing. I just lay here and take it. Take whatever life throws at m e, Which is never much of anything important. It's usually just drama unneeded drama. Or anxiety usually caused by said drama. Ugh. I love life, But i also hate it beyond control. Every time i start to think i've gotten my shit together life throws something at me all LOL nope sucks fur yooouu. 
Oh wow boy oh boy i'm happy today life what's to be thrown at me next? A new bitch that can't hop off my boyfriends dick? Or how about another bad stressed out day at work after a sleepless night. Or better yet i fear next time somethings thrown at me it'll be school. Something i'm most definitely NOT ready for. 
I
Why do the ones we love always seem to hurt us the most? We accept the love we think we deserve. That quote has always hit me.. Hit me hard. But  that's just it, I don't think i deserve him. Or anyone for that matter. My minds a god awful place lately. It's become so so dark and well not very nice to itself. back to the questions. Questions that have no answer really...  Is it because we love them and are vulnerable? Or maybe because we love them it gives them the ability to easily hurt us? They love us back... They shouldn't be the ones that hurt us the most. In fact they shouldn't hurt us at all. But they day. Oh believe me they do. I've had my fair share of hurt and pain from loved ones. Isn't it about time i caught a break and was able to stay happy for more than a few days at  time? I used to be so strong i used to think nothing could break me.... And now i'm more fragile than glass it seems. I can't tell if this is caused by my life and how it is right now and as of late. Or if it's just meant to be.. I mean after all at the end of the day... I really am just human... iiick Human. More like Lonely hybrid but eh let's not get into that on here right now.. Or like ever.