You haven’t left my thoughts, not even once. To put it simply, I miss you, the way you would confide in me, it implied to me, that maybe, the portrait you’ve painted in my mind of you, is quite complicated, the bearing of your mind, dictated. Your words were beautiful, surely unmerciful, a bit graceful, despite the thoughts that drive them.
not the ones that recently developed but the dark ones, the ones that spark, causing ripple marks in the deep waters, in which unknown territory i wandered. Subconscious memories, of pain and torture, emotional pain, the type that influences the promotional slicing of the vein. I know you’ve been through a lot, your soul, baking hot, maybe a bit angry at the pain, no more left for you to gain, but wait, there is. The thought of you keeps me restless at the oddest hours of the day, but what I would love even more is to know that I have the same effect on you this way. Your heart is the only place I could ever call home,  you were  the greatest guy I’ve known. Despite all your flaws, Or your hurtful claws.  I just want to kiss you, to tell me that you trust your lips against mine, you’re so divine, c-can I call you mine ?  These emotions built up inside, I was scared to trust, didn’t want to rush, for I have been hurt, like you, my heart was ripped in two. It already feels like an eternity ago but my new found happiness gave me some certainness in you. and your decisions against me. a love that I’ve gradually learned from you. Sometimes I think in my mind that I’ll always be, willing to bet my life that you were meant for me, clouded memories an faithful breaths, breathe the night away. I love you . Do you love me too ? No you don't. and you didn't. I never was anything more to you than a filler, someone to pass the time with so you wouldn't be alone. all of this is now known. Yet i still catch myself wishing, wanting, desiring for your touch, for your lust, you love. 

you make running away look so easy,
 A hero waiting to swoop in and save the day,
but if you want to play, you've gotta be willing to pay,
and i'm not willing to step up and pay the toll,
running from the past, wondering how long the happy could last.
running fast, without ever looking back, life on full blast.
looking down a boulevard of broken dreams, a life of wants busting at the seams, it's so hard.
forever torn between being stuck and just up and walking away, seize the fucking day, or sit here and let it go to waste, just thinking about it takes up too much space. My mind is blank, yet racing, I am one big fucked up contradiction that'll never make sense.
 living with myself is intense.
i'll understand if i never get where i want, because i'm not willing to try, i rather just dream hide and cry.
but why? Why can't i just reach out and take what i want, nothing is stopping me but myself.
i just want to break free, and get out to see, to adventure, to get out to venture, flying, soaring, out there in the world exploring. Instead of sitting here on my bed staring and the computer dreaming of the future. one i never see myself having.

And just like that, I let you back in. 

But don't you dare think this means i let you win. 

You thought your life was hell? Oh just wait until this begins. 

I'll fuck you up even as "Just friends" 

The love you think i still have for you is all pretend. 

This game is my bitch now and it's about to end. 

Check mate. 

Triple hate. 

This is my chance to feel, My chance to heal, I'm going to shock you like and eel. You'll wish none of it was real. In fact you'll think it was all a dream. But believe me when i say this hunny. Everything isn't always exactly how it may seem. I might have lost your game, But i won the war. 

It isn't over until i say it's over.
End game. Cheyenne 1
PLayer 2, 0

You're the sky, Wide open and full of wonders.
I am just a star, Fading away every time the sun shows itself.
We belong in each others universes, But we're not meant to ever collide.
Clouds will thunder, And rain, I'll gasp at how they so easily show their pain.
So graceful and Noticed by many for their roars or their annoyances.
In a world full of whores. I'm one of the only wholehearted-s left.
Shining bright every night for you, But you never notice. You're too busy wishing for the blues in the sky, I ask myself why....
Coming back every day just to hide me away, Having to dim my light too weak to shine and fight.
One day someone will see me for who i am, Maybe the moon will love me, Maybe the moon will see. That we're simply meant to be, You were just a day time cloud, And i was just a night's sky star.

where do i go from here, I say to myself as i fear the reflection of myself in the mirror.

I can't bare to look at me, This is never who i expected me to be. Why can't i let go of the darkness and let myself free, I stare into my eyes fearing what i'll see. Black all i see is black, nothingness i can never get back, my fangs glisten and ache, I wonder how much of this i'll be able to take. Before the bloodlust takes over, Before i let go of the light.

I sense myself giving into the fright. the feelings of the night. I want him, And the cravings are just starting to begin. I want my teeth sunk into his skin. But i can't let the dark side win. I still have Happiness stored, It just needs to be seen and adored. But the darkness left on hold grows bored. Tired of waiting to be seen. Wanting to beat out little miss peachy keen. Happy and hyper. Taking souls of those she chooses like a loveless viper. She sucks all she can. Before people turn and run. It's not for fun, she needs them to keep her alive and well. their energy is what keeps the dark at bay, And leaves the light on during the day. But everyone she loves seems to hide. And run. Because she clings and suffocates. Taking the lives from those who loved her. Unsure of why she can't keep them around. falling to the ground she curls up and cries. Hoping the love in her doesn't die. She just wants to be loved, but the darkness can't seem to let her.  Grasping her victims and hanging onto them until there's nothing left. Like a thief in the night she steals their last breaths, Without anyone ever noticing just how toxic she can be. 

I think that’s very common to a lot of us.

To find ourselves putting question marks where God has put periods. I know I’ve struggled with this quite a lot But lately it's intensified and it’s so frustrating because logically I know that God ended things for a reason, but my heart can become so dependent/reliant/attached that I sort of push God’s voice away and try and justify these feelings and actions. 

It’s so difficult because to go through periods of feeling okay without the person, but then  remember things about them and it’s like God’s voice is less prominent and just dwell and dwell on “why.” It’s like this void has opened up and that feeling of being ‘unable to bare’ life without them is overwhelming. I couldn't help but be selfish and  think these thoughts and feelings were brought back to me For the reason I wanted.

 "Maybe Time was needed away from each other to grow"

" Maybe this time things could be different.".... No 

These thoughts are multiplying because you continue to have a refusal to give up control and let God take over your life completely. In the times you did not falter you were blessed with so many great new beginnings, So many better memories, Surrounded by people who would strengthen yourself and your relationship with him. Fear not, With a heart like yours it will over feel. Which leads to moments like these. It's okay to stray, And doubt. So long as you never let go of what you know. 

Take more time to Focus on God’s promises, and the unfathomable love He has shown you. I think this will help to remind  that letting go of the things God calls us to let go will be difficult, but not impossible, and that letting go of those things can bring myself closer to God Himself. He is always with me. Even when it may not feel like it. 

Despite the pain and the heartache often involved with these things - we know God has a better plan and a better way. We know that choosing God is never wrong 

Please remember that ‘time heals all wounds.’ Slowly, as you begin to lean on God more and fill that void with hope in Him, the heartbreak won’t be so devastating and the memory itself could potentially turn from a sad one to a hopeful one because it could be a time you turned to God and  time you accepted His refuge and a time you grew with Him! 

No man is an island. You are not deserted or alone. God has placed such amazing people in your life all because you let the others go. Don't go back on that. Let go. Remember this is just one of those nights. But tomorrow is a new day, To wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world. He has given you the things you needed to finally FINALLY let go. Don't let yourself try and hold onto something toxic just because you miss not being alone. Move forward. If you keep bringing negative baggage from yesterday into today, it will poison your future. You may have had an unfair past, but you don’t have to have an unfair future. You may have gotten off to a rough start in life, but it’s not how you start that matters. It’s how you finish.

My body kicks itself into overdrive
Explosions of feelings come alive.
I'll do anything just to survive one more night.

I can't fall asleep, but I can't stay awake, every word I say seems to break.
Choking up with every breath I take.

Writing, waiting, Crashing. Sleep.

Sleep is all I need, little moments of nothing where everything is stopped.

My brain is mush, i need that life push.

Anything to keep me from this.

That well known dark abyss. Everything I've ever been used to.

Exactly where you put me, exactly where It seems I'm meant to be.

When will I break free!?
Open my eyes to see.....
that it's all just inside of me.

How am i supposed to set goals for myself when i'm so content being practically dead?
Losing sleep due to the constant thoughts of nothingness filling my head.
Trapped inside stuck in my bed with nowhere left to hide.
It's time to suck it up, Become who i'm supposed to be.
but who is she?
Where do i find the key, To unlock what's lost inside of me?
Dreams bursting at the seams begging to be found.
Dead and buried underground.
Inside screaming for help, But outside making no sound.
Where do i go, what am i to do?
i used to think the key was you, Or she, Or he But you all just made me worse.
Bound to this lifelessness like a curse.
Where i belong just might be in A hearse.
All i can do is go back, Figure out where i lost track,
How does one make the move forward when she's so content being stuck.
Fuck, fuck fuck a duck, I feel as if i'm out of luck.
Someone just needs to push me,  Maybe i'll realize what it takes to be alive again and happy.
As of now being stuck just feels crappy, Can't be stayed in forever.
I must make change Take my dead body and rearrange.
Practically dead yes that's what i said, Too comfortable, Too afraid.
Too scared to clean up the mess i have made.
Guess the game of life needs to be re played.
the wheels of chance re spun, My new life has just begun.
Or will begin, Once i let myself see within.
Dead and Hell bound Is coming un wound.

homesick, More like homeStuck.

I crave places I can hardly remember, I can't tell where I belong, or where it is that I went wrong. Everything I've seemed to know feels gone. I've been lost for so long, I can't tell right from wrong or heaven from hell.

It all blends together into one big fucking mess I call my life.

I crave things out of my reach, I try to be loud and to preach to the people.. But how can I when I don't even know what I'm telling them. I need to learn to take my own damn advice. Start helping myself, instead of leaving my needs to rot on the shelf.

I need someone to bring me back before I sink to far into the deep. But nobody seems to care for me like I do.
Like I do for everyone but me. My eyes are open but I can't see. All that's left is the darkness inside of me.

found this in my tumblr drafts.... Sometimes i surprise myself.

i am the moon, And you are the sun. 
we can never be one of the same. 
Yet you get me better than anyone, 
you see the dark in me,
 I the light in you.
 The eclipse happened, 
and i wished it was us. 

My dreams have me busting at the seams, where nothing is as it seems.
set me free, just let me be, get out of my head, stop filling me with dread. I want to be set free, it's been long enough just leave me be. You did bare minimum to sneak yourself back in. But i'll be damned if i let you win. This is my war, and i call the shots.

You being back is no different than you being gone, i am no longer just another pawn.
 This is my game now. i'll take a bow, Look you dead in the eyes and walk away. I won, we're done. No time for goodbyes, i already had enough excuses and lies.
 You wouldn't try even if i said you could.
so why give you the chance, i'm holding my stance.
all i have left to say, is fuck you.
and with that, i'll say good day, and goodbye, Now go away.

I need to write, I need to write about you.

But once my fingers hit the keyboard nothing comes out and there's nothing i can do.
my head is racing, body buzzing, Exploding on the inside, it's where all my deepest darkest demons seem to hide.
They're busting out of me, They want you to see, See the darkest sides, to see if you'll stick out the ride.
Or will you scream and jump off? Leaving me alone with them again. Hopeless and begging for your love.
Wishing i had the energy to chase after you. But i spent all that was saved up trying to push you away. Pushing you to the limits, getting clingy and cute, suffocating making you loose your breath in the best of ways. I've been acting crazy for days, and it's my fault i know, but all i can do is sit here and scream baby please don't go. Come back, get back on track. Look me in the eyes, Cut me some slack. Fight off the demons, make me believe in you. In Love. In happiness. I keep trying to just tell you how i feel, But all that comes out is i love you i love you i love you.  But that isn't enough to make you love me too.
 Do i love you because i'm lonely? Do i love you because you loved me? i don't know you, And i don't know why. All i know is that my heart longs for you. And that it wants the things it can't seem to ever have. You don't mean the words the way i want you too. I need you in my life, and you're hardly around. I lost myself in the clouds and you keep my feet on the ground. I cling, I sing, i praise, i love. all i wish is for you to return it. Every little bit. But that's too much to ask, too far heavy of a task. I'm foolish to think we'll ever last. You're wishy washy, and far away. and the love so far swings and sways. I want routine. I want realism. To know you love me without a doubt in my mind, To keep myself blind. Blind from the bad, and the thoughts of you loving someone else but me, Getting rid of all pasts, Of all jealousy. Letting go of everything but you and me. Can i handle it? Can i handle you? or is this just another bullshit turn on my rollar coaster of a life? The ride that'll never die...? I don't know but i'm sure as hell going to try... I love you, i do. But do you love me? that is the question. One i don't know if i ever want answered.

I’m truly a lucky person.
Everyday I get to wake up in my own bed safe and warm. I have a supportive family and friends, the list goes on and on. I’ve realized that I don’t take the time to appreciate how “good” I have it. Yeah, I complain a lot but at the end of the day it could be so much worse. I’m truly blessed, and am sorry for those who do have a rough life. 

I have the best parents a teenager could ask for, the best life. But that doesn't make the pain go away. And it doesn't stop the ungratefulness and complaints. things could always ALWAYS be better, but i thank god everyday that they aren't worse. I am a lucky lucky teenager that is finally realizing it's time to grow up and accept life. 

I have supportive parents who have let me slack off all my life because they know it's what i wanted. And that's great and all but i'm starting to wish i had been pushed just a little bit more. Things would be so different now. But i don't think i want different, I'm happy here where i am. I just know changes are coming and that theres not a damn thing i can do about it. I have to grow up, and i need to accept the facts of reality.  

I'M HAPPY, but why am i sitting here crying? I can blame my "period" all i want but that's not it. I feel like i don't have a voice or a choice in my life. But it's my fault for never stepping up for myself and for never trying. But it's also the fault of others who push me down every time i try to stand up. But not anymore. I'll continue to get up until my squeaking mouse voice turns into a tall proud loins roar. I didn't ask to babysit. But my life is so beautiful i know i need to suck it up and just do it. but honestly it's just the thoughts of my grandmother watching aubrie alone that keep me doing this. i don't like playing alone and pretending i'm perfectly okay. But i'm getting better every step of the way. All it takes is waking up day after day. Even if i get up with the thoughts of wishing i hadn't. 

i need to learn to take the bad... with the good that's come back into my life. I lived in darkness for so long, I've forgotten how to handle the light. and what comes with the light. Things come out in the light, where in the dark i can hide and avoid. time for acceptance time for action. Driving first, job or school second. yep. 

Sick of complaining of a beautiful life. But i can't help it.

I don't care how lucky i am and how great and easy my life is. I shouldn't be forced to watch YOUR child. It's my mothers job. and your job as a mother. NOT MINE. it isn't fair to be to have to sit and do nothing for 8 hours. I got to stay home tonight instead of going to my sisters. But i have to be up at 7 and i have to deal with my grandmother and that damn house full of dead memories. I fucking hate it. I WAS HAPPY in a weird mood BUT HAPPY. and you ruined it. You act like i can't handle a child for 8 hours.  she is my life of course i can handle it. CAN'T I? i can't handle my own damn life but i know i can handle hers. 
i sleep all day at your house to avoid it. i hate it there. and i can't handle dealing with it so i avoid responsibility and sleep. I WANT TO ACTUALLY WATCH THE CHILD.
 And be the aunt i'm supposed to be and i fucking can't. i'm too broken and unhappy to give her the attention and love she deserves while being watched. But instead of trying i just sleep. honestly not my fault sleeping is how i cope. sleeping is all i do with my life anymore. Think, do nothing about said thinking, then sleep. 
In fact i'm off to nap because fuck you. 


Ps this weekend was fantastic and i am greatful, but i don't owe my sister shit. I owe my parents and i guess i have to suck it up and do this.  there's no other options. 

I swore i'd never let myself get like this again, but here i am.
Watching my phone like a hawk, waiting for someone to talk.
Come back to me, it's almost easy. Once you called me baby, and life started to feel breasy.
Everything else stopped making sense, My world flipped upside down. I let myself drown.
Waiting for you to come and save me, i lost myself once more.
I let it go to far.
melting slipping turning black like tar.
should've never expected you to come back. Not when my hearts so dead and black. You were never mine, But i wanted you to be. Don't you see? i still think you're one for me. even if as a friend. This was never stupid or pretend. Our connection was real, and i wish you were back so i could tell you how i feel.
You brought me back to life, and then left me to save yourself.
I was left sitting on the shelf, like an old toy missing the hands of that dear little boy.
come back to me, come back and you'll see. i let you go, So you could learn to be free.
i just hope you better yourself and come back happy. I couldn't keep that smile on your face.
 Although i fear i never put it there in the first place. My world turned upside down when you came into my life. and when you left it flipped back, But it still feels so, so off track. Without you here, without you to call my dear. I lost my energy and miss the synergy.
 between the you and i that never was.
between the you and i that'll never be. even thought it's all i seem to see. or think about anymore. But it doesn't matter anymore, these feelings are natural and usual for me. My hearts so sore it doesn't even feel like pain anyway. God i need you back today.

I have never ending tendencies to save people who simply do not wish to be saved.

 I spent the past week screaming WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP at my phone…. doubting you’ll ever be back. You always prove me wrong and show up just when I need you. Well now I need you more than ever and I’m scared you really won’t be back this time. I thought that last night, and I’ll think it again everytime until you prove to me that it’s not me. And that I can be loved. You’re different and that’s scary. Because everytime I catch myself saying this, they turn out exactly how I swore they never would.

It’s an un wanted never ending shit cycle. But I’ll be damned if I loose you. I didn’t ask for this, but I should’ve known what I was getting myself into with you. I don’t care how broken I already am, I will give you all I have until you’re okay. I’ll stare at my phone all day, I’ll even pray. That you’ll come back and that you’ll be ok.

You showed me I could be loved, and I fell for you. I still think you’re amazing. And I want you in my life even if it means I never sleep or that I’m only happy when you’re around. Because I rather little than nothing at all. And I rather feel too much than go back to being so numb.
 Wow I’m dumb. But I couldn’t have asked for a better person to talk to. I can be myself and I can learn to feel. how to deal, how to pretend I'm real..

My past tells me you’re too good to be true, 
But the hope left in me has made me stick to you like glue,
it’s only been a day and I don’t know what the hell to do, 
I’m under your spell,
I hope you can’t tell,
But I've already fallen for your smile
And I hope that you stick around for awhile,
But I know that you won’t,
So I tell myself please Cheyenne DON’T. 
Don’t put your heart on the line, 
Don’t get lost in him like you do every time,
 you’re nothing more to him than another dime, 
jingle jangling in his pocket,
 lost amongst all the others in his collection, 
you can’t do this you need protection. 
But the hope says no, 
the hope says open. 
But the past says stay closed. 
Who does one listen too when so exposed? 
God wouldn't tell me if he knows. 
Guess that’s just how this life thing goes.

having the memory of an elephant sucks.

Once again i find myself here pondering the past.
I'm stuck here, torn parts of it couldn't last.
Believe me I've had some times that were a blast.
Some of me being an outcast.
Some of me being the most popular kid in the place.
but most of these i just wish to erase.
most remembered i do not wish to face.
the heartbreaks, the mistakes.
all of this makes up who i am.
without it there is no cheyenne.
nobodies life ever really goes as they plan.
but it helps to try as best they can.
forget the pain, stop setting the blame.
Keep moving forward, never dwell.
for me that never seems to end well.
stuck in a box, a prison cell.
it's all in my mind, my personal hell.
running through my head, when i lay on the bed.
i can't leave myself alone, i can't leave myself be.
one day i'll get over it all. one day i will see.
that everything in my life was simply meant to be.

Not loving you is harder than you know.

I've been putting all my time, energy and words into pages of a book that i forgot this existed for awhile. But it's time i let go of said book and start writing here again. Or at least in another book. I was such a silly pitiful little girl in 2013. But i assure you, And myself that i'm not anymore.
I'm still silly and maybe even pitiful in some things. But not at all how i once was.
I spent so much time and false hope one someone and something that never mattered. I started to loose track of the world slowly spinning around me. It's honestly hard to believe i have anyone left by my side. And it's even harder to believe it's not only a new year but it's already the 18th of said new year.

Anthony was a big part of me, a part of me that now feels dead and missing. He made up for half of my brain and half of my heart. And it hasn't been the easiest thing to get over.
And believe me i'm not done on that journey pretty sure i never fully will be.  But it's time to stop holding onto the past and false hope that he'll change his mind. Or come back changed. Neither of these things would benefit me even if they were to happen. After he left i started writing to him in a journal which was also filled with pictures and drawings. Time, memories, feelings, pieces of me. Things he'll never care about like i do. Things he'll never care about period. So it's time i let go. It's time i start over completely. I tried to on new years.... But uh it didn't work out or go as planned.

I'm weak ok. And he's my biggest weakness.
But he won't be for long if i can help it.
All his shit aside, I'm feeling stuck once again. Surprise, Surprise. I haven't moved in life since i don't even know when. Probably 2010? i have done things, i have felt things, but i take a few steps forward a hell of a lot back... And bam i'm back where i started. When will my life begin?
 *sung in the tune/ tone of Rapunzel* Like honestly i want it too. but my anxiety is so bad i can't even.
My friends are all back in school and i'm just kind of here.... watching full seasons of shows on nextflix in two days. Which is a skill of mine it seems. But part of me wants to be like them to feel accomplished when i graduate this year to feel as if i actually cared and tried... But at the same time i'm comfortable. too fucking comfortable. when 18 rolls around i'm done for. Completely Screwed.