Cross Road...

I'm at a cross road right now. Where's my crossroads demon..? Cause i could kind of use one right about now.. Although i'd then only have years left to live and seeing how i'm young that would be kind of sucky.

I'm stuck and i've been stuck for quiet a while now, when's enough enough? When do i give in and start living again. Saying that things are going to change is starting to get old... really really old. I've been saying this for almost a year now and still not a damn thing in my life has changed. Okay things have obviously changed, But not in the way they should have. On my sixteenth birthday i made a vow to start driving again, I also made a vow to get my shit and life together to go back to school.. Neither of these things have happened and i'm starting to think that if i don't step up and start saying instead of doing they never will. I'll be stuck here lifeless and dead for the rest of my life. And well that, That's no bueno.

The time is now to step up and take charge of my life. Slowly but surely this shall start to happen. It has to... i can't take much more of this. Not many teenagers could say they do nothing but stay in bed all day.. And that's not the teenager i want to be, Not anymore not ever again.. I've got to grow the fuck up grab life by the balls and say Ya know what? I'm gonna be happy again damn it. And i'm gonna get somewhere in life.. If not with photography then at least somewhere someday.. So that i can say i at least tried... Even if i fail at least i could look back and say i tried.... instead of looking back and realizing that most of my teenage years had been wasted by sitting in my room alone all the time...

Also while i'm here let me take a moment to, Yeah never mind that's another rant for another day...

Now to finish packing for a beach trip i honestly don't want to fucking take.. I'M SICK OF THE BEACH OKAY.... and this was supposed to be my weekend NOT YOURS.... ugh.. I'm so over everything lately.. and i really shouldn't let myself complain but fuck man i'm just not happy... and i honestly don't know how to get my happiness back... The one person i thought could pull me out of this just keeps adding to everything and making it all worse. WHY MUST LIFE BE SO COMPLICATED!!?..... also another rant for well not now.... Now now we sleep. Hahaha Yeah because i can totally sleep. ~eye roll~ Yeah sleep probably won't happen tonight... probably not tomorrow night either... But oh well.

WWRD!? What would rocky do.

Forever saying that lately.
 God i just wish my aunt was here to talk to.

I've I've lost my mind, and i honestly don't even know what to think anymore.

I've always been the girl who thought she could never be loved, but now she is loved she's very very loved... But just being loved isn't really enough anymore... I'm not being treated as well as i should but then again things might be different if we were older and if he knew how i was feeling... I can never make the words come out right... I want to be spoiled, I'M A MOTHERFUCKING PRINCESS. and sometimes i just don't think he gets just how much i need to be treated better than what i think i deserve... i deserve the world, but i'd never wish or ask for it... and maybe just maybe that's the problem here... I don't know my worth, i need someone to show me that i'm worth it.. and that i deserve flowers and sweet texts And long drives to nowhere... i just i don't want to leave, i really don't i want to stay and prove to myself and to him that i'm worth more than what he gives... God i sound so stupid right now... Ugh i hate myself for getting like this... AGAIN.... he's a teenage boy... WHAT DO I EXPECT flowers and presents and long car rides.....? because obviously right now he just can't give me those things.... But that doesn't mean he won't someday... Someday oh someday.... I'm saying that alot lately.. someday things will change, someday things will be different someday i'll be shown that i'm worth it and i'll know that there's more than just love and feelings in this relationship but honestly i don't think i can wait for this "someday" i'm impatient... I always have been... But i've stood by him and waited anyway... I just don't know how long i can hold on to the thoughts of tomorrow instead of grabbing life by the balls and living for today... And now thing's get a little complicated and hard to grasp.... Someone new has popped up into my life just yesterday well two days ago if you want to get technical... We stayed awake with each other talking all night... And then, oh then he came to see me... SAY WHAT!!!!?.... Is this real life, because well it sure as hell doesn't feel like it anymore.. which is odd because i honestly haven't felt this alive in a really REALLY long time... Omfg i thought i was gonna have a heart attack when he showed up and my parents were both still sleeping... and as my mom said "there's other fish in the sea"  But those fish in the sea don't matter to me as much as my nemo does... But then again  nemo doesn't stay up all night just to talk to me or drive an hour to come see me.... Nor can i stay in bed all day with nemo without him nagging me to entertain him or do something I JUST WANNA CUDDLE AND TALK DAMNIT. is that to much to ask for...? Nemo is starting to become more and more just Emo... wow that was mean but in the end kind of true.. We shall see what happens.... Wish me luck. Oh that's right nobody reads this.. HAhaha. Still universe wish me luck. Why do good girls, fall for bad guys!!? Because honestly neither of these guys are better for me than the other.. Ugh i can't help but love how they make me feel though... I've been dead for far to long... IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP AND LIVE YOLO BITCHES... the yolo part was a joke btw. good god just no.

Your now caught up in love and wrath
Loves two sides have intertwined
Causing both destruction and design
What will come of love and pain
loosing my mind feeling insane. 
thing's between us just aren't the same. 
and honestly i'm sick of playing your game. 
when neither of us are to blame. 
What caused this change? 
I want things to go back to the way it used to be. 
back to when it felt like the world was just you and me. 
Things are different now we can't go back. 
 maybe it's time to just face that fact. 
it's true i over react. 
But i still can't help but feel the way i do. 
so much is missing something has changed in you. 
and i no longer know what to do. 


relationships are so much harder than i could've ever thought. 
 Why didn't anyone ever warn me that my fantasies were no where near the real thing!!? 
Seriously ugh, sometimes i think it's not worth it. that he's not worth it. Or the worst that i'm  not worth it... none of which i'm saying to you is true. 

5:10 am... as i lay here fearing sleep.. can't even picture myself counting sheep.

my room, dark black
these nightmares just keep coming back
why won't the universe just cut me some slack
my past, won't leave me
these thoughts oh how they deceve me 
I need someone, or something to free me
with all of the pain
 the regret makes me insane
my eyes, wet
the reasons why, I'll never forget
my words, cunning 
mind running, 
as my eyes reflect, with nobody around to even detect. 
i feel so small and usless like an insect. 
on each breath, I'm choking 
with every tear my bed ends up soaking. 

i wish he was here to save me from this,
 to fill my heart with bliss. 
to put and end to all of this. 
maybe these are a sign,
but i rather not see them, 
i rather go through life blind. 
sometimes not knowing is better than this showing. 

my mind just keeps going and going
. never ending thoughts never ending nightmares. 

nothing can stop this not even my prayers. 
praying to something that doesn't exist,
 i'd give anything for him to come hold me to bring back that bliss.
 i'd give anything to put and end to this. 
anything to save me from this. 

In this world full of hurt and pain, I need someone who would help me through the rain...

I've become Too attached, and that's a fact.
i say things i don't mean and i over react.
 he
Today has lead me to believe i may have become obsessed, my walls now down, and my body fully undressed. A person who never thought she was capable of being loved has been proved wrong.
the bond we have has gotten strong... And i sit here thinking about you all day long. Listening to the same old songs, staring at blank walls, my mind has gone running restless through the halls, opening new doors and i windows to let you in. Has it come to far, has my mind forgotten all it's scars? forgotten how just how crazy you are. Crazy is me. don't you see? there's no way a guy like you could ever love me. I'm far to Needy. it's so easy for you to distance yourself from me, so why can't i distance myself from you too!? It's unfair, how you can go through your day without a care in the world if were talking or not. And yet all i do is sit here wanting to be talking to you.. this is a fact we know this is true. I know i need to change or i'll suffocate you with messages until you can't breathe and are turning blue. I need you, it's always been this way.. I just hope you'll stick around through this needy faze because i honestly can't picture my life without you in it.

finally watching the documentary "bully" I broke down into tears When this Kid probably  no older  than ten was shyly talking about how he was getting called a faggot.... and when asked how he felt about it all he could say was that it broke his heart... YOU GUYS ARE LITTLE... why do you even know the word faggot...? </3


the fact that i don't even want to post this because i said faggot yet kids can run around saying it as if it means nothing well that that that breaks my heart. And i've never been so happy to call myself a homeschooler because if i was in school i'd probably have killed myself by now.. I honestly don't think the world will ever change But i'm sure as hell going to spend my life trying to make people understand that it's okay to be an outcast and i just i could say so much more about this but i won't.....

OoooOooOops i did it again.

Let me start by saying over thinking will surly be the death of me the death of us?
I do this to myself every damn night. I lay here thinking of you and i can't help but wonder if you're even thinking of me too..?
No one will ever see the side reflected, and if there's something wrong who would've guessed it. I'm not okay DON'T YOU SEE THAT I'M NOT OFCUCKINGK? I meant it when i said you bring out the beast in me. I can't handle the countless sleepless nights, the constant voice in the back of my mind. This would be so much easier if you wouldn't have broken all of my walls down so fast and easily. I can't help but feel unsafe and un guarded all the time now, i love you i really do and honestly that scares the living shit out of me.
I have no safety net left, and i have no ways of knowing i won't just get hurt. But you know what it's not you it's me isn't it... I'm the one in control of my thoughts i'm the one in control of my feelings so why do i keep getting like this..? Maybe it's the fear of not knowing..
Do you really think that i can't see right through you i'm emphatic, and i have dreams. I know that everything you say isn't always what it seems. I can tell you've been lying, and facebook the root of all evil in every relationship doesn't help you in this at all. CHEYENNE FACEBOOK IS BULLSHIT DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU LIKE THIS. SERIOUSLY JUST DON'T STOP NO JUST NO.!!

Just let it all go,
his love isn't just for show.
and this you know.
he makes your heart glow.
don't ruin it.
don't let things get to you.
it'll just make you over think and leave you blue.
this we all know is true.
You love him and he loves you.
Leave it at that.
Now you're the one who's being a brat.
going around, letting the thoughts throw you to the ground.
you won't get hurt, just you wait and see.
just let it all be..
I bet you he feels the same way you do.
this is probably true.
now you're just trying to rhyme coo coo cachoo!
now you're just wasting time.
this poem defiantly won't be one to show em.
You're perfect to him don't you see
 there is no need to worry you've just gotta let go of all the thoughts and let it be.
and in the end it'll be just you and he.

Don't make mountains out of Molehills...

My Paranoia makes it easy for me to over react to things sometimes, Okay most times, Okay Okay ALL THE TIME...

 But that doesn't mean i should keep letting it all get to me so easily. There's no reasoning behind this whole we have nothing to talk about thing, and he's not going to leave you because of it. He's also not going to leave you for her, You've got to stop thinking that or he will stop being so understanding.
 You've got to realize that you've pushed if enough,and that he's not going anywhere it's time you've stopped testing him. Pushing him too hard will just lead to the downfall of it all.
 Everything you've worked for all the trust you thought you had, all the love, all the well everything  could come crashing down with one little nudge gone to far.

You went to far by saying his Facebook was back so that he could start talking to ex's again. But he was also out of line to keep ignoring the fact that he was driving me crazy by not giving me answers. Answers which could've  prevented this whole damn situation this whole almost loosing him scare. What was i to do but over think this, i can't help but think he still misses her more than he could ever love me. But then again that's just more of the paranoia talking. God life would be so much easier without that part of my brain constantly nagging me about things that don't matter. And things that'll never happen. But then again what if all of this is true? I just don't know what to think or what to do anyfucking more. And it's times like these when i miss my aunt the most... Which is stupid but i honestly just wish she was here to tell me what the hell i'm doing wrong and how to get my relationship back to the way it used to be. That's all i wanted damn it.

Maybe we moved to fast too soon and now we're just stuck? I can't hold on to this forever.... And honestly if things don't start to change again i might just have to make the hardest decision of my life and leave it all behind.  Actually after sitting here thinking about it..... THERE IS NO PROBLEM... nothings really wrong here i've just gotten attached REALLY ATTACHED. and that scares the daylights out of me. Therefore i keep creating problems out of nothing so that i can be the one to leave this time. Everyone always leaves. And i can't help but think that he'll leave too. So here i am pushing him too far away, bringing up things that don;t matter and starting fights out of pretty much nothing at all. WHY WHY WHY self fuckin why...? You've got a damn good thing going here, don't go off ruining it K. Now that that's all settled and done. I'll be here over thinking about over thinking which leads to more over thinking which leads to my demise. Good god i need a hobby, Or something to keep my mind off of things.. To keep my mind off of him. And most of all to keep my mind off of them (the stupid outsiders that don't mean shit to him geeeeze why are they bugging you anyway? it's obvious he loves you and only you so why the hell can't you just let it be and not give a damn about the people he talks to? he has well had ex's for friends? so what big deal get over it. It's not like he's cheating he doesn't seem like that kind of guy AND YOU KNOW THAT. So stop JUST STOP.. ugh i'm gonna leave it at that before i go on and on about nothing)

Here lays my heart,
All broken and torn;
There are no feelings left in it,
For me to mourn.

Here lays my mind,
Which has repressed;
All the memories we have shared,
That have left me a mess.

Here lays my soul,
Which you took away;
Along with my faith and trust in you,
That you broke in a day.

Here lays my body,
All mangled and left to die;
I hope that I can get through this,

I hope that there's still a you and I. 

As in You and me. together as one, it was only a fight right!? a fight that ended and was over that night. I didn't mean to find a reason to push you away from me, i just wish i could make you see, all the things have bottled up inside of me. I can't hide my feelings from you, they always get blurted out sometimes even the things that aren't really true, sometimes the things that i know will just make the both of us feel blue. Thank you for sticking by me, thank you for being my glue when i needed you. I'm hoping you'll someday see just how damn much you really do mean to me. i'm not the same anymore, somethings changed, who knows maybe it's for the better, but i need you more than ever before. i know i've become clingy and probably do nothing but annoy you anymore, just know i pushed you because i'd rather push than be pushed. i love you and i'm still so scared that one day you'll change your mind and won't love me back. therefore i'll push you away until you either A grab me and pull me back in, or until B i push so hard i have to leave you. or you give in and leave me instead. hopefully neither of those things in B happen because i love you and i sit here hoping you truly do love me to. 

feeling myself calming down slowly,
 flushing a bit at our reactions.
I had never been one to keep my emotions in check,
especially when it came to something i cared about.
I should have known what buttons not to push,
Afterall he had been around long enough.
 Perhaps that was why this apology was so easy to stomach.
I was in the wrong, But then again so was he.
For he once made me giddy and  filled me with glee.
 darkness now is all i can see.
I'll get through this, So will he, as we shall remain a we.
I gave in to you, and now things between us have changed.
Leaving me deranged, somethings just not the same.
Am i the one too blame? Am i wrong to be sitting here in shame
i'm Calling out for you screaming your name.
 I want nothing more than to know where we went wrong.
as i sit here replying our songs.
I need to know, what i should do and if i was right to stay and not go.
Was your love for me real? or was this just another game.
 just another heart for you to steal.
oh what a shame what a shame.
i've simply gone insane.

I've simply lost my brain.