sketchy tisk tisk he's no good, this love is too full of risk.
take the chance? or leave now and never know what i could miss?
could he be the one that i let get away, dare i even believe a word you say.
i don't agree with these mindless love games you play.
i'm still young and this is all in fun, but i just want forever, and the long run.
don't waste my time, if you're not mine. i'm not looking for some fling, i'm not even looking for the next big thing. Maybe Love really is worth the wait, but then again maybe it's all just up to fate.
i'm old fashioned and want you to see that i'm the only one you'll ever need and that's it's you and me.
you don't need her, you don't need she, don't you see you can't have it all if you want me?
why is it so damn hard to stay away from facebook...? i always end up finding things i shouldn't and it does nothing but cause more problems and hurt that wouldn't exist if i A had self control and kept myself from checking things and B i'm on here to much anyway... But then again if "inserts name here" wasn't such a sketchy mofo i wouldn't feel i have the need to check up on things now would i? In some ways faceboook actually helps me because maybe one day i'll have enough and i'll stop myself from getting hurt any longer by getting rid of your ass. Now sure non of this makes up for me being creepy and checking different facebooks on a daily basis because i fear i'm not the only love in your life and i anit got time for your shit. don't tell me not to over think and not to be paranoid BECAUSE HOW CAN I NOT BE? it's not like you tell me things. you're just friends? that's fucking fine just tell me when you're going to see her and maybe just maybe i'll believe you the next time you "swear you're just friends" It's sad to say that i love you and that i've fallen for you because i know i'll continue to be the loving trusting person i always am and i'll continue to put up with your shit forever.... i don't know what to do anymore i keep saying i'll mention this when i'll do this then i'll leave you.... But i never do i i i i can't because i need you. and i know you need me too but sadly this just won't last much longer if you keep this up... You can't keep pulling this shit. Because i refuse to keep putting up with it. Sure it's my fault for snooping BUT that doesn't make up for the things you've said and done... I'm over the mind games. My hearts heavy and hurts and if this is kept up i don't know what'll happen i'll give up... I'll give up on everything......
i'm done i'm so done with everything. i'll be here over thinking yet never doing anything like always if anybody needs me Anytime soon. but i beg of you please don't need me because i'm not very reliable right now my brain can't take anything or anyone right now so please just leave me here with myself my thoughts and my music and maybe just maybe i'll be fine in awhile. Or maybe i won't be....
why is moving on so damn hard? Why do i keep feeling like if i leave him my life will be over and i'll be done for good. I don't want to leave him... i really don't.... i just wish he'd stop with the sketchy shit. I also wish all these bitches would go die in a fire. A painful burning fire. Yeah that's mean.... really mean... But i don't care.. I need my i don't care attitude back... i miss being heartless. Yet i don't GOD I'M SO CONFUSING. i don't know what i want or how to get it when i figure it out. And i just.... My bed looks more and more comfortable each day, But it also keeps getting more empty feeling i'm lonley i need my damn life back.... I need to see my boyfriend more often and i need to get my happiness back... And i'm starting to think that'll never happen... I'm never going to be happy am i!? I'm never going to get my life back.... I'm gonna live off my parents until they give up on me too and i'm kicked out with nowhere to go and no ways or fixing or changing my life then.... I'm scared... I hate thinking about the future, i hate thinking about my life now, I hate thinking at all. I want to sleep. I want to feel dead. I'm not living i'm not alive.... I'm numb and filled with hate and sadness... This needs to change and now. And on my own.... i need to do it on my own... only i can fix me.....
Monday, March 4, 2013
heart beats fast. colors and promises, how to be brave, how can i love when i am afraid?
I am not my sisters, but please excuse me while i sit here comparing myself to them anyway.
everyone has always said me and my sisters were heaven, hell, and undetermined. Does this make me forever stuck between good and evil? forever being undetermined of which roads to go down and which steps to take..?
in this life i can take the so called "hard way" like the one sister or i can take the " easy way" like the other. BUT WHAT IF I WANT TO TAKE MY OWN DAMN WAY!? what if i want my own paths both easy and hard making this life MY life and not theirs? Because after-all that's the way it should be right.
Let's get one thing strait, i flat out refuse to end up in the dental feild so that alone keeps me from being like either of my sisters in the career point of this. But that still leaves us with all the other points of life like relationship or
"ships" persay because let's face it Cheyenne You're not her and you will not be with this guy forever sure it worked out like that for her but that sure as hell doesn't mean it'll work out like that for you too. she has the perfect guy, the perfect life even.
and then the other sister.. stuck with the guy everybody hated stuck with the guy who's no good, stuck with the guy who did nothing for her i could go on but let's not get carried away with that side of things as it just adds to my paranoia of this guy I've let into my life... who will he be? Will he turn out to be the guy that does nothing but drags me down and ruins my life yet i can't shake him so he sticks around for years until i finally say enoughs enough and move on... Or his he the guy who ends up being the so called
"one" if that even exists anymore..
You see through writing all of this i've gotten nowhere.. and here's my damn problem I know i'm not my sisters and never will be them but why can't i stop comparing myself my life and my realtionship to them and theirs? UUuuuuuugghhhhlfd.,fdmlkhclkushgfliwuejfgfausidfilusgfkgfreuigfvsfsau <-- yep that about sums up my feelings. just dlkwifhlskhflui. I JUST wish i could know all the shit's worth it that that that.. he's worth it i mean when i think about it sure she went through some shit but look at her now? she's fine and happy and that's all i want in my life to someday figure everything out and to be at a place of happieness.. i'll get there someday if i can get past of well the past.
everyone has always said me and my sisters were heaven, hell, and undetermined. Does this make me forever stuck between good and evil? forever being undetermined of which roads to go down and which steps to take..?
in this life i can take the so called "hard way" like the one sister or i can take the " easy way" like the other. BUT WHAT IF I WANT TO TAKE MY OWN DAMN WAY!? what if i want my own paths both easy and hard making this life MY life and not theirs? Because after-all that's the way it should be right.
Let's get one thing strait, i flat out refuse to end up in the dental feild so that alone keeps me from being like either of my sisters in the career point of this. But that still leaves us with all the other points of life like relationship or
"ships" persay because let's face it Cheyenne You're not her and you will not be with this guy forever sure it worked out like that for her but that sure as hell doesn't mean it'll work out like that for you too. she has the perfect guy, the perfect life even.
and then the other sister.. stuck with the guy everybody hated stuck with the guy who's no good, stuck with the guy who did nothing for her i could go on but let's not get carried away with that side of things as it just adds to my paranoia of this guy I've let into my life... who will he be? Will he turn out to be the guy that does nothing but drags me down and ruins my life yet i can't shake him so he sticks around for years until i finally say enoughs enough and move on... Or his he the guy who ends up being the so called
"one" if that even exists anymore..
You see through writing all of this i've gotten nowhere.. and here's my damn problem I know i'm not my sisters and never will be them but why can't i stop comparing myself my life and my realtionship to them and theirs? UUuuuuuugghhhhlfd.,fdmlkhclkushgfliwuejfgfausidfilusgfkgfreuigfvsfsau <-- yep that about sums up my feelings. just dlkwifhlskhflui. I JUST wish i could know all the shit's worth it that that that.. he's worth it i mean when i think about it sure she went through some shit but look at her now? she's fine and happy and that's all i want in my life to someday figure everything out and to be at a place of happieness.. i'll get there someday if i can get past of well the past.
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