Nightmares, Keeping you up at night.
Not wanting to sleep, Wondering what lurks in the shadows. Hiding from the light.
Ghosts, goblins, Monsters, imaginary things filling you with fright. Holding you against your will with all their might. But what if all of this is in your head? What then? There's no escape. No hero in his cape. No night in shining armor coming to hold you. What do you do? Fight. Fight them with all of your light. You're stronger than you think, You always have been. Just when you're about to lose it, your eyes close and you sink, Into your world of imagination. Where nothing can hurt, where nothing is real. Hiding from emotions, masking what you feel. Dreams becoming reality for those moments before you wake. Wondering how much of the darkness you could take.Lost between all of what is fake.

There was an island, somewhere off in the sea, where he sailed away for miles, After life's countless trials, Only to find himself at this land Lost somewhere, Where not even the pirates had dared to be. Alone, And guided by the stars which was all he could see, That's where he found me. Twinkling, In the darkness where I was meant to be. No longer hidden away, No more being stuck in life where all around me was black & grey.

 The things he'd speak, were words I could never say. But he couldn't stay. Not here, Not anywhere. His heart was made to wonder, His body made for sonder. How I longed for him to stay with me for longer. The forces between us were stronger than the sea. So I followed him into the blue, Because that was the only thing left for me to do. Captain, Oh, Captain.
 My ferocious  Pirate Even if my heart were to desire it,
 Don't let this lost girl drown.
Our starts were aligned, the contract has been signed.
 I am yours, and you are mine. Forever drifters lost at sea.
Just me, and just you.
Our Sails have been set into the roaring ocean blue.

Crying out to the Moon
almost a loon. Waiting for the morning light that comes too soon.
But the sunshine smiles
and it warms my soul filling the darkness and making me whole.
but the moon is never dull, and neither is life. Trudging on despite all the strife.
It cries for me and sees my tears, It listens to all my fears.
It knows the pain inside my years.
Of pasts gone by forever changed, often times making one seem deranged. Howling.
Knowing i’d never be the same, And that if I could be, I'd forever be lame.
But these tears are also filled with joy,
for when i live in the simple moment
I can laugh so hard my tears are heaven sent.
Even if my life has always been hellbent.
Crying Moon knows when life is real,  Crying moon teaches me how to feel.
the dreams I live are all revealed, No longer stuck inside or sealed. 
Happy smiles and gasps for air,
as tears fall in joy and despair. The good always outweighs the bad. 
The happy always outweighing the sad. 
this life is real but so are these dreams, the ones that have me on the edge of my seat bursting at the seams.
The moonlight has a beautiful gleam,  I'm no longer a lone wolf. 
And even in the darkness everything is as it seems. 

Step into the morning light, And bask in the beautiful sights. 

You are their sunshine, even if it has never felt that way, You have words to say. And they'll listen. Just step out into the light and let yourself glisten. 

I’m finally starting to realize that my radiance is something I cannot hide, Even though it’s something I've been known to keep locked up inside. When I look at myself in the mirror, after a night out, It can’t be any clearer Just how happy I've become, Yet there’s still sadness hidden behind the stars in my eyes. Hiding behind a life that feels like a lie. Where's that fine line,of belonging, when I get a sense of my thoughts and actions,
which are lies? The person I am, Seems to still be the person I am not.
And everyday I'm left with the thoughts....
I'm so lost, I want to figure it all out but what are the costs?
When did I let this guard down, Enough to let myself never get to frown... Even when my favorite people are around. I feel as if most days My heart is Out of me, and being dragged on the ground. Noticed, Stepped on, bruised, abused, there's a difference than if it were on my sleeve.
I wish I could let the thoughts leave. I wish I could let myself believe. That Who I am, Is who  I want to be. And that the struggles don't define, That thin thin line. Between myself, and me. there's definitely a difference, And even a sense of resemblance. But there's still work to be done here. Maybe this really isn't supposed to be my year. Nothing is clear.
Believe to see? Me?

So.... I once knew
This Australian named was matty & He was one of the best guitarists I've ever met (okay known) & had a heart of gold. And an amazing accent We used to talk to on a daily basis and almost 24/7 when doing so.
We talked so much I was on HIS schedule. And would drop everything nearly every time my kik went off because I knew it'd be him. I used to put up with His actions and choices in life solely because I believed nobody else would. And he deserved to get love in return for once. Mental or not he was human. An amazing one at that. I also understood him more than i'd like to admit. But anyways, Loving a friend on the other side of the planet wasn't easy....
By any means especially with him being such a flight risk.

He not only harmed himself but tried to kill himself on many occasions, So many that even after being re admitted to a home / hospital for the second time during our friendship after his most recent and longest disappearance.....
I thought he was dead. Legitimately and whole hardheartedly.
He had always warned me before going in, And within a few days he'd get his phone back and be allowed to talk to me again... heart emoticon But this time.... this time things were different. He never came back. No warning, No goodbye, No i'm sorry, Nothing. Not even posts or reblogs on his tumblr which i checked religiously for months....
No little D on my messages, Nothing. Just the pounding daily of my breaking heart as i'd try with no avail.
And although the thoughts of this ate me alive for a very long time i finally accepted it. I stopped checking, I stopped messaging.
I moved on and let go.
Today there was activity on his blog.... And soon there after I got that Ding of kik I've waited since mayish for....

I've never ever sighed so hard in my whole life, And you bet I burst into tears. I honestly don't foresee out friendship continuing any longer. He's still not okay / all there. And although he probably still needs me I cannot handle going through that ever again. But I never ever gave up hope on him. And i'm just so effing happy to hear he's doing okay.

I'm sorry for posting this on here.... He'd see it anywhere else and probably wouldn't feel too great about it. But I just needed to write about him and his beautiful soul. I feel like I'm about to let him down. But you can't save everyone. In fact You can't truly save anyone...... And it's about time i cared more for myself than someone / anyone else. I know now that he's okay. And it's really freeing not to worry about the unknown anymore.

I find it funny I spent my day listening to this.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKFzXhep-Vs
And apparently there was a reason. smile emoticon heart emoticon

I just Can't even right now.

I prayed and I prayed And just when I had given up hope you sent him to me.
Everything I couldn't see before became clear, My heart lights up whenever he is near.
The fear is no more, The need for control released, Happiness and  love increased.
The light shows through your eyes enough to light up my entire life.
Your heart is strong enough to restore everything I once lost.
I could've gotten what I wanted but at what cost? Losing the new for the old.
Story time and time again told. Learn to let go, Unanswered prayers give you everything you never though you't want.
Trust in God's ways, Trust in the things he does and has to say. And never ever forget to pray.

All it takes is acceptance to give up control, Gods ways are higher,
The life you wanted has no comparison to the one given. I am now so driven.

Striving to get my life back. What was once thrown off track, Was brought back to order, All because of him. All because of of you. Lord what am I to do?

You haven’t left my thoughts, not even once. To put it simply, I miss you, the way you would confide in me, it implied to me, that maybe, the portrait you’ve painted in my mind of you, is quite complicated, the bearing of your mind, dictated. Your words were beautiful, surely unmerciful, a bit graceful, despite the thoughts that drive them.
not the ones that recently developed but the dark ones, the ones that spark, causing ripple marks in the deep waters, in which unknown territory i wandered. Subconscious memories, of pain and torture, emotional pain, the type that influences the promotional slicing of the vein. I know you’ve been through a lot, your soul, baking hot, maybe a bit angry at the pain, no more left for you to gain, but wait, there is. The thought of you keeps me restless at the oddest hours of the day, but what I would love even more is to know that I have the same effect on you this way. Your heart is the only place I could ever call home,  you were  the greatest guy I’ve known. Despite all your flaws, Or your hurtful claws.  I just want to kiss you, to tell me that you trust your lips against mine, you’re so divine, c-can I call you mine ?  These emotions built up inside, I was scared to trust, didn’t want to rush, for I have been hurt, like you, my heart was ripped in two. It already feels like an eternity ago but my new found happiness gave me some certainness in you. and your decisions against me. a love that I’ve gradually learned from you. Sometimes I think in my mind that I’ll always be, willing to bet my life that you were meant for me, clouded memories an faithful breaths, breathe the night away. I love you . Do you love me too ? No you don't. and you didn't. I never was anything more to you than a filler, someone to pass the time with so you wouldn't be alone. all of this is now known. Yet i still catch myself wishing, wanting, desiring for your touch, for your lust, you love.