You haven’t left my thoughts, not even once. To put it simply, I miss you, the way you would confide in me, it implied to me, that maybe, the portrait you’ve painted in my mind of you, is quite complicated, the bearing of your mind, dictated. Your words were beautiful, surely unmerciful, a bit graceful, despite the thoughts that drive them.
not the ones that recently developed but the dark ones, the ones that spark, causing ripple marks in the deep waters, in which unknown territory i wandered. Subconscious memories, of pain and torture, emotional pain, the type that influences the promotional slicing of the vein. I know you’ve been through a lot, your soul, baking hot, maybe a bit angry at the pain, no more left for you to gain, but wait, there is. The thought of you keeps me restless at the oddest hours of the day, but what I would love even more is to know that I have the same effect on you this way. Your heart is the only place I could ever call home,  you were  the greatest guy I’ve known. Despite all your flaws, Or your hurtful claws.  I just want to kiss you, to tell me that you trust your lips against mine, you’re so divine, c-can I call you mine ?  These emotions built up inside, I was scared to trust, didn’t want to rush, for I have been hurt, like you, my heart was ripped in two. It already feels like an eternity ago but my new found happiness gave me some certainness in you. and your decisions against me. a love that I’ve gradually learned from you. Sometimes I think in my mind that I’ll always be, willing to bet my life that you were meant for me, clouded memories an faithful breaths, breathe the night away. I love you . Do you love me too ? No you don't. and you didn't. I never was anything more to you than a filler, someone to pass the time with so you wouldn't be alone. all of this is now known. Yet i still catch myself wishing, wanting, desiring for your touch, for your lust, you love. 

you make running away look so easy,
 A hero waiting to swoop in and save the day,
but if you want to play, you've gotta be willing to pay,
and i'm not willing to step up and pay the toll,
running from the past, wondering how long the happy could last.
running fast, without ever looking back, life on full blast.
looking down a boulevard of broken dreams, a life of wants busting at the seams, it's so hard.
forever torn between being stuck and just up and walking away, seize the fucking day, or sit here and let it go to waste, just thinking about it takes up too much space. My mind is blank, yet racing, I am one big fucked up contradiction that'll never make sense.
 living with myself is intense.
i'll understand if i never get where i want, because i'm not willing to try, i rather just dream hide and cry.
but why? Why can't i just reach out and take what i want, nothing is stopping me but myself.
i just want to break free, and get out to see, to adventure, to get out to venture, flying, soaring, out there in the world exploring. Instead of sitting here on my bed staring and the computer dreaming of the future. one i never see myself having.

And just like that, I let you back in. 

But don't you dare think this means i let you win. 

You thought your life was hell? Oh just wait until this begins. 

I'll fuck you up even as "Just friends" 

The love you think i still have for you is all pretend. 

This game is my bitch now and it's about to end. 

Check mate. 

Triple hate. 

This is my chance to feel, My chance to heal, I'm going to shock you like and eel. You'll wish none of it was real. In fact you'll think it was all a dream. But believe me when i say this hunny. Everything isn't always exactly how it may seem. I might have lost your game, But i won the war. 

It isn't over until i say it's over.
End game. Cheyenne 1
PLayer 2, 0

You're the sky, Wide open and full of wonders.
I am just a star, Fading away every time the sun shows itself.
We belong in each others universes, But we're not meant to ever collide.
Clouds will thunder, And rain, I'll gasp at how they so easily show their pain.
So graceful and Noticed by many for their roars or their annoyances.
In a world full of whores. I'm one of the only wholehearted-s left.
Shining bright every night for you, But you never notice. You're too busy wishing for the blues in the sky, I ask myself why....
Coming back every day just to hide me away, Having to dim my light too weak to shine and fight.
One day someone will see me for who i am, Maybe the moon will love me, Maybe the moon will see. That we're simply meant to be, You were just a day time cloud, And i was just a night's sky star.

where do i go from here, I say to myself as i fear the reflection of myself in the mirror.

I can't bare to look at me, This is never who i expected me to be. Why can't i let go of the darkness and let myself free, I stare into my eyes fearing what i'll see. Black all i see is black, nothingness i can never get back, my fangs glisten and ache, I wonder how much of this i'll be able to take. Before the bloodlust takes over, Before i let go of the light.

I sense myself giving into the fright. the feelings of the night. I want him, And the cravings are just starting to begin. I want my teeth sunk into his skin. But i can't let the dark side win. I still have Happiness stored, It just needs to be seen and adored. But the darkness left on hold grows bored. Tired of waiting to be seen. Wanting to beat out little miss peachy keen. Happy and hyper. Taking souls of those she chooses like a loveless viper. She sucks all she can. Before people turn and run. It's not for fun, she needs them to keep her alive and well. their energy is what keeps the dark at bay, And leaves the light on during the day. But everyone she loves seems to hide. And run. Because she clings and suffocates. Taking the lives from those who loved her. Unsure of why she can't keep them around. falling to the ground she curls up and cries. Hoping the love in her doesn't die. She just wants to be loved, but the darkness can't seem to let her.  Grasping her victims and hanging onto them until there's nothing left. Like a thief in the night she steals their last breaths, Without anyone ever noticing just how toxic she can be. 

I think that’s very common to a lot of us.

To find ourselves putting question marks where God has put periods. I know I’ve struggled with this quite a lot But lately it's intensified and it’s so frustrating because logically I know that God ended things for a reason, but my heart can become so dependent/reliant/attached that I sort of push God’s voice away and try and justify these feelings and actions. 

It’s so difficult because to go through periods of feeling okay without the person, but then  remember things about them and it’s like God’s voice is less prominent and just dwell and dwell on “why.” It’s like this void has opened up and that feeling of being ‘unable to bare’ life without them is overwhelming. I couldn't help but be selfish and  think these thoughts and feelings were brought back to me For the reason I wanted.

 "Maybe Time was needed away from each other to grow"

" Maybe this time things could be different.".... No 

These thoughts are multiplying because you continue to have a refusal to give up control and let God take over your life completely. In the times you did not falter you were blessed with so many great new beginnings, So many better memories, Surrounded by people who would strengthen yourself and your relationship with him. Fear not, With a heart like yours it will over feel. Which leads to moments like these. It's okay to stray, And doubt. So long as you never let go of what you know. 

Take more time to Focus on God’s promises, and the unfathomable love He has shown you. I think this will help to remind  that letting go of the things God calls us to let go will be difficult, but not impossible, and that letting go of those things can bring myself closer to God Himself. He is always with me. Even when it may not feel like it. 

Despite the pain and the heartache often involved with these things - we know God has a better plan and a better way. We know that choosing God is never wrong 

Please remember that ‘time heals all wounds.’ Slowly, as you begin to lean on God more and fill that void with hope in Him, the heartbreak won’t be so devastating and the memory itself could potentially turn from a sad one to a hopeful one because it could be a time you turned to God and  time you accepted His refuge and a time you grew with Him! 

No man is an island. You are not deserted or alone. God has placed such amazing people in your life all because you let the others go. Don't go back on that. Let go. Remember this is just one of those nights. But tomorrow is a new day, To wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world. He has given you the things you needed to finally FINALLY let go. Don't let yourself try and hold onto something toxic just because you miss not being alone. Move forward. If you keep bringing negative baggage from yesterday into today, it will poison your future. You may have had an unfair past, but you don’t have to have an unfair future. You may have gotten off to a rough start in life, but it’s not how you start that matters. It’s how you finish.