My heart sinks whenever we have to say goodbye 
how hard I try not to cry 
I  that I promised that I would be strong 
But the days until I see you  seem so long 
Time likes to play tricks and deceives my mind 
I  go through the day feeling fine But lately 
 when I finally talk to you, you're day is almost done 
Leaving no time for me ,no time for us, no time for sun 
I  tell you I miss you, but those are just words 
I tell you I'm fine when it actually hurts 
I could tell you I love you, but it isn't enough 
Deep down I'm dying, but externally tough 
Everyday that goes by I long to be with you 
Everyday that goes by I feel like I'll burst 
Not a day goes by when I don't think of you first 
But I just have to remember, that one day it will be 
Worth all the pain to have you near me 
Worth all the pain to have you close 
To have in my life what I want the most.
when you leave all that's left is a ghost. 
You mean so much to me don't you see.
that when you're not around it seems like there's nothing left to me.
i don't know how long this will last, for i just can't let go of the past. 
i'm still so scared of getting hurt, thinking you'll drop me down in the dirt. 
i love you that is true. and i'm sorry if I've made you feel blue. 
you'll have all of me one day you'll see. But for now baby just let it be. 
i have issues let's leave it at that. stop your whining don't be a brat. 
if you can't handle it then let me know, and we'll leave things Be 
Sometimes i wish you could see. The way i see you, and the way i see me.   
 i hope you'll hold me dear, and know that you always have my heart near. 
 I meant it when i said i loved you and i hope that i let it show, baby please don't ever let me go. 

this is my safe haven..

I feel like I can never really say what's on my mind anywhere but here... and for some reason it's posting things here that really helps. i don't need replies, i don't need readers.. i just need to know what i've said is out there instead of just sitting in some journal. it's weird that i rather write things here than there but whatever. I just hope this blog doesn't come back to bite me in the ass someday.. Nobodies perfect. luckily for me i'm a nobody.

I wish I wasn't so afraid to go out in the world and face all my fears with confidence. I’m so terrified of rejection…and oh so terrified of intimacy. I’m afraid that if I get into something important - like a relationship that I’ll mess everything up and end up alone again. I'm scared of falling and i'm scared of failing. it's safe to say that I've "already fallen" Because in reality i'm not longer falling i love this man and luckily he caught me.... But that doesn't stop the fears, I still feel like i'm going to get dropped. And who knows maybe he will drop me just like everyone else has but i shouldn't let that fear keep me from something that could end up to be a good thing. Sure he frustrates the crap out of me and sure i still feel like he's hiding things and i still feel like things could turn sour at any moment but gah damn it's about damn time i let go of all of those things. I need to let go of everything, i need to let go.... But i can't Why....? Okay enough about falling i talk about that enough probably too much.. I know that at some point i'll have to suck it up and get my ass back into school but i'm just so damn scared of the unknown and so damn scared of failing. failing in school, failing in life, failing at everything.. these thoughts tend to haunt me late at night when i'm on my umpteenth tv show episode or movie. they have no point, they're not helping me at all if anything they're just making everything worse. I have these expectations of life but how am i supposed to make them happen if i can't even force myself to leave my room half the time let alone Do anything important in my life. I know i'll be someone someday and i know all of these thoughts are pointless and they're doing nothing but holding me down and making things worse but damn i just can't seem to shake them... I'm lonely and need to get out more let's just start there it's something at least. one step closer to really living..