You don't text me because you don't want to get attached. Yet the second we do start to text you go right into things THAT GET ME ATTACHED. Maybe cuddles and kisses do little for you. But for me they do a lot. A LOTTA LOT. As does the  flirting. And i can't stand it. This back and fortieth kills me.

Don't make me fall if you have no intentions of catching me.  I get it i'm good at making you happy. I'm good at making your life better.... But once i need you in return or have bad moments you disappear or don't reply. Making me worse.... Much worse. I give in and text you normally repeating the fucking cycle. And all you seem to do is make it worse. Yet i can't keep away. Why? Because you seem to make me feel better and give me hope in this crap life. You help me see that life goes on and that there's other people out there willing to like and or love me... You always feel the need to leave me hanging. I don't need repeats of the feelings anthony left.... Yet maybe that's what i cling to? it's all i know and all i'm used too... So many i cling and am attached because you're familiar  in a way.. I guess. Forver broken and stuck in a never ending cycle of waiting. And false hope. And kindness mistaken for flirting. Blah Blah Blah... The list goes on. But hey..... I'm working on figuring shit out and maybe just maybe one day the cycle will be broken. And i can be fully happy and live the fairy tale once again.

I AM STARVING.

and i'm scourging around for any bits of food in the house that i can find that has any taste i can at least TRY to enjoy. I'm going mad.  It's bringing me back to diets and to starvation and to hating myself but more than hating myself hating my PARENTS. For making me diet in the first place. I'm tired of this feeling and i'm really pissy it's back. I LIKE FOOD. i enjoy food. FOOD MAKES ME HAPPY. and right now i'm fucking far from it. I'm in a crap place and excuse me for at least wanting to enjoy what food i force into my mouth. I still have days where i don't eat. or where i eat very little. BUT it's on MY terms. and it's because I WANT TO. not because "i'm forced too" And honestly lately i'm being forced to be hungry and being forced to starve.

If my dad took me to the store it'd be far worse. He'd purposely buy food i'd never eat and then yell at me for complaining  of hunger. I understand my mom isn't feeling well. BUT I STILL NEED TO FUCKING EAT. I'm tired of feeling like i'm eating scraps and dieting again. I wouldn't be awake right now if i could be sleeping i would. Not just to escape the hunger, but to escape my life. I hate it.

I hate everything lately. And it's mostly my fault. I'm here because of me. And only i can change it blah blah stay positive blahblah... Whatever. I'm over it. And i'm over everything. I'm done. I'm done being me. And i'm done being alive. Fuck it i'll starve. I'm already dead inside anyway so why not just sit here wishing i had a bigmac and fries to make me happy. Because let's face it that'd be amazing for about two seconds. Until the guilt for enjoying it and for eating it kicks in and i feel like throwing up. It'll last for days. I'll hate myself for eating that. but damn it's always worth it. I'm so used to hating myself. Hating myself for eating. Hating myself for not trying hard enough when i was dieting. Hating myself for falling in love. hating myself for believing. The list goes on and on and on. And it always will.

I just wanna pig out and then hate myself for it. Or not. Maybe this time i won't hate. But still FUCKING FEED ME DAMN IT. I'm done eating tasteless bullshit i find around the house. it's all old and gross and un enjoyable. If i'm gonna hate myself for eating. I might as well eat stuff that tastes amazing or at least good. This is annoying. I can't get out of this hell. Believe me i've tried. Things keep bringing me back down.

Forever torn between sleeping forever And never sleeping again.

When depressed sleeping and or good dreams are a big part of life. They're something to keep you going, Something to keep you happy. But lately it's just a bunch of crap. I wake up exhausted and un happy. My dreams lately were finally becoming happy again. Which in return was making me well pretty damn happy. And then they turned tragic with weird plot twist endings. Such as finally finding my first starFish on the beach with friends and family only too soon see my dog die tragically by what seemed to be a shark? Or something. Why was my dog even with us at the beach? Where did he even come from!? Where'd the food truck go? i never got my order. The sun went away and the skies turned grey. Then BAM wake up flustered and filled with anxiety for no reason really.  
But i guess thoughts of loosing something else at this point in my life is just scary as hell. I've lost enough lately i can't bare anything else damn it. Not even if my dogs annoying or loves my dad more than me.... Still can't loose him or face anymore changes in my life.

Another dream i had was i finally heard from Anthony again.... Only to be teased and told he was only here for a moment for he had to leave again suddenly. Which my luck will probably happen eventually months from now >.< Because let's face it, i'm totally going to let him walk right back into my life wether it's what should happen or not. I can't help but still want him in my life. He made a great impact and he needs to come back and fill my voids so i can be whole again. Or at least help me try to fix myself. Anyway that's totally off point and i should've written this yesterday/ sooner so i could remember the dreams and write them out... But of course now all i can remember is waking up with my heart racing and with horrible anxiety. I usually rolled over and went back to sleep just for it to happen over and over and over again until i finally pull myself awake and out of bed. But today i couldn't fall back asleep. And welp here i am writing fully awake at 7 Am. Ugh yuck!....

On another note my phone is having problems and i'm extremely frustrated and freaking out. Because afterall freaking out is what i do best lately. Anyway it's refusing to charge. Or upload photos and is also running out of storage space. I've deleted so much already that it pains me to even think about deleting anything else if problems consist. For once though i've spoken up to my parents about this and told them i needed it to be looked at and fixed and they seem to be applying. Or at least somewhat willing to help me get it fixed. Afterall it's not my fault or something i did. It's a interface import problem which is apparently common in samsung S3's.  I LOVE MY PHONE. ok. and I'm addicted to it and rely on it.... I can't deal. I need it lately more so than ever. Texting people is what's keeping me happyish and as sane as can be lately. And i'm awaiting a text i probably won't get from a guy i'm crushing on haha. Or my luck i'll be called for once and won't be able to answer >.< Ugh i'm just so over everything. Honestly falling asleep and never waking up sounds better and better every minute. Too bad that would make me dead. And would hurt so many people in return for my selfishness. I'd be dead by now if i wasn't so caring for others. They're what keeps me alive and they don't even know it. Or try.

Demons of ,falseness and fear.

you held me in the smoke as the fire started to burn around us. 

As I was being consumed by the Treacherousness,  you stood up, standing tall and proud over me, watching me gasp for air. Staring at what you've done. laughing as you watch everything we loved burn. I to wiggle my fingers as a way of reaching out to you. Hardly able to move them or even speak.  You picked me back up and waited, waited for me to die in your grasp I saw the fury  in your glowing fiery red demon eyes. flashes, of our life showing in the mists of the darkness.  the persuasion and  manipulation we  saw it all. For you it fueled the spark in left in your heart. For me it caught everything I had left on fire. Left here dying, watching it all burn.  

You couldn't have  saved me, for you were stuck in the hell as well. But you had the means to call for help. To scream, to cry out to rant and yelp. But you didn't. You wanted us to die all along. It was always apart of the plan. I should've saw the warning signs along the way and turned and ran. But i didn't i clung to you. Like gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe. Nothing more nothing less. a shot here, a stab there, digging the whole deeper into my chest. 
We fell, and got stuck in our own personal hells. lies, and words buzzing in my ears ringing like bells. trying to set me free, trying to help me be. i was bewitched, and bound by your spells. For this love of mine, i thought we were the same. In all it was just a big puzzle, nothing but a dumb game. After all was said and done.  You had remained. You made it out alive. And i wasn't able to survive. I was burnt to ash and dust. Left deep under ground to rot and rust.  Left in the cold and dark, with nothing left but the original spark that started the flames. You ripped it from me, right out of my heart, to give to what's her name? That was the plan all along right? what you wanted from the start? Her love for you was what tore us apart. And now here i am stuck in the ground. No heartbeat, No breath, No spark.  Can't even make a sound. For there's nothing left. Nothing but rotting flesh and decaying bones. Guess this is what it feels like truly being alone? Nobodies here, nobodies home. Nobody even see's what you did. They don't even know i'm gone. Guess it's because in the end I've already been dead for far too long. I hope you remember me when you hear our songs, and i hope you realize everything that you did wrong. For all the love in your heart is dead, and long gone. But my dear, that's just the thing. It always has been this way, you just never knew that i would have stayed. I gave you pieces of my heart, and you took them for granted. Are you Blessed or cursed? this part was never read, nor rehearsed. For the ending to this story is forever unknown and you left forever enchanted. all because you took the wrong girls heart for granted.  

I really should stop running to everyone expecting people to give me answers. Or thinking talking about my situation will ever make it easier or help me to move on. It's honestly just holding me back, and pushing good people in my life away because it's all i can talk about. He's all i can talk about. But i can't help it. He's in my head and in my heart and i can't help but feel like i'm better off dead. after all it's how I've felt from the start. I was fine for awhile. But then suddenly all the feelings and false hope came crawling back into my brain. Causing me to loose what's left of my brain. Letting loose probably does nothing but make people think i'm insane. or obsessed. and it's true, i am. i can't get past this. I was trapped and stuck before and now i'm fucked. Only i can save myself. But i don't know how. He pieced me back together before i really ever fell apart and now i'm here. on my own, left alone to try and pick up the pieces. he smashed everything i had been working on and have done with my life over the past year. and i'm so full of fear. I dunno what to do. i can't keep living like this. but i don't want help. Help got me here in the first place. I just want support. And i know, i know i have it. but part of me just doesn't feel like it. because it's not his support. Why am i still so stuck on him? it's not like he ever really supported me in the first place. Guess in the end he got what he wanted and escaped this hellish place to win the race. And now he's gone, probably not forever. when he comes back he'll just shove it all in my face. Ruin everything again, and leave me alone once more, bruised and over sore. lost alone, and at war. 

Out with the old, in with the new?

Moving on is something i've never seen myself capable of doing. But it's something that must be done. It's a part of life. People come and go, people suck, people hurt, blah blah boohoohoo. I've gotta pick up the damn pieces and get over it. I can't spend everyday thinking, Over thinking about things that only hold me back and weigh me down. Sure it's going to take time and it's going to be hard. But that's how everything is. I'm constantly fighting myself on what to do. I want you so badly still, Even after being hurt, Even after knowing i'll never get you... How does one move on and forget someone who meant so much? even if there's pain and hurt involved....

Time doesn't stop for anyone, and i'm dumb to sit here thinking i can wait months and months for your return expecting everything to be fine again. Because IT WON'T BE. i'm not what he wants, and i hardly ever was what he wanted. So why sit here wanting to change the facts when i know i can't. It all feels like a dream, that went horribly wrong and turned into a nightmare. Honestly  i'll never understand how a guy like you feel into my lap. Nor will i understand how it all fell apart. I knew, I knew what i was getting myself into when i signed up for falling in love. But what i didn't know was how much of you would still be hidden away. I worked so hard getting you to open up to me. And in the end it all came crashing down on me. So much it slowly in the process of making you smile, I lost mine. I lost everything even myself. I was but a lost girl when you found me.... but oh how i've worsened. I only wish i could blame it all on you. But in reality it's all me right? Cause that's how i see it, How i'll always see it.

Not good enough, Not the one you wanted, Just the girl you couldn't let go of.... You can't have us both, it's a cold hard shame that you lasted so long keeping us both tied around your finger. Even when i knew, i didn't want to. I was way happier being blind. You were the light in my dark and now i can't even see my hand waving in front of my face. I run to anyone willing to give me attention and what do i get? nothing. I get nothing. Guys don't want me, not even as friends. I'm too, too i don't know. I just want to feel loved again. This whole being alone things sucks. But what sucks the most is not being able to remember how the hell i lived before i had met you. Before i had lost myself in you. Who am I isn't the question, It's who was I? And who has she become.... I handed you a knife and my heart and now the dream is over. How could i be so blind? i guess i fell in love to quickly. but i'm fiiiiiiiiine..... Yeah i went there Alesana lyrics are still fitting for us. That's our god damn band and always will be. Someday, i'll rip your damn shirt off her body and give it back to you. Fuck that shit. It kills me that you'd even let her have it. Did it really mean that little to you? I rather your parents throw it out than her fuckin have it. I gave it to YOU. if i can't have it, and you can't have it ANYONE anyone else should have it. And let's not even go into her running around using your last time. Ha fucking ha. I'm done ranting. i could go into so much more but i'm going to regret this enough already. So let's not and say we did. Calling it a day. Or well night.

I'm getting so annoyed with myself. I don't like where i am, or the person i'm becoming and i don't know how to fix it. I'm too broken and i no longer feel or seem fixable. I'm in a dark place with no end in site. Not even an oncoming train about to crash into me. Nothing i see nothing but darkness, With sudden flashes every now and then. Filling the complete emptiness and darkness for only awhile. I'm running to guys to fix me, and i know damn well they won't / can't. But they help so much...? Even in friendship we're flirty and they give me hope.... Even if it's false hope or if they're leading me on... it helps to know in some way i'm wanted and can start anew on this journey alone. Being alone isn't so bad is it? But being an annoying attention whore won't get me where i want to be. Nor will the happiness i get from it last.I run out of things to say, and then get frustrated when they stop replying....
 Or they get busy and no longer have time for me. I rely on people far to much. I feed off of them and there energy and i just need it. I need someone. I want someone. Someone to be cliche and stupid with. Someone who makes the darkness and sadness go away... Someone i'll fall head over heels for  even though i doubt they'll do so in return. see that's my problem. i get attached, and swoon and eventually start to like the person, and or want to talk to them 24.7 and i can't be like that. I'm not ready for a relationship again hell i don't even think i can handle a flirtationship but fuck i want one. Just for the hell of it to make things better for awhile, but i know in the long run..... it'll just make me worse. And i honestly fear myself already, i don't even want to think about how i'd be if i got worse. I know reality doesn't work the way i want it too.... I miss being called baby. and having someone to wake up to, or having a reason to ever wake up again. I miss being held. and being told everything was going to be okay. even if it was all lies and wasn't to be okay.. it helped. For someone who hates not knowing, i was far happier and better off never seeing or hearing the truth. I miss it, and him so much but i know i know fuck how i know that i shouldn't. 

 But i'm not strong anymore, i've become a distressed damsel who actually needs someone to swoop in and save her. Maybe i just need more friends, or a friend. to rely on, and to help.... Or maybe i need more god, or a fucking therapist. But all i know is that i want someone to save me. Because at this point i don't see myself being saved. Ever.  Not on my own, i'm far to weak and in pieces. i can't pick up the pieces. for he stole them. and i can't get them back. i have to grow, and start a new. until i'm fixed. Nobody's going to be the one who saves me. But it's what i'd like. I just want attention, and love. And to be held forever. But life doesn't work like that. Luckily part of me know's life doesn't work like that. tis why i'm out of hope. and will probably be stuck here for a long while. I just want someone new, someone to give me reason. Someone to make me smile, and do their very best to keep me smiling. i just hate being alone, i got the taste of love and happiness and peaked into the future. and i need it back. Even with someone new or own my own even i need it all back. I miss who i was, and how i was before and i don't see it ever coming back. 

NO facebook i did not go to Deland high. Thanks for reminding me on my crushed childhood dreams though. Oh and honestly though, after the past few months it's probably a damn good thing i'm far from Deland. and am home schooled. I'd be attacked probably online and psychically by my uh "exs" rein of bitches. Crazy bitches.
All hail king anthony, thou shall love him forever even though we're broken up, and thou shall remember he does no wrong and it's all the girls faults. HA yeah right. You were the puppet master. You did nothing but control me, and then turn around to play the victim. Oh my family, Oh my mind, Oh but i love her. Bullfuckinshit. That's all nothing but an excuse and a way out. How you treated me was wrong and you're apologies do nothing anymore. I saw past your flaws because i love(d) you....
 But that no longer vogues for the crap you put me through and for all the mixed signals you've sent. I'm tired of playing ring around the Rosie. The game is over, and you have won. I fell down, We all fell down.