Abandonment issues.... Leading back to my aunt!? Or too Anthony? that is the question.

I've been dealing with a lot of fucked issues lately. One of the mains being feeling abandoned  by EVERYONE. And i can't figure out where these feelings come from. But people i get attached too ALWAYS LEAVE. Loose interest, Find someone else/ Better, Or just simply walk away as if i'm nothing.

Is this my fault or theirs? And is this why i long for new people to talk to all the time? Yet sit here alone wondering where and why i went wrong. Out of fear of getting too attached to quickly which i do... i stay closed up and alone. Instead of how bubbly and open and happy i used to be. I miss that person so much.


I used to relate to everyone, There were so many sides to me i could walk up to anyone and be a friend and someone to talk to. But not anymore. I'm too confused and too stuck inside my mind to even talk to people i know anymore. Unless i'm really close to them and they put up with me spacing out or making no damn sense half the time. But when i look back on my life and my friendships.... Mostly everyone leaves.

I'd like to think it's them and not me... But the more i think about it The sadder i get. Because it probably is me. I get boring really quick. Talking to me gets old. Even if i try far to hard to keep up the pace i'm a teenage who does nothing. I have nothing to talk about. So after a few weeks or days or months even. Bye Bye friends. They loose care and sight and start to treat me like i don't even exist. It's like i'm there for people so so much and then when i turn around they stop needing or wanting me. And leave. Let's not even talk about when i need someone to be there for me in return. Because honestly TWO PEOPLE have ever stuck with me... and even then one of them i was never close too until now. And she lives within walking distance from my house... How sad. But now luckily i'm so happy to say she's my sister my chosen non blood related sister. She's there for me. And is the best person a girl could ask to have in her life. When i'm with her and her family.... I actually feel like i belong or like i'm apart of a family. I don't get that even with blood relations.

I'm tired of craving people. And tired of putting my all into things that never ever last. Maybe it is my fault. And maybe i will always have this emptiness and longing for more relation but so be it i guess. It's too much for me anymore. I'm done changing and i'm done trying too damn hard to make people stay.  You wanna walk out? Walk the fuck out. But don't come crawling back when you're bored or need someone. I refuse I REFUSE.