You know those attachments you get to people when you talk to them Throughout the day everyday for a certain amount of time?... And how they always end. Life get's boring or busy and you loose than connection. You stop talking daily... You stop telling each other what happened throughout the day and how it was. I'm having issues with this. Not really sure what  "this" is.. But it's defiantly an issue. In my book anyway.
I think that's what i miss the most about my relationship. It got crappy and i got cliny as hell... But at the end of the day we still talked daily... well mostly. And everytime we'd talk it was good ole hearty conversation. Explaining our days in details... Probably because i made him or he felt obligated to. But now it seems if i'm to ask someone how their day was and what they did... they ignore it. Or reply crapily. Saying it was good or ok.... with no explination about it. End of conversation end of texts bam done over. I can only deal with so many hey... hey... what's up... nothing.... Conversation. I'm left craving more... wanting more... and i don't know if it's because i have no life and just kind of lye here. Or because i miss the connection i had with anthony? Not him lately... just the connection... waking up to someone falling asleep to someone... blah blah the routine and familiarity. I've been doing pretty well life wise lately... And mood wise lately.... But what goes up must come down.... and well I'm down again. Not way way down like before... But down.

Like halloween started off ok... and then just got worse and worse... and then today is bad all together. Reasons still pretty much un known though. I was happy and sane throughout  my day/ night yesterday because i was talking to someone. And today being alone again well makes me bad again i guess? And it's not just because i rely on other people for happiness but because i enjoy having that person to talk to. That person to be there for me when things are bad. Or good even. Not ALL DAY EVERY DAY talking but ya know throught the day here and there hey hi hello is nice.... Bleh. I guess i'm just hella lonely and don't want to feel like this anymore. It doesn't help at all that the person i'm crushin on is over two hours away.... and is popular as hell. Very wanted by people ALL OVER. it makes me jealous. i'm a green ass jealous monster which only add fuel to the fire of my depths of hell. It's not that he's out of my league or doesn't like me back or talk to me.... it's that i know he has fans and a following... and many many girls just like me... But better. And after being cheated on.... even if he's not mine.... and i have no control over him what he does or who he talks too.... I want to ask him to watch what he says to people because i'm a creep. A possessive obsessive creep. which is bad.... really bad.... And i've only gotten worse with it lately... But that's another thing for another day or whatever. Not important. What's important is that i'm attached to this dude when i can't and shouldn't be. I can't ask him to talk to me all the time. And to only put attention and happiness and cuteness all into me....    it's not fair or right. Like at all, But the problem here is him being popular makes me want his attention more.... and more often.... Because of course i now feel like whenever we're not talking he's saying the same shit to other girls or spending time talking to other people... Horrible i know. I'd like to say this is what being cheated on does to people... But that would just be putting the blame on someone and somewhere else but me. And the problem here isn't him, or Anthony or my friends who hardly talk to me... It's me. I am the problem. As is my life. My life is becoming a problem. I'm enjoying waking up and being active ish during the day now.... But i do nothing. I sit around and do nothing. Which is not living. it's loathing. And wallowing. In self hate and pity... and in other realities like movies and being online far to much... Same shit different month. Hello November. Please don't suck. October was alright. But didn't live up to my standers of October. LIKE AT ALL. But then again i bet you neither will the rest of the year. 18 is vastly approaching and i'll never be ready for it. I hate change but i'm so sick of this hell. I want out. But i no longer have the lights or the hands to guide and help me out. Blah blah sure be you're own hero... blah blah.... yeah tell that to the un broken Cheyenne. The princess who used to the hero of her own damn story. Because believe me. She says that to herself all the time and nada. She needs the push and the help.