Not loving you is harder than you know.

I've been putting all my time, energy and words into pages of a book that i forgot this existed for awhile. But it's time i let go of said book and start writing here again. Or at least in another book. I was such a silly pitiful little girl in 2013. But i assure you, And myself that i'm not anymore.
I'm still silly and maybe even pitiful in some things. But not at all how i once was.
I spent so much time and false hope one someone and something that never mattered. I started to loose track of the world slowly spinning around me. It's honestly hard to believe i have anyone left by my side. And it's even harder to believe it's not only a new year but it's already the 18th of said new year.

Anthony was a big part of me, a part of me that now feels dead and missing. He made up for half of my brain and half of my heart. And it hasn't been the easiest thing to get over.
And believe me i'm not done on that journey pretty sure i never fully will be.  But it's time to stop holding onto the past and false hope that he'll change his mind. Or come back changed. Neither of these things would benefit me even if they were to happen. After he left i started writing to him in a journal which was also filled with pictures and drawings. Time, memories, feelings, pieces of me. Things he'll never care about like i do. Things he'll never care about period. So it's time i let go. It's time i start over completely. I tried to on new years.... But uh it didn't work out or go as planned.

I'm weak ok. And he's my biggest weakness.
But he won't be for long if i can help it.
All his shit aside, I'm feeling stuck once again. Surprise, Surprise. I haven't moved in life since i don't even know when. Probably 2010? i have done things, i have felt things, but i take a few steps forward a hell of a lot back... And bam i'm back where i started. When will my life begin?
 *sung in the tune/ tone of Rapunzel* Like honestly i want it too. but my anxiety is so bad i can't even.
My friends are all back in school and i'm just kind of here.... watching full seasons of shows on nextflix in two days. Which is a skill of mine it seems. But part of me wants to be like them to feel accomplished when i graduate this year to feel as if i actually cared and tried... But at the same time i'm comfortable. too fucking comfortable. when 18 rolls around i'm done for. Completely Screwed.