you Guy's Don't Get It Do You? the second more detailed let's hope i don't get called crazy part.

i repeat myself alot in this, the moral of the story is I'd love to die to die would be on awfully big adventure, but i'm not going to kill myself i'm not going to beg God to kill me because I'm to much of a wimp to kill myself. the moral and point of this story is i'm lost, yet i know exactly who i am, i'm sad yet i'm happy, i'm dead inside but i'm still alive on this beautiful earth in this wonderful universe created by some higher power that won't be talked about much in this post. that's another story for another time for another reason. Dear everyone even my online so called "friends" i'm not okay i'm done giving you all advice that i can't even use / take for myself i'm going to fix myself although surly i'm not broken. can't you see that i'm not happy,i put up this wall i do my best to please everyone to help out as much as i can, to do school without complaining even though we all know you could be spending that math money on something more worth while something that i'll actually use in life. i know the basics and that's really all i need to know. i keep thinking if i make everyone else around me happy first i'll be able to find my own happiness sure i feed off of people's energy but in the end i just want to please everyone else so i can work on myself. i spend all day taking care of other people and i usually spend the night working on myself... why else would i want to stay up till five just to wake up at 9 and do it all over again. i mean yeah i'm both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that can be possible. i don't always run to heathers for her you know. some nights all i can do is hope she'll pick up that phone and ask for my help i'm Lonely and when i'm with Aubrie it all goes away. the pain, the loneliness,the racing thoughts in my head. everything stops and for awhile i think i'm in some other universe where i can be alive with my aunt again. this doesn't mean i want to die, what Good would that do? all that would do is leave my nieces where i was left off. Scared, Alone, confused, guilty even. i'd never do such a guilty thing as take my own or someone Else's life, i may not be happy now but this too shall pass i'll find my inner self again i see her every now and again. she peaks Out when she Does things for herself, she has a different smile than the other side of me even her laugh is different, but i bet none of you have ever taken the time to learn to know this. for the longest time i thought i had finally found my place here in florida. i was truly happy for awhile everything was simple and genuine and Real. But it didn't Last Nothing ever does happiness isn't something that i can Get from anyone else. the Only way i'm going to find my self is to write it out like i've been doing, to get inside my head and find The things that make me tick. what triggers my mental brain scans when i do nothing but close my eyes and scan a room to make sure what ever sound was annoying me has stopped. i don't know why i do these things, i don't know why something as innocent could make me mad with the slightest sound or movement. part of me wants and easy fix, Drugs maybe? nope tried that i actually think that's what started this whole mess in the first place. i haven't felt the same since that day i started adding things to my body that would make me happy. obviously since i'm sitting here writing this that easy way out didn't work i can't say i don't like the drug's but the drug's like me because not only did i hate the drugs but they hated me back in return. i couldn't sleep, i didn't eat, i was too happy when i wanted to be sad. and i was to pissed when all i wanted to be was mellow. the easy way out is never the option to go with Nothing is ever easy. And when it is easy it's almost never works, or it doesn't last. i don't want to be like this, some day's i feel mentally incompetent and don't think i can deal with the daily task's of life. Now i;m not going to sit here and act like i'm fine because that would be a lie and that my friends would be beside the point of this blog and my writings lately. My point is i'm Okay really i am Life is beautiful my family may not show it well but they Love me, and although i may not show it i Love them. My mom is one of the strongest people i've ever met, and although i often feel like she doesn't listen or care she does and in a way i see myself in her. well i see her in myself. she's gone through the same thing's i have but let's view things from her eyes shall we, i may have Lost an aunt a best friend maybe But she Lost a sister i'd say that's much worse. she had to see her at her worst i didn't, i got to be with my aunt more those few day's than she did she didn't have that last few hours to say goodbye and i did sure i didn't know it was going to be goodbye, but i'd say throwing up in her car was a great way to end things don't you? okay so i was guiltily just know i'm not anymore i'm now guilty for other things. Such as being the one of the worst aunts shayla deserves better than that she doesn't deserve to be treated the way i treat her but i can't stop i've tried i'll get better at this shayla just you wait and see. rocky i'm sorry for letting you down i have some big shoes to fill and a rabbit would have been a good way to start but that's in the past i'm not going to get one i must move on and get the eff over it. sure i delt with a sister who had a drug problem i resented her for the way she treated shayla, i wasn't important anymore shayla and heathers safety were top priority's then but what about now well now we have aubrie and her needs those definitely come before my loneliness and how i feel. i can't even begin to imagine what my mom went through for the first few years of shayla's life Not only was she deal inng with me and my way's of acting out and being a stuck up none important bitch but she also had to juggle her parents, her oldest daughters problems and life and then a grand daughter who needed care and love how could she have hair left? mine would be all pulled out by now. sure i regret they way's ive acted and act but i can't change the past all i can do is change the future and hope for the best. i'm sick of the shame and the regret of the things i've done said or didn't do or say Just know i'm sorry. mom and everyone i really am sorry. my mom pisses me off when it comes to loosing weight she doesn't get what it's like to grow up fat she doesn't get the way i feel about my body and what people say. she also doesn't get how sick i really am sometimes sure i could see why i faked being sick all the time when i was a kid i was pretty much a pro at it but that doesn't mean i'd do that know i actually do hate doctors twilliger will forever be scared in my brain but not only but what if they just shake they're heads and call me fat? Or say i'm mentally ill and need to be monitored or put on even more drugs than the last time that failed. i don't want to be heavy anymore but that doesn't mean i'm going to take a pill eat all i want what ever i want when i want it and call it a day that's taking the easy way out. i work my ass off everyNight to try and loose weight i drink more water than an elephant and still i'm not satisfied i want more i want to work harder i want to get my heart beating so fast it hops out of my chest. but then i'd be dead so yeah my dad drove me crazy when he was under the stress Of going through school but i can't even fathom how it would be like from her perspective so no matter how much i say she doesn't get me maybe i really just don't get her she deserves more help than i give her but right now i just can't i seriously need to find out who i am and how i can be happy i feel like i say this to much but i really can't say who cheyenne is anymore i feel as if my likes and dislikes are all coming from other people and not myself. most of the time i feel like no one get's how i could possibly feel about this all my friends are skinny and beautiful and although we have the same problems i still feel like the out cast of the bunch. i hide my problems when i tell people the demons i fight on a daily basis i'm sure they think i'm lying you would to if you got to know me. i hardly let my dark side show, there's always that Shadow hiding behind me, No one ever knows what i'm feeling even the ones i love most. i'll bitch about somethings to some people but never like this. i'm sure if any of them ever read this they'd think i'm crazy or have problems and need help but i don't the only person that can get me through this is myself because in reality i'm perfectly fine, well i should be i have everything i could ever need to be happy i just need to finish sifting threw my past of mistakes,heartaches,broken promises,and hopeless dreams. see that's the funny thing about myself i don't need to talk about my problems i just need to write them down and think about them. i'm Done with the fake smiles and personality's and i'm done putting everything and everyone before me. i'm going to be the better person in this battle and out weigh the person who doesn't belong the person who's lost inside me the person who could never be found before yeah she's right here and she's here to stay. i'm not going to pretend i'm happy when i'm not and i'm not going to say i'm not the monster because i am. everyone is. most people would think if everyone was the same things would be different right i'm sorry but your wrong.