sometimes i feel mentally incompetent

i'd Like to take a second to fight for a Bunnie, even if i don't get one i'll feel better about the whole situation if i type it up and post it. when i write in a notebook i often don't make as much sense or get to the bottom of my problems as well Not Only that but i enjoy telling myself somewhere out there someone has found my blog and often feels the same way or has the same problems as i do even if no one reads this it's nice to at Least pretend my feelings and opinions are important to people. this blog isn't a cry for help it's more of an online notebook of a problematic teenage homeschooler. i don't care how Stupid this sounds But,

sometimes i just wish i had an excuse for what i Do i really well do. i wish i could say Oh it's okay that i'm a horrible aunt i have _______ or oh don't beat yourself up Cheyenne your only socially awkward Lonely and all your friends Leave you because you have _______  your A _____ i really wish as horrible as it sounds that i could say i have a small portion of autism , or i have  - inserts different mental disorders here- or i have some accurate psychologist worded out perfect definition of why i do things the way i do. certain sounds Drive me crazy, my mind is faster than my mouth, i have no brain filter, i word things horribly wrong to an extent where some people avoid me because of the weird things i do i try Not to show it but these things really do bother me. But i don't care for doctors and the last time i went to see a psychologist everything went horribly wrong. i truly believe i'm still messed up from the way that medicine worked... anyway i'm getting of Point how would you feel if someone said your niece was your arch nemisis? even more how would you feel in when you were a kid your aunt was the only person who really mattered to you, what i'm trying to say is i don't know why i can't stand my niece sometimes and i really wish i had the answers. you don't get it do you, i don't either so it's alright i Just want them to look at me the way i looked at rocky.
  i Love my niece (s) more than anyone could ever imagine and i truly wish certain things they do didn't annoy me as much as they do. all i've been able to think about lately is my aunt and our relationship how was she able to deal with me? where did her Patience come from? i was such a horribly annoying kid i could see why most people avoided me back then. i was merely a child when she died, as a matter of fact i was Only a wee bit older than my oldest niece is now. no one could ever get how much i think about this it haunts me even, My aunt made such an impact in those mere six years and what have i Done Nothing. all i've done is yell at her for things that aren't her or my fault, the day's i try to be close to her i can't something always stops me whether it's her voice are her low IQ okay it's not low she's actually one of the smartest kids i've ever met But for me it's low i don't do well with things Like that. Lately i've been making alot of changes in my life (as you can tell by my highly scattered yet hopefully  well written blog about these changes) and with my recent connection with my youngest niece all i can think about is my role in they're lives. will my relationship with one make the other break out in hatred and resentment for the way i treated her? will the other One shove it in her faces Like i did with my family as a kid...? what's to happen when Shayla's my age will she turn out anything like me will she even love me anymore i wouldn't blame her if she didn't. hell i'd take her side if she ended up hating me i know i've been a horrible aunt and i also know i have huge shoes to fill, but is it to late to change things.. No it's never to late what if i was to die within the next few years Like my aunt did would my nieces feel the same way i do about mine doubtful. i've always Loved animals still do always will, and so does shayla so why not take that and make it a way to fix our relationship. rabbits are calm and loving animals maybe we could both learn something from it. i could definitely learn a few tips in how to love, and she could definitely learn a few tips in being calm. I wanted it to be something we'd share a bond with something we'd both have to love and care for, she'd need me to teach her how to feed, brush,walk,hold,train,bathe, and love. i'd use a calm loving approach when teaching her these things i mean after all everyones right she's only a kid she doesn't understand why i'm always frustrated or yelling at her. Not Only that but i'm tired of being Lonely all the time all i really want is something to cuddle with, boyfriends are over rated and my pugs hate cuddling with me i made a spot for puglsey on my bed last week and right when i went to lay down next to him he scracthed me and ran out the door. he's my dads dog he listens and loves him not me. buddy's okay but he's to big he's a hog and he's hot. bunnies are calm loving creatures who love being loved really i picture myself laying on the couch reading a book or watching a movie with that cute little guy on my chest just knowing he loves and cares for me and has a heartbeat. ultimately he'd be shayla's yes but i'm sure i'd do most of the caring and such i was really looking forward to having a walking buddy. the dogs are to crazy when walking and it's a hassle just getting out of the house. i really needed this in my life right now i was looking forward to making shayla enjoy my company again and i was also looking forward to having a new little friend. i wanted the responsibility and the work i actually wanted to feed and clean and play and train David Vincent Poe damn it </3 i really needed him. it sounds stupid but i really do believe he'd help me achieve happiness. Not only that but if i can't be trusted with the loving and caring for something as simple as a small bunny how will i ever learn to live with and love shayla? how can i be responsible enough to care for myself at concerts, or care for a car and the people in it or around me if i can't even supposedly handle a bunny? am i missing something here? because i don't see any real reason why i can't have a bunny expect for the fact that you don't want me to be happy. even mom wanted a bunny, and you are constantly knocking me down when i make progress with myself i really thought i'd get you back when school was over but your the same, and i'm not okay with this. sometimes i do need negative comments, or directions/ orders from you but this is stupid. just when i thought i was finally getting close to you again you say or do something to push me away. i'll be fine dad, Now let me live a little. i want to love again now help me do it.