Hi, my names cheyenne genest I fail at sleep, and would give anything ANYTHING to go back to 2010... Also why do the ones we love end up hurting us the most in the end? Seems uncanny and bizarre.. Oh the things i think about at Night.... Le sigh. 

^ Status posted and deleted about said uh ten minutes or so ago. Going to elaborate a little and put my mind at ease so i can attempt to sleep tonight. I took 2010 for granted, I had an attitude towards my family that killed and what then seemed like not enough i look back on now and think wow i was stupid. Stupid for still being so unhappy when i had literally not a care in the world No means or needs of growing old i had friends whom became my family. I was in a teenagers heaven, i was smart and safe yet had a life A WONDERFUL LIFE one i see now that i often took for granted. I miss it so much i miss the happiness, i miss being out of the house almost every weekend, i miss the energy i had, I MISS MY SIZE and hair, i hated myself back then but damn i'd give anything to go back to it now. I mean sure in a way life is still pretty good and carefree but it's just not like it used to be. Ahh the good old days. I miss being the awkward 5th wheel believe it or not never thought i'd hear myself say that.. But it's true those four well Uh three meant more to me than anyone. Sure i was "in love" With both guys at one point in time. Guys i also saw as an older brothers.. but i was dumb to think i'd ever have a chance with them anyway. My mom was more willing to drive me places so i saw them more often than i probably deserved. I had just gotten out of an abusive "friendship" and well i was lost. 
So damn lost but i found them, and they were and always will be my misfits. And oh boy believe me this miss misses her fits. 
Speaking of all of this i just looked down to check the time and caught a glimpse of the date. Le sighs one month left until my birthday really? FUCKIN REALLY? what happened to this year? I've spent the whole year wasting away to basically nothing. I AM NOTHING. i have become nothing. I just lay here and take it. Take whatever life throws at m e, Which is never much of anything important. It's usually just drama unneeded drama. Or anxiety usually caused by said drama. Ugh. I love life, But i also hate it beyond control. Every time i start to think i've gotten my shit together life throws something at me all LOL nope sucks fur yooouu. 
Oh wow boy oh boy i'm happy today life what's to be thrown at me next? A new bitch that can't hop off my boyfriends dick? Or how about another bad stressed out day at work after a sleepless night. Or better yet i fear next time somethings thrown at me it'll be school. Something i'm most definitely NOT ready for. 
I
Why do the ones we love always seem to hurt us the most? We accept the love we think we deserve. That quote has always hit me.. Hit me hard. But  that's just it, I don't think i deserve him. Or anyone for that matter. My minds a god awful place lately. It's become so so dark and well not very nice to itself. back to the questions. Questions that have no answer really...  Is it because we love them and are vulnerable? Or maybe because we love them it gives them the ability to easily hurt us? They love us back... They shouldn't be the ones that hurt us the most. In fact they shouldn't hurt us at all. But they day. Oh believe me they do. I've had my fair share of hurt and pain from loved ones. Isn't it about time i caught a break and was able to stay happy for more than a few days at  time? I used to be so strong i used to think nothing could break me.... And now i'm more fragile than glass it seems. I can't tell if this is caused by my life and how it is right now and as of late. Or if it's just meant to be.. I mean after all at the end of the day... I really am just human... iiick Human. More like Lonely hybrid but eh let's not get into that on here right now.. Or like ever.