My mind hasn't really been the best place lately and quite frankly i'm getting to a point where i'm scaring myself. Because i honestly don't see life getting any better any time soon. I'm over it, all of it.
The only person who can pull me out of this is the same person that makes me fall deeper and deeper into the hole.. I know that's confusing but it makes sense to me and that's what matters. Can't live with em, can't live without em. No but really i can't live without him.... It's not easy to keep him around lately but i can't i just can't let him go... I want to believe him, and i want him in my life more than anything or anyone.... But it feels toxic. I can't help but compare him to my sisters past relationships which is god awful because comparing does nothing but make the situation worse but i can't help but over think it.
Oh to be young and in love, IT SUCKS. nough said. I don't regret keeping him in my life, But i do still fear that our life is just a lie. What if's are deadly. Over thinking kills. BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT STOP. it won't go away.... i can't shut it out and i can't shut it off. and i just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i'm going to loose friends over this because they all see right through him... They don't see him how i do... and i fear that they're the ones that are right. I don't want them to be right. But literally all the signs point to it.
Yesterday sucked, I have never hit that point of depression to where i went from thinking about death and wanting to die... to actually contemplating and thinking about how to do it and why.... and that's scary as fuck lemme tell ya. I thought i had lost him, I thought he was a liar and a cheat and i had been just another one of his pawns in his stupid game of life. But of course once he finally called everything was explained a lil and everything was fine. Or was it......? After we hung up, after the laughing and the tears had stopped my mind went right back to over thinking... There's no way, None of these things seem to be adding up.... I feel like i really am just a stupid gullible girl who just can't let go of her first love. And eventually i will be just like my sister....I'll put up with his shit, i'll believe him blahblahblah and then i'll get hurt later on and it'll be even worse than if i were to leave now... i know saying all of this isn't helping at all.... all it's doing is putting out bad vibes to the universe.. I need to start looking at this in better ways.. I really do. I need to fix the way i look at myself and my life. But i also need to start changing the ways i look at him and my relationship because me always looking at it in a bad way is keeping us and me from ever being happy.... I can't take this stop and go happy un happy love hate Bullshit. It needs to end and it needs to end now. I just don't know how or what or 2ejfeklg3lekhflkweqjgfo3rhjlkgeqjrl;fweqlkjfl;rejlre;kjverlkhglkefl;kenhqslgkjwl;keqjFUCK.
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