It's been weeks now... Still nothing. No sign of hope left.

I've never been this far gone NEVER. And i honestly don't know what to do with myself or life anymore. I can't fake happiness, or smiles, or help people like i used to. Hell i can barely even keep a conversation going half the time. I've lost it, i've lost myself. I feel gone completely gone.  And the only way to find myself is through him. I need answers, to so many thoughts and questions that are left on loop running through my head. I need him. I need to know he's ok and to have hope that he'll come back and give me hope again. Or at least give me what i need to pack up and move on. Because that seems impossible. Everything and i do mean pretty much EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Sure he was never the best, he put me through hell and did some things and said some things no boyfriend should. Things worth leaving him for but i never could.  And never did. Even when i had that one last chance to leave him i couldn't do it. I don't know if he even cares about me anymore that's if ever even did. I can't help but wonder if he's thinking of me too? If he remembers my address or number or last name.... If he'll ever try to find me when he can. That's if he's even gone.... I bet they're right and he's probably sitting at home on his bed doing nothing. Not caring, not trying to even contact me. I wonder if he contacted the other chicks he "talked" to? or his friends? have any of them heard from him either? Or His parents? do they know.... how he is.. where he is... why just why wouldn't they fucking put me out of this misery and take the few minutes to fill me in? Jesus was i nothing to your family? did he really mean that little to you that you wouldn't even give me the good thing in his life information about what's going on? i'm completely in the dark and i hate the unkown more than anything.

 I keep having these dreams about him. Much like the ones i used to have that came true in the end. And there's so many variations of them i can't help but wonder which ones could be like the last. I just want to know damn it. I want to know that he was lying and cheating if he was. I want to know where he is and for how long if he's gone. But more than anything i want him to be home so i can hear from him again. Or even better SEE him again. not years or months from now BUT NOW. The time is now. And i need to know. I need to fucking know. My mom said she'd call because i definitely don't have the guts to do so. But i haven't wanted to ask again. Ok well i've wanted to but i haven't because i also don't have said guts to ask again. I also am putting it off because as badly and as much i want to know..... i'm scared of what they'll have to say. What if they tell her nothing? what if they lie too? There's just so much un known and i can't take it. I want my baby back. And if i can't have that i at least want the time of day to tell him the fuck off so i can do what it takes to let him go. We promised, but who's to say that wasn't all just A lie?