I want to fall asleep and wake up when things are better.
 Better yet, i want to fall asleep and never wake up. My life has become so fucking pathetic. I can't even get strangers who live far away to talk to me and be my friend. I don't even want a boyfriend right now i just want my misfits back. Or a new group of misfits one of which we can all go do things and then come home to a big cuddle movie session and a sleepless night full of giggles. Is all of this really too much to ask for? It seems like no matter how much i try to put myself out there and talk to people it just backfires. Or i get attached to people who could care less about me. I have a really good friend now. One that's always been there, one of which i adore for listening to me talk about the same things and puts up with my shit. But i kind of wish i could see her more. Or could get out of the damn house more. But that seems nearly impossible when i can't make myself drive. It's not that i don't want to it's that i'm scared to. And everytime i push myself to do it anyway i just get worse. The fear just gets worse.
 I've slept god knows how long today, And it's all i ever do anymore because my dreams are either amazing so i want more, Or non existent so i want more. I chase them I know i can't stay like this forever and it scares me. Because i've been here for so long. And i just keep falling. Puling myself out doesn't seem like an option anymore. And honestly i feel like there's no point in even trying. There is no way in hell my life is going to come out how i want it to. I'm not going to turn 18 and move in with prince charming and go on dates and hang out with friends and work and go to school and concerts and all these things aren't going to fucking happen.

 Why you may ask? Because my prince charming isn't charming or even a prince at all. He's a first love whom i can't shake, give up on, or get over. I still want so much with him. And i know it's possible if we try hard enough but is it even worth it? Why should i let myself pathetically get worse for 6-9 months until he comes back to save me? LIFE ISN'T LIKE THAT. he can't be my knight and save my ass from the tower. No i've got to swing out and jump down on my own. But what if he's not even at the bottom? What if it was all a trick and i wait and jump for nothing!? WHAT IF HE CAN'T CATCH ME!? and i just fall on my bottom and die? I've started normal journal-ling and i'm hoping it will help me figure out what i want and to get through this. I mean this blog does wonders but this book of things is far different from this. Sure this blog is totally all about the same things and or person ..... As is the book.  But the book will hopefully one day be seen by said person so that factor make it help? I guess kind of. And it's kind of sweet and romantic in a way if i do say so myself. I'm hoping i can get it to him even if i move on. or decide i'm better off without him.... he needs to read it anyway.

Just so i can know it was read. I always hopped he's see or find this blog someday. and see and read and know all the things i've always felt so hardly. But i feel like it would probably freak him out or push him away. Because it's kind of all over the place and possessive. And i wouldn't want him taking the bad things the wrong way. Or thinking i'm fucking crazy. Which he probably already thinks because it's true. I'm nuts. All my life is... is him. He's taken over my brain and my heart and i've become some crazy emotional robot. One of which he has the controller too.  I can't go a day or even a few hours without him crossing my mind. and it's gotten to the point where it's not cute or a good thing. It's a you're fucking stupid and insane you need to be put on drugs and locked up kind of thing. In my opinion anyway. But maybe i'm feeling this way because it's my first love? And i don't know how to think or feel. I've never been one for normality anyway soooooo.....
It would makes sense that i'd put up with so much for so long. It kills me to think i'll be without him. But it also kills me to think i'll be with him forever... with no changes at all but age looks and well some things.. But treatment and behavioral wise... What if he never changes? and what if i never become happy or alive or feel good about myself again?.... I can't see my world without him. Which i need to learn to do and fastly because he's about to be gone for months. And he say's he'll call but it's a long shot. I haven't seen him in two months.... add another 6 to that or 9 to that and well god i'll be dead by then. All of my energy and love comes from him and i just sqlkhfwqkelhfwkldhfkwlhwlqkhvlwdqhlkwqdh
 I need to at least see him and say goodbye before he leaves but that's not gonna happen. it's very very un likely. I doubt he'll even call again before he leaves. So i won't even get to hear or feel him again for god knows how long. And that scares me beyond belief. I'm so torn and confused and hurt. and it seems like that's all i ever am. It's all i've been for a long time. I'm always sitting here over thinking every little thing or memory or thing said.... and it kills what's left of the good in me. It's not him that sucks out the happy or the good... It's me... It's all me. What he gives or can give is never enough and i feel like even if i find someone else i'll be the same way if not worse. and i'll loose sight and control over myself.
As if i haven't already.
Good god cheyenne get a hold of yourself. If you sound crazy to yourself what the hell are other people going to think if they ever see this? Which i hope they don't honestly not this one. It's too much. If seen by the wrong person or people i'd loose even more control over my life than i already have. I'd probably been torn away from the only thing in life i know, and love. and i'd fersure be thrown back in school or a loony bin. Both places in which i probably belong. But god this is my life and i need to get ahold of it and myself once again. If only It were that easy. Much much easier said than done. When i can't do a damn thing without loosing focus. the only places i can zone into are tumblr and like dumb websites i don't need. they're useless but i guess if they help.... I'm just looking to be saved. But i don't want to be. Yeah cause that makes sense.