I'm getting so annoyed with myself. I don't like where i am, or the person i'm becoming and i don't know how to fix it. I'm too broken and i no longer feel or seem fixable. I'm in a dark place with no end in site. Not even an oncoming train about to crash into me. Nothing i see nothing but darkness, With sudden flashes every now and then. Filling the complete emptiness and darkness for only awhile. I'm running to guys to fix me, and i know damn well they won't / can't. But they help so much...? Even in friendship we're flirty and they give me hope.... Even if it's false hope or if they're leading me on... it helps to know in some way i'm wanted and can start anew on this journey alone. Being alone isn't so bad is it? But being an annoying attention whore won't get me where i want to be. Nor will the happiness i get from it last.I run out of things to say, and then get frustrated when they stop replying....
 Or they get busy and no longer have time for me. I rely on people far to much. I feed off of them and there energy and i just need it. I need someone. I want someone. Someone to be cliche and stupid with. Someone who makes the darkness and sadness go away... Someone i'll fall head over heels for  even though i doubt they'll do so in return. see that's my problem. i get attached, and swoon and eventually start to like the person, and or want to talk to them 24.7 and i can't be like that. I'm not ready for a relationship again hell i don't even think i can handle a flirtationship but fuck i want one. Just for the hell of it to make things better for awhile, but i know in the long run..... it'll just make me worse. And i honestly fear myself already, i don't even want to think about how i'd be if i got worse. I know reality doesn't work the way i want it too.... I miss being called baby. and having someone to wake up to, or having a reason to ever wake up again. I miss being held. and being told everything was going to be okay. even if it was all lies and wasn't to be okay.. it helped. For someone who hates not knowing, i was far happier and better off never seeing or hearing the truth. I miss it, and him so much but i know i know fuck how i know that i shouldn't. 

 But i'm not strong anymore, i've become a distressed damsel who actually needs someone to swoop in and save her. Maybe i just need more friends, or a friend. to rely on, and to help.... Or maybe i need more god, or a fucking therapist. But all i know is that i want someone to save me. Because at this point i don't see myself being saved. Ever.  Not on my own, i'm far to weak and in pieces. i can't pick up the pieces. for he stole them. and i can't get them back. i have to grow, and start a new. until i'm fixed. Nobody's going to be the one who saves me. But it's what i'd like. I just want attention, and love. And to be held forever. But life doesn't work like that. Luckily part of me know's life doesn't work like that. tis why i'm out of hope. and will probably be stuck here for a long while. I just want someone new, someone to give me reason. Someone to make me smile, and do their very best to keep me smiling. i just hate being alone, i got the taste of love and happiness and peaked into the future. and i need it back. Even with someone new or own my own even i need it all back. I miss who i was, and how i was before and i don't see it ever coming back.