I AM STARVING.

and i'm scourging around for any bits of food in the house that i can find that has any taste i can at least TRY to enjoy. I'm going mad.  It's bringing me back to diets and to starvation and to hating myself but more than hating myself hating my PARENTS. For making me diet in the first place. I'm tired of this feeling and i'm really pissy it's back. I LIKE FOOD. i enjoy food. FOOD MAKES ME HAPPY. and right now i'm fucking far from it. I'm in a crap place and excuse me for at least wanting to enjoy what food i force into my mouth. I still have days where i don't eat. or where i eat very little. BUT it's on MY terms. and it's because I WANT TO. not because "i'm forced too" And honestly lately i'm being forced to be hungry and being forced to starve.

If my dad took me to the store it'd be far worse. He'd purposely buy food i'd never eat and then yell at me for complaining  of hunger. I understand my mom isn't feeling well. BUT I STILL NEED TO FUCKING EAT. I'm tired of feeling like i'm eating scraps and dieting again. I wouldn't be awake right now if i could be sleeping i would. Not just to escape the hunger, but to escape my life. I hate it.

I hate everything lately. And it's mostly my fault. I'm here because of me. And only i can change it blah blah stay positive blahblah... Whatever. I'm over it. And i'm over everything. I'm done. I'm done being me. And i'm done being alive. Fuck it i'll starve. I'm already dead inside anyway so why not just sit here wishing i had a bigmac and fries to make me happy. Because let's face it that'd be amazing for about two seconds. Until the guilt for enjoying it and for eating it kicks in and i feel like throwing up. It'll last for days. I'll hate myself for eating that. but damn it's always worth it. I'm so used to hating myself. Hating myself for eating. Hating myself for not trying hard enough when i was dieting. Hating myself for falling in love. hating myself for believing. The list goes on and on and on. And it always will.

I just wanna pig out and then hate myself for it. Or not. Maybe this time i won't hate. But still FUCKING FEED ME DAMN IT. I'm done eating tasteless bullshit i find around the house. it's all old and gross and un enjoyable. If i'm gonna hate myself for eating. I might as well eat stuff that tastes amazing or at least good. This is annoying. I can't get out of this hell. Believe me i've tried. Things keep bringing me back down.