I really should stop running to everyone expecting people to give me answers. Or thinking talking about my situation will ever make it easier or help me to move on. It's honestly just holding me back, and pushing good people in my life away because it's all i can talk about. He's all i can talk about. But i can't help it. He's in my head and in my heart and i can't help but feel like i'm better off dead. after all it's how I've felt from the start. I was fine for awhile. But then suddenly all the feelings and false hope came crawling back into my brain. Causing me to loose what's left of my brain. Letting loose probably does nothing but make people think i'm insane. or obsessed. and it's true, i am. i can't get past this. I was trapped and stuck before and now i'm fucked. Only i can save myself. But i don't know how. He pieced me back together before i really ever fell apart and now i'm here. on my own, left alone to try and pick up the pieces. he smashed everything i had been working on and have done with my life over the past year. and i'm so full of fear. I dunno what to do. i can't keep living like this. but i don't want help. Help got me here in the first place. I just want support. And i know, i know i have it. but part of me just doesn't feel like it. because it's not his support. Why am i still so stuck on him? it's not like he ever really supported me in the first place. Guess in the end he got what he wanted and escaped this hellish place to win the race. And now he's gone, probably not forever. when he comes back he'll just shove it all in my face. Ruin everything again, and leave me alone once more, bruised and over sore. lost alone, and at war.