that awkward  moment when you realize the nightmares you months ago weren't just paranoia seeping into dreams.... It was your mind  and the universe trying to stop you from getting hurt... But now your in too deep and don't know what to say or what to even think anymore.

i should've listened to my brain instead, I Should've left when i had the chances.. I know sooner or later i'll move on, or that sooner or later it'll be worth holding onto but damn it's just getting so hard to do anything when he's not around. He gives me the energy and the strive to stay alive, to get out of bed to keep on living... what am i supposed to do when he can't be around to keep up the giving!?

Nothings set in stone yet, but i'm honestly sitting here Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst...

I won't mention what's going on exactly because well that would be a very very stupid irrational thing to do, even more so without fulling knowing what's gonna happen. But i'm scared, scared for him... and well scared for me... I don't know how i'm going to make it without him. I've become so codependent on him that i don't know how life will be without him. Or how i'll even try and move on from this because it's honestly a lose lose situation unless nothing happens and it was all just some big misunderstanding i guess is a way to put it without mentioning details but i just ldko;fjwslkfwre;oLSKHGWKljsglkarejgk;lsanblksdjgvkefbgkdjngl;aejrgo;lrasgkl;jwrl;kgj  I fear sleep now yet i'm so overly tired i can barely type this up. I can't help but think i'm going to have more dreams about this, more dreams about him... and not the good kind of dreams about him either.... I can't help but want to smack myself upside the head for never heading the warning signs or listening to what other people had to say because they're right he's just another Jit jason wanting to take control of my life And everthing about myself and call it "love" Sure my sisters history could be repeating itself in me... Or it could just be well me and my life and i know things all happen the way they do for a reason but damn i can't help but feel stupid for hanging  on so long and so much... Let Alone even think about the facts that i still can't let him go... I just can't regardless of what happens he needs me... And i can't leave him, not like this, not now... I've got to support him at his weakest and accept his past... all of which has been taunting me this whole damn time... Le sigh why is love and relations so hard!?  i can't put up with this much longer, i can't help but feel like i'm being selfish here but damn dude how could i not be in a situation like this!!!?... Ugh Why can't prince charming be real, why oh why can't some handsome guy just come sweep me off of me feet and carry me away to a castle out of this hell full of no worries and no problems ever again? a castle full of things to make my dreams come true the good dreams obviously... Not the bad ones... Gah i'm so confused and frustrated right now that maybe i really should just let myself sleep and hope to god i have texts waiting for me when i awake... And not the damn short stupid texts i want a cute long good morning beautiful i love you so much blah blah blah AFTER ALL THE SHIT i've been through tonight and lately i deserve that cute  text damnit. And maybe that just  means that i have to move on and find someone who's like that...  maybe the time has finally come to suck it up grow some tits and leave? I'll be okay on my own i just know it... Maybe it'll take awhile.. and maybe i'm ruining something that could've been forever but honestly if this is what our forever is like I don't want it to last... I'm sick of the nearly loosing each other, the fighting the bullshit the ex's and  the possible lies?  I CAN'T TAKE IT.... all i have left to say is that if things last and nothing happens.... things between us better get better because i'm tired of holding onto nothing.. But nothings all i've got... is it horrible that through all of this all i can think of is HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID YOU DUMBASS DID YOU EVEN STOP TO THINK OF ME? or think of us!? and what could happen if shit happened to go down because of this...?  Yeah you better get to hoping and praying you get off easy because i'm not waiting around for you... Nope. NOPE NOPE NOOOOOOOPPPEEEEE...... I'm being selfish But damn it somtimes you've got to be. I'm tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return. things were perfect for like what three days!!!?..... what the hell happened to that?