Allow me to explain that. It does one of two things, It either A gets you attached or B makes you more distant. In this case it happens to do both. I've already been attached really really attached. And I've been dying to hear you become and open book. But the things i'm being told are making me want to distance myself from the person i'm closest to. The whole time we're talking i'm thinking BULLSHIT, WTF, NO, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THESE THINGS, YOU DUMNASS, YOU DID WHAT!?, WITH WHO, WHHHHYYYYY!?..... Now yes i think these things but that doesn't mean i actually "Think them".... Not always anyway. I mean some things are far fetched but i believe every word anyway. Because A that's just who i am damnit. And B he's my love obviously i'm going to believe every word that comes out of his mouth. Even the your beautiful's I believe him when he say's it... i just don't/ can't see it for myself ya know!?....
I mean regardless i'm happy he's finally opening up to me but damn there's some things you just don't say to your girlfriend... I mean i'm all for listening, and i'm all for hearing about your past because i've been curious about it. But Gaaaaah some things i just can't handle right now.. Maybe later on but sure as hell not now.
There's only so much i can handle at once, and the things are piling up. One by one, By one, by one. And sooner or later i'm going break. I'm hoping that never happens but i've broken enough already... I'm hoping he'll realize i'm just as weak. Things are better though, so much better! I can't complain. He's been trying, he's been doing what he can, and i know it's all hard on him too. I realize now i was being extremely selfish by giving up completely those few times and calling it quits. Luckily he didn't let me leave.
Because let me tell ya that would've been one hell of a big mistake.
But what if it wouldn't have been....? Why am i even letting myself think like this douh. It's toxic and negative and thinking like that is what leads us into destruction. But when i'm being told all of these things i can't help but want to turn around and run. Run as fast as i can to stop myself from getting hurt any more. To save myself from becoming them. Wanting to run and hide from so many things and so many reasons. But i can't keep running and pushing. I just can't not forever and not now.
He's been good to and for me and i can't ruin or let that go.
He's making me want to get my shizz together and nobody has ever been that kind of person for me. Nobody's ever loved me like he does and i can't let that go, not just yet... Not without an actual good reason too.... All of this is just talk Who's to say that anything these bitches are saying are really true?.... I'm a girl, i know how we can be. But i'm still so scared that he's completely full of shit and that i should leave now before i let him walk all over me anymore or so much that i'm forced to leave in the future only to be hurt more than i would be if i left now... That and i need to think of him too... If i leave if i ever leave It needs to be now. Or for good reason. Which i don't have at the moment so why ruin the only good thing in my life with paranoia and fear.
Pretty sure I'm not supposed to be this scared so deep into or relationship but for fucks sake i can't help it.... I won't go letting my paranoia make me do stupid things though so i'll stick to what my heart wants..... At least for now<3 because Damn DAAAAAAAMN i love him... But at the same time i kinda wanna punch him in the face sometimes? ;D But i'm sure that's semi normal... and if it's not I've never been one for normal in the first place so fuck it! YOLO bitches. If i end up hurt, i end up hurt. If i end up with my happy fairytale ending? FUCK YEAH. if i end up with a big reality hit once we turn 18 but we stick it out like everything else so far and we stay happy!?.... THEN FUCK YEAH to that too.
No comments:
Post a Comment