i've been known to have different personalities and differentiated parts to me... parts that only certain parts of me ever get to see in full.
Everyone always sees the parts of me i want them to see. I wouldn't say i change "for them" or to "fit in" but i would say that there's parts of me that i know not everyone will agree with so i keep it to myself.
Well lately i've learned to just well be me. In full all of my problems all of my personalities all of myself in it's rawness. Because that's the way it should be. I should be able to show every side of me to everyone. Right!?
i don't need to hide myself, or well parts of myself. I can be the shy depressed anxiety filled kid who wears black one minute and then be the down to earth intuitive talkative crazy outgoing colorful Cheyenne as well. Sure these personalities contradict themselves, and who knows maybe i have a problem and are more nuts than i already think i am but fuck it... I am me.
I love wide ranges of things and i've always been like that, who's to say what's normal and what's not!?
SAY NO TO NORMAL. It's perfectly ok to love country and metal and everything in between it's also okay to hate these things that doesn't mean i have to stick to one little box of stereotypes.. I CAN BE WHOEVER THE HELL I WANT TO BE and that's what makes me ME.
I'm homeschooled And hardly leave my house, But that doesn't mean i'm stupid and anti social "all the time" anyway. Because i can be both sometimes that's fersure but hey who cares.
Lately i've been really into anime and video games which are things i've only merely dabbled in from time to time in my life. i've never been into these things like i am now. I'd just nod my head and agree to liking them to keep my friends and to keep conversation. But i've grown into liking new things again... I'm in a weird place and mind set right now one which i really need to get the fuck out of.... But i've grown comfortable with it Too comfortable... I need to change again, i need to fix this... I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.... and by that i mean i need to stop sitting here saying i'm going to and go out and actually do it... I need to go better myself i need to get my life back. I need to drive and i kind of need school yeah.... I don't want to be stuck here like this forever but i also don't want to change... not yet... i'm ready But i'm not? i'll never really be ready.... It's one of those things i won't be ready for until i just push myself to do it. But i'm not good with change and i'm not good with pushing myself to do things either.... GOOD GOD life can be so hard.... I'm not saying i want to die, because i don't i want the complete op actually i want to get out and start living again... really REALLY living again... like driving and going places and doing things... i'm tired so tired of the way my life is.... I'VE BEEN STUCK HERE FOR ALMOST A YEAR.... a fucking yeatr i've allowed myself to do nothing and as much as i hate change i know i need to change soon or i might just be stuck forever.... GAAAASAAHHHHHH my mind hates me right now. but Hey at least this posts isn't about my boyfriend ;) be happy about that. cause i know i am... it's good to have my mind off of him for awhile because everyones right i've been a little "obsessive" but that's how every girl gets sometimes... it's hard not to when someone becomes your world. so much so that you want to better yourself so that you can better him in return for an outcome of a good life together someday... which makes me even more confused because shit keeps happening that makes me think i'd be better off on my own without him but i i i can't i'm not strong enough to go back to that... i like having feelings again... and i like having someone to kind of rely on... and someone to say they love me and that they love everything i hate about myself... but what OH WHAT IF those are just words? words and pawns in a childish game i still think he might be playing...? Gah there's just so much more to add to all of this but it's long and confusing and horribly written so i'm just gonna stop tying now...
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