Guess it's time to take another approach with this. And by that i mean i need to start walking the road alone. The only road I've surely ever truly known. I need to become "myself" again and i can only achieve this on my own. Nobody can save me, Nobody can fix me. I need to be my own hero of this story. I need to let go, Let go of everything and probably everyone until i can get a hold on myself. Whoever the fuck this self may be.
honestly don't even know who I've become or who i am anymore. I have no backbone, I'm using the past and the people in my life as a crutch and it's keeping me stuck here in a place i don't want to be anymore. I'm done being there for people when i can't even be there for myself. I need to focus on my life and focus on well ME. I need to be selfish, and treat myself the way i deserve to be treated and then maybe then i can go back to having someone else be the one who treats me the way i deserve to be treated in this life. After all it's true what they say, nobody can truly love me until i can love myself.
I just wish it was easier to let go and say goodbye, I mean We've been through so much so damn much i can't help but think i need to wait it out and get through this as well but no. Just no. This is it. I'm tired of wasting my life away waiting for things that'll never happen. He's not going to turn 18 and magically become the guy i deserve and want.... It never works out that way does it? So why the hell am i waiting around for this so called "life" i'l have if i know it won't ever happen...? Or hell maybe i'm about to throw away the best damn thing that's ever come into my life... But when i look at it IT'S THE WORST TOO.... everyone's right I've become obsessive he's all i ever think about. And not even the good things about him and us. All i ever think about is how stupid i am for sticking around this long when it's obvious that he's probably just another asshole that's only going to hurt me... But that's just it THAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE\....... i can't get out of the mindset that he's too good for me when in reality I'M the one that's too damn good for him.
I put up with a lot of useless bullshit that i don't need to stand for, Anyone else would've left by now but not me... I can't i'm too busy holding on to the future that we'll never have. Seriously there problem here is two things really.... It's not all just me is it? No if he saw things in my eyes maybe he'd understand how much he puts me through without even caring to realize that i need help and love too. I NEED TO BE SELFISH I NEED ATTENTION AND LOTS OF IT OK? you're not the only one that needs help here buddy. And every time i reach out and show that things aren't right between us you pull the You need to calm down and relax everythings fine blah blah you're fine you're over reacting blah blah... MOTHAFUCKA i'm not over reacting about some bitch calling herself yours ok? Because i can't help but start to think i'm, not the only one in your life and i can't handle that. If i posted about bitches all the time on facebook he'd probably start to think the same things... >.< THIS IS A TWO WAY STREET.... i'm tired of being the only one fighting and i'm sick and fucking tired of things always getting turned around on me.... I don't deserve this shit. You wouldn't last a day in my head. You think you're suicidal now? HA ha fuckin ha. Try being in my head for a night/ morning and then we'll talk about wanting to die. My life is far from perfect. Don't judge the book by the cover, don't judge a person by the walls they put up... End of rant good day.
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