Listening to the songs we used to sing, Do you remember?

after all these months i'm still so scared to love you.. I'm still so scared that you're exactly what i fear.. Or that the past will come back to haunt me by repeating myself. I have to let all of this fear go.

I need to let myself be completely vulnerable again before i can let you back. Or so i thought.  you broke down my guards so damn fast i didn't even have time to think about what had accrued... I didn't have time to care about what had happened. All i could thing about but how much i loved you and how lucky i was to still call yourself "mine"... And god i hope you really are still mine. And just mine... 

even after i talked myself into saying goodbye, what was supposed to be the the the final goodbye. I knew i'd never be able to stop loving you.... I still wanted to sleep with your shirt. i still wanted your bracelets around my wrists.. i can't explain how going through all of this made me feel.  But i do know i can't stand to ever feel like that again. I can't keep leaving you. And i can't keep scaring you into becoming the guy i want you to be. That isn't fair not in the slightest. Although it works... It always works. 

however leaving you is never just a tactic to get you to straighten up and realize things need to change... I always ALWAYS swear to myself that i'll let you go. And yet you always seem to find your way right back into my heart. Not that you ever left. Or will ever leave for that matter. I may have a hard time living with you sometimes. But i honestly can't see my life without you. You've become my wonderwall you're what's going to help me get out of this mess i call my life. And out of this dark abyss that i just can't seem to escape. But you've got your own demons to fight off, You're own battles to fight. We're all just looking for someone who's demons play well with our own right. Well looks to be as if you're that person. Now we just need to get over our battles and stick together through all of the bullshit. We'll be happy. Oh soon we shall be happy.

And if we're not i'll have to do what's best for the both of us and just let go..... But i don't know if i can... In fact i'm pretty sure i can't... And that's part of what's wrong here... I need to learn to be on my own again... This is something i have to do on my own, and in my own time... I need to figure out what's best for me. And what i want. Because i can't take being stuck here... I can't take the paranoia that literally never goes away. I can't take loving you one second to feeling lonely and used the next.  I can't trust you anymore. I can't trust anyone anymore... Not that's here with me anyway. I almost lost my best friend because of you. SHE SEE'S WHAT YOU;'RE DOING TO ME..... she tried to help... but i couldn't take her advice i wasn't ready too.. But i'm starting to think i'm gonna have to do it. I'm gonna have to do what's best for the both of us and let go. Our relationship is toxic. Toxic for me anyway. I'm sick of you're mind games. and i'm sick of never feeling like i'm yours and only yours.... it's not fair to me to always be feeling like this. and i honestly don't see it ever changing... I think i need to face this. It's time to finally face this,.